Joy in the Terrible Twos

After an exhausting, but joyful week in St. Louis playing with 7 cousins, lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and a fun-loving golden retriever, we were pooped. Not to mention, Marshall, our fiesty almost two year old, is going through a serious testing phase. Hitting kids, throwing things, destroying anything he can get his hands on. We're trying to stay on top of discipline, but it's hard, especially when you're away from home and it's not always easy or convenient to follow through. So after a week of tantrums, kicking, hitting, screaming, whining, climbing out of the pack n play, coming down the stairs by himself, not sleeping or napping well, we were about to tear our hair out. It was a not a fun place to be as a stay at home mom, when I knew what I had to look forward to - a full week with him at home with no Mother's Day Out or planned activities because it was still the holiday season. Ugh. We had a playdate today with a dear friend who is a little bit ahead of me in the parenting stage. She has 5 kids (wow!) ranging around 9, 7, 5, 3, and a newborn. I wasn't sure what I expected when I walked into her home, but I sure didn't expect a joyful, calm atmosphere. But it WAS! She served me coffee, we had a good chat (until my 2 year old started demanding my attention) and she just oozed joy, peace, and contentment in her role as a mom. I was in awe as I looked around her house and saw how orderly everything was. There were 2 bedrooms with 2 kids each, then one for the nursery. All were cutely decorated, but amazingly clean and organized. There was a play area that was filled with fun toys but also orderly. I was in awe. After a good chat on the couch, we went downstairs to the breakfast room and fed all the kids lunch. The girls stopped playing their wedding songs and marrying off their dolls (hilarious!) to join us. They got out a card game that asked good conversation questions like "What qualities do you relate to in your mom and your dad?" I was amazed at how articulate the girls could be. I was amazed that everyone sat there and ate their lunch so calmly. I was amazed at how clean and orderly and efficient her household was. I was amazed at her for having 5 children and being joyful about it. Maybe it's because her girls are the oldest (the two boys are the youngest). But I doubt that's it. Like everyone says, this is a phase. Right now, I'm in a really difficult one with Marshall. I'm exhausted from time outs. I'm exhausted from giving him the talk about consequences, why he's being disciplined and praying for forgiveness with him afterwards. I'm irritated when he keeps testing again and again even after being disciplined. I'm irritated when he kicks me, throws his food on the floor, or hits his sister (which all 3 happen quite often, even with discipline!). I'm flat out irritated and annoyed at him for much of the day. But there are also still sweet times, when I love being with him and love being his mommy. Visiting my friend reminded me that everything is a phase with parenting. Some day, hopefully, I will be sitting down at the breakfast table, enjoying conversation with my children without having to worry about whether they hit each other or throw their food on the floor. Instead, we will probably be dealing with bickering, complaining or arguing. But man, that sure sounds better to me at this point. ha! Lord Jesus, thank you for this Christmas season. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for our sins. During these tough parenting days, I see how irritable I am, how short-tempered I can be, how impatient and frustrated and angry I can get, and I realize that You love us as a parent, but without ever losing your temper. You are patient with us, even when we don't deserve it. You discipline us in love, without getting angry. Thank you for the blessing of children and as challenging and as exhausting it can be, there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing. Next time Marshall kicks me, I'll have to remind myself of that one...then take him into his room for a little chat. :)

Forgetting the CHRIST in CHRISTmas

Why is it in this season of CHRISTmas that I am the LEAST joyful and the LEAST CHRISTlike??? I relate to Martha, as opposed to Mary, in the story from the gospels, in her rushing about, getting last minute Christmas errands done. That in itself, is not necessarily a bad thing, but my heart attitude is IRRITABLE, ANNOYED and ANGRY. I HATE Christmas shopping. Hello Grinch, I know. I am just not a gifts person to begin with, but I really don't mind buying for birthdays because it is ONE person you can focus on and really think through something they like. But Christmas shopping means buying for TONS of adults and all different aged kids (14, to be exact!)...and honestly, I just don't ever know what to get. So I end up putting it all off until the last minute, then frantically buying some junk that I spend way too much on and don't know if they will even like it or use it. So in the end, I am just frustrated and annoyed. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! It is also always around this time that I stroll past the Salvation Army guy ringing the bell, waiting for a small donation and my two children are melting down, I am TICKED off, and I have to give that guy a big smile and wave, as if to say, "maybe next time I'll throw some money in your bucket!" So after one of those frantic shopping days today (I felt that I needed to buy just one more item for my sisters-in-law because my other present for them wasn't quite good enough), here I was, standing in the check-out line of Macy's, as my 2 year old begins grabbing everything off the rack and my 6 month old starts to scream because it was time to eat. By the time I got home, not only did my kids need time-outs, but so did mommy! I knew that was a sign I needed to spend some serious time in God's word. I came to these verses in 2 Timothy: So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ. Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing. Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness-faith, love, peace-joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. (2 Timothy 2:1, 15, 21, 22, 24-26 MSG) Oh Lord, help me, even in this busy Christmas season, to throw myself into this work for Christ (not for myself!). Help me to concentrate on doing my BEST for You, work you won't be ashamed of. Help me to be a BLESSING to my family as we spend time over the holidays. Rather than thinking about myself and worrying about whether my gifts are "good enough", help me to be prayerfully thinking about them and asking them questions, loving them well, listening and encouraging them through my words and actions, mostly, seeking to bring You glory through my interactions and conversations. Help me, especially, with my own children, not to argue with them (have you ever tried to reason with a screaming 2 year old???), but be a gentle listener (empathetic, even when I am disciplining them) and be a mother who KEEPS COOL, working firmly but PATIENTLY with those who refuse to obey (my own children!). Oh Lord Jesus, thank you for the truth of Your word in the midst of a chaotic season and the deep reminder how much we need Jesus!

Loving My Husband Well

I've been challenged lately to think first of my role as wife before mother. For some reason, it comes more natural for me to think of my children before myself. When they're sick, I get up in the middle of the night and tend to their needs, often without much grumbling and complaining. But when my hubby is sick, do I tend to his needs without grumbling or complaining, or do I think to myself "suck it up" and "I'm tired, too, so too bad." I admit, it just doesn't come as naturally to put his needs before my own. But lately, that's exactly what I am learning to do through studying God's word. I believe God calls us as married women and mothers to be WIVES first and mothers second. We are "one flesh" with our husbands and called to love, serve, submit to and respect them. It's easy to love my children, even on a day when I'm tired and irritable. It's not as easy to love my husband well on those days. I've been challenged by the well-known 1 Corinthians 13 text on love in this way: Love is patient. Am I patient when my hubby is driving and allow him to go the way he wants to (even if it might be longer) or do I jump to criticize and direct him? Love is kind. Am I kind to my husband, even when I am tired, irritable, sick, or just having a bad day? Love does not envy. Do I envy his opportunity to go to work all day (even though I know his job is not easy by any means) or am I thankful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and be the primary influence on my kids, with the hopes that they will know Jesus and share his love with others. Love does not boast. Do I boast in my own works when he gets home by telling him what errands I ran for him that day, what chores I did around the house, how hard the meal was that I prepared for him, or do I keep quiet and allow the acts themselves to bless him? Love is not proud. Am I willing to apologize first, even when I feel wronged? Love does not dishonor others. Do I lift up my husband in the eyes of my family, my friends and acquaintances, or do I belittle him with my words? Love is not self-seeking. Do I think of my own needs first and expect him to help with the kids as soon as he gets home from work or do I think of his needs, ask about his day, and seek ways to serve him? Love is not easily angered. Do I jump to anger and defensiveness when my husband offers a suggestion, especially in regards to the kids, or do I respect his opinion and listen without feeling judged? Love keeps no record of wrongs. Do I mentally keep score in my head of all the ways my husband isn't helping out around the house or do I focus on ways to serve him in areas he might not expect and surprise him with random acts of service? Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I deliberately or passively encourage my husband to sin in any area of his life, or do I pray for him, speak scripture to him, and edify him with my words and actions? Love always protects. Do I seek to protect him in the eyes of my family, friends, and even our children, or do I tear him down with my words or actions? Love always trusts. Do I trust him, even when my heart is questionning whether he is doing the right thing, or do I give it to the Lord in prayer and humbly submit as a loving wife and follow his lead? Love always hopes. Am I hopeful in who he is becoming, as a man of God, or do I focus on the sinful aspects and forget that God is doing a good work in him and will perfect it until completion? Love always perserveres. Do I perservere in prayer for him, faithfulness to him, service to him, encouragement to him, and love for him, or am I quick to throw in the towel and not believe that God is doing a great and mighty work in my husband? As I said...1 Corinthians 13 has shed new light on what it means to love my husband well. Thank you, Lord, that your Word is living and active and constantly brings new and wonderful insights to every area of my life!

Extra Grace Required Week

I should've known as soon as I opened my mouth to a good friend and said, "You know, I think my son (who's almost 2) might actually be over the hump of defiance." It was a good week. He'd been super obedient. No fights over toys with his buddies. No tantrums when it was time to come inside. No hitting or tugging on his little sister. A SUPER week! But I'm learning that doesn't mean much in toddler time. Because this week...he has been an all out terror. Grabbing breakable things off the counter, pulling everything out of the pantry, pushing and hitting other kids, and today's latest...as I was frantically trying to get out the door to make it to my Wednesday morning Bible study (how ironic)...he proceeded to dump my freshly made hot cup of coffee onto the living room rug. I just about unleashed on him...then went off to study the Bible with a bunch of godly women. Ha! I'm taken aback by how different this week is from last week. Perhaps he's tired? Not feeling well? Not getting enough attention from me? Who knows. All I know is, this is an extra grace required week. It's hard for me not to get angry at him when he acts like this. It's hard to not take it out on him, either outwardly, by snapping at him, or passive aggressively, by giving him the silent treatment. This comes at an interesting time, when I've been reading through the Sermon on the Mount and see how Jesus challenges the crowd by saying, "You know that the Law says 'Do not murder', but I say, 'If anyone is angry towards his brother, he is committing murder in his heart.'" Do you hear how high of a standard that is? Jesus is saying that not only should we not murder, but that we should not be angry at anyone. And when we are angry towards someone, we are committing murder in our heart against them. Ouch. So basically, I am guilty of committing murder in my heart towards my own son. Yikes. But what a crazy, impossible standard! Who could live up to that? Who doesn't get angry? Even someone like Mother Teresa, as amazing as she was, was surely angry at "her brother" at some point in her life. So even she is guilty of committing murder in her heart? YES! So how can we ever live up to this standard? We CAN'T! And that's exactly the point. It's impossible. That's what Jesus was telling people, especially the Pharisees, the extremely religious ones, who thought they were "good enough" to get to God. He's challenging them to realize that even their best intentions are laced with evil motives. Even when we don't say what we're thinking, we feel things that are not pleasing to God, that are in direct opposition to God. Jesus was showing them (and us!) that it is flat out IMPOSSIBLE to be good enough to earn out way to God. Our hearts are full of malice and evil. Without Jesus, we are not God-honoring. We cannot please God. Only through the blood of Christ, only by His redeeming work on the cross, can we be made righteous and be acceptable to God. Jesus makes us acceptable. Jesus makes us clean. Jesus makes us righteous. So I am reminded this week...as my toddler tests me over and over again and my natural tendency is to react in anger...I will try to remember what Jesus did for me. I will try to remember that He bled and died on the cross, taking my place, being a perfect man and a perfect God, living a perfect life - something that I could never do - to provide a way for me to be in relationship with God, since I could never do it on my own. It is an opportunity to worship, to thank Jesus for saving me from my sin, to thank God for loving me despite of myself, to thank Him for being my Savior and remembering that I am nothing without Him!

The Offense of the Gospel

Still reading Tim Keller's book, "King's Cross" and still can't say it better than him... "The gospel of Jesus Christ is an offense to both religion and irreligion. The moralist says 'the good people are in and the bad people are out - and of course, we're the good ones.' The self-discovery person says, 'oh no, the progressive, open-minded people are in and the judgmental bigots are out - and of course, we're the open-minded ones.' We disdain those religious, moralistic types who look down on others. Do you see the irony, how the way of self-discovery leads to as much superiority and self-righteousness as religion does? The gospel does not say 'the good are in and the bad are out' nor 'the open-minded are in and the judgmental are out.' The gospel says the humble are in and the proud are out. The gospel says the people who know they're NOT better, NOT more open-minded, NOT more moral than anyone else, are in, and the people who think they're on the right side of the divide are in danger. Jesus himself said this to the Pharisees earlier when he told them, 'It is not the healthy who ned a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.' (Mark 2:15-17). Jesus is teaching that he has come to call sinners: those who know they are morally and spiritually unable to save themselves." What good news the gospel is! It's not religion at all (because isn't religion just advice?), but it is truly NEWS, good news, that Jesus died for us to do the work we could never do, live a life we could never live, and die a death we could never die. Hallelujah!

Resting in the Gospel

I can't say it better than Tim Keller, so I will just quote directly from his book, "King's Cross": "Most of us work and work trying to prove ourselves, to convince God, others and ourselves that we're good people. That work is never over unless we rest in the gospel...on the cross Jesus was saying of the work underneath your work - the thing that makes you truly weary, this need to prove yourself because who you are and what you do are never good enough - that it is finished. He has lived the life you should have lived, he has died the death you should have died. If you rely on Jesus's finished work, you know that God is satisfied with you. You can be satisfied with life. Physicians will tell you that it is not merely fitful naps that you need, but deep sleep. You can take all the vacations in the world, but if you don't have the deep rest of the soul, resting in what Jesus did on the cross, you will not truly rest. On the cross Jesus experienced the restlessness of separation from God so that we can have the deep rest of knowing that he loves us and our sins have been forgiven." Lord, help me not to seek the temporary, unfulfilling rest of the world and all that it offers and entices, but may I seek the deeply soul-satisfying rest that Jesus offers, the good news of the gospel, the fact that we could never be good enough, so Jesus took care of it for us on the cross. Let me live in this beautiful truth daily!

Love and Logic

So I'm doing a parenting seminar based on the book "Love and Logic" and really enjoying it. I don't necessarily agree with all of their methodology, but one teaching tool I really like is the idea of using empathy when disciplining children. Instead of reacting in anger or jumping straight to a consequence, try to emphathize with the child by saying something like, "Oh, that's too bad..." or "What a bummer!" or "That's so sad..." when then disobey, then follow up with a consequence. That way, you are showing the child you feel for them and are truly sad that they disobeyed and you have to follow through with a consequence. It takes the pressure off of you being the bad guy and puts the responsibility on them - you are sad that they made that choice and you can feel that sadness with them. I love this idea! A helpful tip for whining or arguing: Love and Logic says to "go brain dead" - don't get mad or frustrated - and make sure that you are not physically displaying this to your child (no furrowing brow, no gritting teeth, no vein popping out in the forehead), but instead, go brain dead by remaining calm, collected and quiet, then respond with one simple phrase like "I love you too much to argue" or "I know" or "Hmmmm...." and continue repeating it when they whine or argue. Don't try to argue back or rationalize with them because usually, they will find a way to push our buttons and win the argument. Just keep repeating the same phrase over and over and make sure you remain calm. Eventually, they will get that you're not going to budge and give in to their whining or arguing. Love having this tool in my toolbox!!! One of my favorite phrases from the seminar was the following: "When we do the right thing with challenging kids, it will almost always look and feel like the wrong thing in the short term." I had no idea how often my child would test my limits and throw tantrums to try to get his way. When he does that, I immediately question myself and ask "Am I doing something wrong?" But I am realizing that when he reacts that way, he is reacting to the limits set and over time....he WILL accept them! One image they gave that stuck in my mind...do you want to be the type of parent who is depositing money in the bank early on, consistently, even when it's painful and inconvenient (discipling and following through consistently) so that you can reap rewards in the future...or do you want to be the type of parent who is swiping the credit card left and right because it feels good (doing whatever makes the child happy and giving in because it's too hard) yet in the end, you will be paying HIGH INTEREST (destructive and disrespectful teenagers). I don't know about you, but I sure want to start sacking away the painful deposits now and disciplining even when it's hard, uncomfortable, and inconvenient so that I can enjoy the rewards of raising a child who is a respectful, obedient person. Go Love and Logic!

A Praying Life

So I'm reading through "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller for the second time and LOVING it. This is a book that makes you want to PRAY. I'll read through one chapter and want to stop and PRAY. How great is that? So pick it up if you want to improve your prayer life (and feel like you're actually doing something, even though God's doing the work!). What I'm loving most is the section on prayer cards. As leery as I am about making a mechanical system of prayer, I realize I NEED a system or I won't pray. It just won't happen. Through his encouragement of prayer cards, a system is created that makes praying easy and achievable. I write a person's name on the card, include a verse of Scripture that I feel like applies to that person's needs, add a few key words to help remind me what to pray, and voila, I have a prayer card for that person that I can stick in my car and pray through when I'm sitting at a stoplight or in traffic. More than anything...this book reminds me of the power of prayer and the utter dependence we must have on God throughout our life. It reminds me that I have to release control to the Lord and seek Him for answers, whether they be positive or negative responses to my prayers. It reminds me that He is in control, I am not, and He knows best. It reminds me that He cares about the details of my life and wants me to present "everything in prayer and petition" and "never cease praying." Pick up "A Praying Life" if you haven't and start creating those prayer cards...there is such power in prayer! And it SO good for my soul to not have to try to carry the burden myself, but present it to the Lord and know that He hears me. Now get to praying! :)

An Unexpected Season of Joy

So it's been MONTHS since I've blogged. I'd like to play the "I had a baby card" and blame the hectic life of 2 little ones for my lack of writing. But really...it hasn't been as hectic as I expected. Honestly, I am flat out LOVING being a mom of 2. Call me crazy...but I think one was harder than two!

Don't get me wrong. There are new kinds of "hard" with 2 little ones. Even as I try to write this blog post, Baby Ellie is asleep on my lap, I'm reaching over her to type on my lap top, and every once in awhile, I have to pop the pacy back in her mouth so that she doesn't wake up. Before, I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to type a blog post with Marshall asleep on my lap...that would've been too stressful, with me worrying that he'd wake up and feeling too distracted to write. So perhaps you can say...one child introduced chaos and now I've just adjusted to this lifestyle?

Or perhaps...from a spiritual perspective, God has been breaking me down, slowly and graciously helping me let go of my demands for MY time, MY sleep, MY schedule, exactly how I want it. Sleep is all relative now. I used to think that if I didn't get 8 hours, I'd need a nap later that day. Now I'm excited if I get 5 straight hours of sleep without waking up to feed a baby.

As for time, I used to get frustrated by interruptions to whatever I was doing, whether it was email, exercise, or work. Now, I'm happy to get 15 straight minutes alone...which is what I'm going on now as I work on this blog post. My goal is to get this done in one sitting!

But more than anything, I feel that the Lord has shown me the truth of His Word, which reminds us that "children are a gift from the Lord." They are a JOY to watch. I love seeing their personalities emerge. I love being given the task of teaching them (although I feel like God is teaching me even more through them everyday!). I love spending time with them, playing with them, holding them, reading books to them, laughing with them, and yes, even disciplining them, as difficult as it is, I am reminded that this is SO how God sees us. We are His children. He delights in us. He loves us. He laughs with us. He is there for us during the hard times and fun times. He disciplines us, not because He is mean, but because He loves us.

I am so, so, so thankful for the precious phase of life. I've never felt more fulfillment than I do right now, being a stay at home mom. I NEVER thought I would say that! I have sought fulfillment in so many other things...I truly feel like being a mom is the most rewarding job I've ever had! I know I won't feel like this every day, but for now, I just want to praise God for this season of joy. Children are truly a gift from the Lord!

My Grace is Sufficient

I'm not really sure why I haven't posted in several weeks. At first it was because I was avoiding God and the hard lessons He was teaching me through the Lenten season. But it ended up being a sweet time of learning to be okay with my weakness and allowing Him to receive the glory. 2 Corinthians 12:5 really spoke to my heart during that time: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I am learning to be thankful for my weaknesses. Thankful that I don't have it all together. Thankful for the days when I am tired, stressed and dealing with a cranky toddler. Why? Because those are the times when I truly have to depend on God to get me through the day. Those are the days when I can't muster up the strength to do it on my own. And when I surrender and truly ask for His help, that's when He steps in.

But I am learning I must choose to run to Him, not other things or people, in order to tap into that divine power. It may mean praying a quick prayer, like "Abba, Father! Help me!" Or quoting a verse of Scripture, like that 2 Corinthians verse. Or just physically going on my knees and asking Him to step in, confessing that I can't do it on my own.

I think the main reason I haven't been blogging is because I am in MAJOR nesting mode right now. Baby 2 will be here in less than 2 months! I am thrilled to meet her and get to know her little personality and what she will look like, but I'm also nervous as heck. I will be sad to no longer be able to use nap times to get housework done and have a quiet time with God. I am worried about the days when both little ones will be cranky and I will be sleep deprived. Can I really do this, Lord?

But that's when He reminds me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

He is my Rock. He is my Stronghold. In Him do I trust. I am embracing my weakness, so that He can be made strong.

Tough Lenten Lessons

A few of you have been asking me, "why haven't you posted lately?" And honestly, I haven't been sure how to answer. I know I've been avoiding something. Avoiding myself. Avoiding God. Avoiding the pain and emotions that have been welling up within me these days. And blogging, well, that's where I go when I want to share what God is teaching me. Since it hasn't been fun stuff lately, I've even wanted to avoid blogging!

But this morning, something broke and I finally had a good chat with the Lord. I'll try to articulate some of what I've been learning.

First, I must explain that our church is participating in a 35 day fast during this season of Lent to focus on the Holiness of God. Since I am 6 months pregnant, I decided not to do a food fast, but gave up something else I love: TV. During those precious naptime hours when I am tempted to watch a girly show or HGTV for that 1 hour window of afternoon time, instead, I have been trying to spend that time with the Lord, in prayer, Scripture, or a Christian book.

The first couple of weeks were great! I was on a spiritual high and having some rich prayer and reading times. But then, the loneliness, boredom and quietness set in. I got tired of picking up my Bible. I got tired of praying. I was ready to numb my mind and emotions and just veg out on the couch for an hour. It became uncomfortable.

I've been missing TV like crazy because I realize that it's my way of escape, a way to temporarily check out from this world. And now, I'm just faced with my sin in the quiet. So instead of continually running to God, I've found ways to replace my TV addiction with something else that will help me "check out."

A juicy issue of People magazine. A fun iPad app. Mommy blog surfing. All of these things I've turned to in hopes of numbing myself. When softly, gently, I hear God calling. Waiting. Standing at the door, knocking.

Only this morning, I finally turned to Him and apologized. I realized I had missed Him. I missed running to my One True Source of Strength. None of those other things help me deal with the painful emotions that well up inside me. None of them make me feel any better afterwards. But He is my source of strength and joy. In His Word, my soul is delighted.

The fast isn't over and I'm sure I will mess up and turn to other "idols" to comfort me. But He has gently reminded me that there is no one, nothing, that satisfies like He does.

From Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul.

Spring Break is no longer a Break!

For the past 5 years, I've been able to enjoy the rest that comes with a week of Spring Break. Because I've either been teaching, in school or in ministry, my calendar has always included a Spring Break. But suddenly, now that I'm a stay at home mom, I am facing a different kind of Spring Break and I'll admit...I don't really like it!

First, the regular activities I look forward to during the week are all cancelled. This includes Mother's Day Out (oh, how I love those few precious hours to run errands by myself!) and women's Bible study. But I even prepared in advance. I thought, I'll just plan some fun outings on the days that I normally have scheduled activities. Problem: every other mom is doing the same thing! The parks, shopping malls, libraries and zoos are PACKED with families and their kids. It was utter chaos everywhere I went. And I was constantly worried that Marshall was going to get clobbered by the bigger kids. Not fun.

Let's just say that by the end of the week, I was fried. I was craving alone time, time away from my precious toddler, to just be quiet and do something fun for myself. My sweet hubby encouraged me to go to a coffee shop or get a massage or just go shopping. But by the time we'd put Marshall to bed in the evenings, I was ready to hit the hay myself.

I ended this week feeling tired, stressed and resentful for having had little alone time. And in those moments, my sin becomes so much more evident. It was yucky. I was a brat. I said some things I wished I hadn't. I reacted in ways I wished I hadn't. What I realized, more than ever, during this Lenten season...is how much I need Jesus, how much I need the gospel, how much I need the good news of the cross. That because of my sin and my yuck, Jesus paid the price. I realize how far short I fall from the mark of perfection that God requires of us in order to be in His holy and awesome presence. Yet because of Jesus, because of His death on our behalf, we have been made righteous. We have been cleansed. We have been forgiven. We have been redeemed. What gloriously good news! We don't have to wallow in our sin and our shame. Must we repent of our sin? Of course! But once we have, we can know that we are restored to our loving Savior.

As I start a new week, still a little raggard and weary from the last one, I want to cling to the cross and REJOICE in what Jesus has done for me.

The Same God Yesterday, Today and Forever

I just wanted to share a quick word of encouragement for today.

So often when I start to pray, I have a long list of things that seem too big for God, too unlikely to answer, too unattainable.

But this morning, as I felt that overwhelming sense of doubt, the Lord brought Hebrews 13:8 to mind: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."

Then I remembered who I am praying to. I am praying to the same God who shut the mouths of lions when Daniel was thrown into their den. I am praying to the same God who walked across water. I am praying to the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead. I am praying to the same God who Himself, rose from the grave. I am praying to the same God before whom we will all one day bow before in utter worship and awe as the angelic beings around Him sing, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty. You are worthy to receive glory, honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”

This is the God I worship. This is the God I pray to. And when my little prayers seem impossible for God, I cling to this truth.

Lord Jesus, thank You that You are the same yesterday, today and forever. So often I forget to remember who You really are. Help me cling to Your Word, which reminds me of Your power, Your sovereignty, Your justice and Your mercy. Thank you that I can fully trust You, knowing You are ultimately in control of all things and that You are good.

Trusting in God's Sovereignty

This weekend I had what I would call a mild anxiety attack. It was over nothing major. But there were several difficult conversations that I needed to have, but really didn't want to. I was in an awkward place, feeling called to speak the truth in love, but knowing it could be received poorly. Ugh. I hate conflict. I hate tension. But God keeps sending it my way.

At the time of my "panic attack" if that's even what it was (who knows, maybe it was just pregnancy hormones!), despite the fact that I was in my green and white polka dotted pajamas and it was almost midnight, I decided go for a walk. I'm sure that was quite a sight, being 5 months pregnant. My poor neighbors!

As I stormed around the block, I vented to God, angrily pouring out my stress and frustration. Why are you letting these things happen, God? Why do I have to deal with all of this right now? I feel overwhelemed! I can't handle all of this!

After a few minutes of venting this way and a few more loops around the block, I heard Him whisper ever so quietly to my heart: "YOU aren't supposed to handle this. I am." Then the well-known Proverb came to mind: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I stopped. I knew what was wrong. I was leaning on my own understanding and not acknowleding Him. I wasn't trusting Him at all.

As often as we say "I just need to trust God more"...do we really understand how to do it? Do we recognize why we aren't? If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we are really saying that WE know better. WE are really in control. WE are going to handle this issue and take it upon ourselves to fix. WE don't believe God can do it. WE don't believe God is sovereign or good or has a plan for our lives.

And do we really call our anxiety, stress and frustration what it is: SIN.

I don't say that to make us beat ourselves up. But we've got to repent and turn from wrong behavior before we can keep going forward. Ultimately, it's PRIDE. We believe we know best, not God.

So what I realized that night was, instead of holding onto this anxiety and pressure and worry of the outcome, I needed to repent of my pride in trying to control the outcome, then lay it down at the foot of the cross. He knew my fears and concerns. I had already told him all of the details. He knew my heart. Now it was up to me. Was I going to hold on to it, cling to it, and keep trying to control it? Or would I give it to Him?

Everyday we make a choice. When we start to feel that worry, anger, frustration or stress welling up in us, we make a choice. Will we hold on to it? Or will we talk to God about it, then lay it down and fully trust Him with the outcome?

As hard as it is to lay it down...Jesus promises that when we come to Him, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I'm far from getting there completely, but that night, I believe God showed me how to recognize this pattern in my life and deal with it when it comes up again. I want to call sin what it is, give it to God and move on.

Bragging on God instead of Self

This is blog post #2 for this week. That's a bit more frequent for me, but hey, when God speaks to my heart, I can't help but share what I'm learning. So here goes.

I was in a bit of a fussy mood after my women's Bible study this morning and I couldn't figure out why. It was a great lesson (we're studying the book of Daniel and learning wonderful truths about God's sovereignty!) and there was nothing about the morning that should have frustrated me. But I gradually was able to pinpoint the issue. I realized that I have this weird need during our small group time to try and impress the other ladies with my thoughts. I want them to think I'm wise, I'm spiritual, I know a lot about God's Word, etc., etc., etc. And that day, everything I said just flopped. I stumbled over my words, nothing came out right, and all I got was a bunch of blank stares. Basically, I didn't look as good as I wanted to in front of them.

That example is silly, I know. But it's just one of the many ways I try to impress others...and it's pervasive in my life. If I'm really honest with myself, I will call it what it is: PRIDE. It's a need to boast in self, to put my glory above others, even above God.

In the mommy world, the need to impress comes out in subtle ways. We may drop little comments about what our children are doing developmentally, spiritually, mentally, and socially in order to compare with other moms and kids so we can feel good about ourselves. Or maybe we go to the other extreme, playing down how much effort was put into hosting a baby shower, how little time we put into decorating our home, how much money we didn't spend on a cute new outfit. While not always the case, often times, beneath those comments, there is a deep need to impress, to look good in front of others.

So my question for today is....what if, instead of boasting in ourselves, we started boasting in God? What would that really look like?

Instead of talking about how precious our children are, let's talk about how AWESOME and CREATIVE is our God, who knit these little ones together in our wombs and who is growing them into the men and women He has designed for them to be? Instead of commiserating about the challenges of being a mom, let's talk about what God is teaching us through these tough times. Instead of pointing out a pretty sunset, why not praise God for being such a magnificent artist! Instead of complimenting someone for being a talented _____ (writer, mother, cook, you fill in the blank), why not give God the glory by saying something like: It is so fun to see how God has uniquely gifted you with X gift and used it to minister to others for His glory. Instead of complaining, gossipping, or making insignificant small talk, why not brag about one of God's many attritubutes that you especially appreciate today, like His goodness, His faithfulness, His love, His mercy?

What a neat world that would be! So my challenge to myself and each of you today is to no longer boast in ourselves, claiming our own glory, but to start boasting in God, whose magnificent characteristics are endless and who one day, we will have the privilege of kneeling before in utter worship, giving Him every single bit of glory, honor and praise!!

Meeting God in the Uncomfortable Silence

As a stay at home mom, I've had to adjust to a new pace of life. It isn't like that of a working woman, living in a constant flurry of mental activity. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty to do. Laundry, picking up toys, feeding, changing, disciplining, and interacting with little ones. But it is a different pace. There is a slowness to it, even a monotony that can easily bring frustration, boredom and loneliness.

But I am learning that God has something in this new pace of life for me. Instead of running from the uncomfortable silence that haunts me when naptimes come, I feel Him calling me to meet Him. I feel Him quietly asking me to stop running to the TV, to music, to a good book or housework during those times of stillness. Instead, I feel Him calling me to drop what I'm doing, sit down, open my Bible and my heart and meet Him.

It's so easy in our American culture and mindset to feel bad about ourselves if we are not being "productive" with our time. It's especially hard when the housework needs seem endless, to make a decision to spend that hour in prayer, talking to God, instead of doing something "productive" that I can check off my to-do list.

But I know, deep down, that spending time with God is more productive than anything else in the world. I know that by spending time with my Heavenly Father, who knows my every need, hurt and desire, that I will change from the inside out. I know that my thoughts, my attitude, and my actions will begin to line up with His.

But it isn't even for that reason that I spend time with Him. I don't spend time with Him just so I can be a better person (even though I do truly desire to become more like Jesus everyday of my life!). I spend time with Him because deep down, I truly believe that we have been created to be satisfied in nothing else. No person, no TV show, no book, no activity, NOTHING, is as satisfying as spending time with the One who created us.

As John Piper puts it, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

My challenge today for myself and all my readers is to be willing to meet God in the uncomfortable silences of life. Maybe you're not a stay at home mom. But we all have those times of silence - those times when it's tempting to find a mind-numbing activity to block out the loneliness, the stillness, and the boredom we feel. But I challenge you during those times, that instead of running to that mind-numbing activity, whatever it may be, that you would run to the Lord and meet Him, that you would open your Bible, open your heart and talk to Him, and be still long enough to listen, to hear Him speak to You...because there is nothing more satisfying than Him.

Babycation in Vegas!

My hubby and I just got back from a 5 day trip to Las Vegas without our precious one year old. As hard as it was to leave him for that many days, it was a WONDERFUL opportunity to recharge ourselves and our marriage. I HIGHLY recommend even short little get-aways for parents!

Of course, I was calling my mom three times a day to find out every little detail about Marshall. How was he eating? How was he napping? How was his overall attitude? I didn't expect to be that clingy, but being away from him that long felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a big, gaping hole that would only be filled when we were reunited. I know, sounds pathetic! After a few teary moments, my sweet hubby had to remind me that this was much-needed time for me as a wife and mom. By spending time away from Marshall, I was actually getting recharged to be a better mom when I got back. Reminders like those helped keep the tears at bay for the most part!

Besides the fact that I missed him like crazy, we had a lot of fun. Here are a few highlights from our trip:

Walking and talking - if you've ever been to Vegas, you know that you have to do a LOT of walking. Everything is big: the hotels, the casinos, the blocks, the intersections, and not only are you constantly walking, you're also going up and down stairs and escalators. That was a bit of a challenge being 5 months pregnant, but my hubby was SO good at asking wonderful questions that helped me forget that my feet and back were hurting! Questions like: what did you learn from your first year as a mom? What will you do differently with Baby 2? What are some areas of your life you want to change this year? What has been difficult about this year? What has been great about this year? Any of you who know me well know that I eat this kind of conversation up! It was wonderful! Go hubby!!!

Hiking Red Rocks Canyon - this was a half-day adventure that was WELL worth the time and money! We had a wonderful guide pick us up from our hotel and drive us 20 minutes outside the city to climb the beautiful red sandstone mountains known as the Red Rocks. It was a gorgeous day with beautiful views and a wonderful change from the stuffy, smoky casinos on the Strip.

Nice hotel - we decided that staying in a 4-5 star hotel was important to us on this trip. Being pregnant and wanting a relaxing stay, we splurged here. Well, kind of. We still used Hotwire.com, which meant we went potluck with our hotel and ended up paying half price for the room ($150 a night as opposed to $300 or more!!!). We ended up at The Wynn, which was absolutely GORGEOUS! I took a bath every night, lounged around in the hotel's comfy robe, and read a lot, sprawled out on the down-filled bed. It was bliss!

Spa Day - my hubby treated me to a day at Canyon Ranch Spa (part of the Venetian Hotel). I got a mid-week special: massage and facial. I got to enjoy the lovely amenities, which included a rain shower, wave room, aromatherapy steam room, and reading room. It was a wonderful break after walking around so much.

Half price tickets - my hubby hit the jackpot on this one. We found some FUN shows - Tony and Tina's wedding and a comedy show for half price. It felt good to enjoy a show almost every night and not feel like we were spending a fortune!

"O" by Cirque du Soleil - this was our exception to the half price tickets...well, again, kind of. We technically paid half price ($100 vs. $200) because we chose seats that were considered to have an "obstructed view" due to the railing. When Jim talked to the lady at the box office, she recommended these, promising that you wouldn't even notice the railing. She was right! It was fun knowing that we had great seats, while the people sitting right next to us paid twice as much!!!

Celebrity sighting - If anyone watches Holly's World, I saw Angel Porrino, Holly's friend, assistant and sub in "Peep Show." We were walking around one of the new hotels, the Cosmopolitan, and stumbled across a fancy champagne party going on in the lobby. She literally walked right past me, almost brushing my shoulder. I did the whole turn around and gawk thing. I was SO excited and wanted to call someone and tell them, but then realized that none of my friends watch the show (probably bc it's a little trashy!) My hubby had no idea who she was, but felt me tense up immediately as he was holding my hand when she walked past. I was giddy the rest of the evening!

Old Vegas - while we're not big gamblers, we dabbled in blackjack and craps. Our favorite place to go was Old Vegas, where the casinos have a fun vibe and you can find plenty of $5 tables (instead of the $10 and $20 tables you find at most of the hotels on the Strip). My hubby ended up "up" for the whole trip, so that was a plus!

Overall, it was a fantastic trip. I was SO ready to see Marshall the whole flight back but again, kept reminding myself that I was now rested and recharged, ready to be a full-time mom again!

The Joy in Sacrifice

I had an interesting moment in the doctor's office yesterday. A nurse was taking my vitals and asking the basic questions before the doctor arrived (I've been dealing with 2 months of persistent congestion that I probably got from my little germ spreader!). Marshall was with me and being a bit fussy and squirmy.

She looked down at my protruding belly for a moment, then asked, "How far apart will they be?"

"17 months," I replied.

"WOW," she said. "Your life is going to be CRAZY!" Her tone wasn't a sympathetic-but-it-will-be-worth-it tone. It was more like one of those thank-God-that's-not-MY- life tones. She wasn't super friendly with Marshall, either, so it was obvious she wasn't a kid person.

When she left the room, my first reaction was to feel defensive, wanting to tell her how much I really DO enjoy life as a mom. Then I felt pity for her because I thought she probably doesn't even know what she's missing! But finally, I suddenly remembered that was ME a few years ago. I would've had the SAME reaction if I saw a mom with a toddler and one on the way. I would've been thankful that wasn't ME and been SO glad I had my OWN life of freedom, unburdened by the demands of little ones.

Yet now, I AM that person I used to pity! And I can honestly say..I couldn't be more joyful! But by joyful, I don't mean my days are rosy and carefree. There are plenty of hard days. But even on those hard days, there is a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment that I have never experienced until now. Maybe not every mom feels this way, but I think most do.

Perhaps there are a few reasons for why there is such fulfillment and sense of purpose in being a mom. Biblically speaking, women were created in God's image and specifically gifted to be caretakers and mothers. That's not their ONLY role, but it's one that God clearly intended since Creation. So it is NATURAL for us to enjoy and even thrive as mothers!

But I think there is a secondary reason, which has to do with the process of DYING to ourselves. As painful as it may sound, there is something JOYFUL in sacrifice. There is something deeply fulfilling in living in a way that is not all about ME and MY NEEDS. Instead of making decisions all day long about what I want to do, I am thinking about my husband's and son's needs first (most of the time, atleast!). And while that would've sounded stifling to me a few years ago, it is deeply rewarding as I live it out today.

Let me give 2 examples.

Sickness. I rarely used to get sick and when I did, I could take a day off work, lie in bed, veg out, watch TV and allow my body to fully recuperate. That isn't the case anymore. Even when I'm sick, I have to get up at 6am, change, feed and tend to Marshall. It's hard and exhausting. But at the end of the day, I love that I can't cater to myself anymore. And I am amazed at how much TOUGHER I've become just by realizing I don't have that option!

Time. Before we had Marshall, as a married couple, Jim and I could spend our time however we wanted. Going out to movies, sleeping in on the weekends, taking a last minute trip somewhere because of a good deal on Southwest Airlines. It was OUR time. Now, Marshall sets the schedule. There are nap times, meal times, and bed times that we structure our lives around (I guess some parents don't take this approach, but you usually pay for it if your child isn't on a schedule!). While we definitely miss our old life of entertaining ourselves whenever and however we wanted, we both agree that sacrificing our own schedule for Marshall's is ultimately worth it. It means we spend a lot more time at home together, reading and going to bed earlier. But again, within that sacrifice of structure and loss of freedom, there comes JOY.

Finally, we have no better example of someone who died to Himself than Jesus Christ. He did not demand His needs or wants. Instead, He loved on people, He gave of Himself, He healed crowds who were constantly following Him, nagging Him, needing a piece of Him. And He gave, willingly, lovingly and joyfully. Up until His very death, He gave of Himself. He didn't demand His rights. He could've struck His tormentors down with a lightning bolt and killed them in one instant if He wanted to. But He didn't. That wasn't His way. His way was the way of the cross, the way of death to self, one of humility, love and sacrifice for others. He is our ultimate example.

As I continue to face new challenges each day being a mom, I want to lean on the fact that my Lord and Savior can relate to me. He has walked before me on this path of "death to self." He knows what I am going through. While it is painful and frustrating at times, He understands. And in the process, I can draw closer to Him through this experience. I am comforted by the words in Philippians 3:10-11, which say, "I want to know Christ - yes, the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow attaining to the resurrection from the dead." (Phil 3:10-11)

I look forward to knowing you more, Lord Jesus, as I embrace the challenges of motherhood and sacrifice in the years ahead!

Life's Little Disappointments

So it's been one of those weeks. Lots of little disappointments.

It started on Sunday, the morning of Marshall's first birthday, when he woke up and proceeded to throw up non-stop. The party was at 4pm that day. After a few hours of being in complete denial, Jim had to sit me down and say, "Honey, we can't have other kids over here when Marshall is throwing up. We are going to have to cancel the party." I finally accepted that fact, but definitely wasn't happy about it. I moped for most of the day. All the food, decorations, and overall excitement at celebrating my little boy's first birthday had been building up for weeks...and now it was cancelled.

I know some of you may think, it's just a one year old birthday party, for crying out loud, it's not like they even know the difference! But I think most moms will understand: birthdays, ESPECIALLY the first one, are a big deal! It's not just about the child, it's an opportunity for the parents to celebrate SURVIVING ONE YEAR with their little one and marking that milestone. Atleast we were able to reschedule the party. But that was Disappointment #1.

Disappointment #2. I got sick. None of the vomiting stuff that Marshall had (thank goodness!), but I came down with a persistent case of cedar fever. Since I'm also 18 weeks pregnant and STILL nauseous (no happy 2nd trimester hormones yet!), with the combo of a runny nose, a pounding headache and a constant desire to hurl, I just haven't been loving life.

Disappointment #3. I hosted a dinner party for 7 girlfriends last night (while still recovering from cedar fever). I'd been excited all week to host and enjoy a girls' night of fun, adult conversation, relishing a few hours away from our needy little ones. I picked a crockpot recipe that looked DELISH - chicken cacciatore with fire roasted tomatoes, green bell pepper, onions, mushrooms, chicken, basil, oregano, and bay leaves. I decided to add a cup of red wine (Cabernet) to give it a richer flavor. Well, I'm not sure if it was the wine or just a terrible recipe, but the meal was absolutely flavorless. When I took a bite, after sitting down at the dinner table with the rest of the girls, I wanted to duck under the table, I was so embarrassed at how bad it tasted. Oh goodness.

So that's been my week so far. Nothing earth shattering in the grand scheme of things, but definitely disappointing.

As I prayed today, I just confessed my hurts to the Lord. He reminded me to think about His Story for all of us. I've been reading the One Year Bible with some friends. We finished Genesis and are now in Exodus. Already, we've read about some messed up, hurting people. Women who can't get pregnant, men who deceive, families who are torn apart by jealousy, hatred and murder. The Bible doesn't sugar coat things. It shows the world like it is: full of SIN and EVIl. And yet...there is HOPE.

Why? Because we have a God who cares. We have a God who is actively involved in our lives, who doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves, but walks with us every step of the way. As I've read about the lives of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph, I see evidence of God leading them, of God walking alongside them, of God providing for them.

And as I complained to God about my hurts and disappointments of the week, He reminded me that He cares about me. That He is walking alongside me, every step of the way. And while he may not protect me from every little disappointment in life, He will be there for me.

So while it wasn't the greatest week, I am reminded that God hasn't forsaken me. He loves me and He cares. Knowing that makes my little disappointments a tad bit more palatable. :)

Celebrating ONE YEAR with Marshall!

Before I had kids, I often heard the following phrase in regards to parenting: "The years go by fast, the days go by slow." I thought yeah, yeah. But now that I am the mom of a one year old, I have to admit: IT'S TRUE!

In some ways, it's hard to believe my precious little son is already turning ONE YEAR OLD! But at the same time, during those first few months of his life, when all I was doing was nursing every 3 hours, napping when I could, eating when I could, and just plain surviving, it felt like the minutes, hours and days DRAGGED ON.

When I look at pictures of Marshall as an infant, I am SHOCKED, wondering, "was he really that small?" He looked so fragile, so pink, so helpless! And now, he's toddling around the house on his own (yes, he's walking!) and mumbling his own little words ("doh" for dog and "bawl" and "dada" for just about everything else).

When someone asks me about what this year was like, I tell them that it has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most fulfilling. Before I was a stay at home mom, I remember always feeling an unsatisfied longing at work, no matter what job it was. There were always things I enjoyed about my job, but it was just never quite the right fit. I wanted a slightly different role or more challenge or different schedule or SOMETHING else. But now, as a stay at home mom, I can actually say that I truly feel FULFILLED in a deep way. That's not to say that I don't have bad days. Trust me, I still get cranky, tired, emotional, stressed, frustrated, etc. on numerous occasions (just read my blog!). Yet despite feeling all of that, I still feel deeply FULFILLED. I am certain this is what God has called me to...in a way I've never felt before. It's a pretty awesome feeling. So when the hard days come, I can cling to the fact that this is what I am called to do, this is my purpose, to stay home, love, discipline, and invest in Marshall. What an awesome calling!

Today I'll leave you with a TOP TEN List of Marshall's first year of life:

1) THE CRAB CRAWL. Marshall has never crawled "normally" but proceeds to stick one leg out like a crab and drag himself along. Believe it or not, he can actually get going pretty fast. Our friend Jefe lovingly named it "the stanky leg."
2) THE ROCK CATASTROPHE. I will never forget my first scare at the park, when Marshall swallowed a rock and almost choked. YIKES!
3) NO PANTS. Anna, as I look back at pictures of Marshall 6 months and under, with onesies and no pants, I can finally admit, "what was I thinking?" For some reason I thought pants on an infant were unnecessary (I still think that) but for crying out loud, he looks practically naked in all his baby pictures. Baby 2 will be fully clothed at all times, even if it's just for good pictures!
4) DARE DEVIL. Moms in playgroup, babysitters and childcare workers all have the same thing to say about Marshall, "Man, he just GOES FOR IT." He doesn't think before he acts, he just does it. Hmmm...I wonder where that came from? Jim jokes that he will be skydiving well before I did. Oh goodness. Payback is a @#$#$.
5) PULLING UP. While he didn't necessarily start walking early (11 months he took his first steps, at one year he's fully walking), he did pull up to standing very early (6 months) which kept me BUSY and constantly WORRIED. He had a BUNCH of "knock knocks" on our hard wood floors. Poor thing!
6) THE ULTIMATE KNOCK KNOCK happened when he was 4 months. He propelled himself off the ottoman footrest (when I looked away for 5 seconds!) and dove headfirst onto the hard wood floor. I've never heard him scream so loud and FREAKED out when he a large black and blue bruise quickly appeared on his forehead. We rushed him to Dell Children's Hospital where the doc proceeded to tell us that everything was fine. Phew!
7) HUNGRY BABY. How did I almost forget this one? For the first 2 months of his life, thanks to mom's low milk supply (which was a whole other guilt-ridden, emotional issue), Marshall was a hungry, unhappy little baby most of the time. I remember the first night home from the hospital, when Jim and I were up ALL night taking turns holding him while he screamed. At one point, Jim stormed out into the hallway in frustration and ran into mom, who said, "Jim, I think we need to hire a baby nurse." Hilarious! Those were definitely HARD days and nights!
8) POOP IN THE BATH. So for the first 3 or 4 months of life, my child did not just poop ONCE in the bath, he pooped EVERY time he took a bath. Something with the warm water on his booty just relaxed him and it ALL came out. I got quite efficient at catching the poop with a rag and swiping it up without any of it getting on me, Marshall or the sink. But that took numerous failed attempts before I got that one down!
9) RIDING LAWNMOWER. One of my favorite images of Marshall and Daddy is watching them ride around the backyard on the riding lawnmower together, with Marshall sitting in Daddy's lap, looking around, pointing at everything, in utter fascination of the noise and the movement. I know, it doesn't sound that safe. But I've gotten past that after seeing how much they BOTH enjoy their time together. Now, when we go into the backyard to play, he always points at the lawnmower, hoping for a ride.
10) HEAD OF HAIR. Everyone comments on how much hair he has for his age. He definitely has some lovely, thin, soft locks which make him look older than he is. He is often mistaken for a two year old because of this!

Happy birthday, my precious Marshall! I love you and can't wait to get to know the wonderful man you are becoming in the years ahead!

Following Our Husband's Lead

Okay, I am totally LOVING my New Year's resolution to read the Bible in one year with the help of my blogging community of friends and Larry Crabb's companion book "66 Love Letters." I already feel like God is making His word fresh, exciting and teachable for me. I can't wait to see what else He has in store this year!

Today I wanted to share some thoughts from Genesis 12-15, the story of Abraham (or Abram, as he was called at that time) and Sarai. Usually when I read this story, I focus on Abram and how God spoke to him, blessed him, and used him, despite his weaknesses and failures. But this time, I was more interested in the life of Sarai and tried to put myself in her shoes.

Just imagine this:

You find out, as a married woman, that you are barren, in a culture where child-rearing is the PRIMARY purpose for your life. How would you NOT be bitter and angry at God? What else would you do with your time? Pick up basket weaving or pottery class or some other hobby, like playing competitive Bocci Ball (or whatever the equivalent game would be in their culture). Even these things relegated her to the status of "old maid." Poor Sarai!

THEN, your husband tells you God spoke to him (really??! And who are YOU that God speaks directly to you?) and told him you guys were supposed to leave your homeland (yikes!), your family (double yikes!) and all your possessions (No! I can't live without my weaving loom!) because he was going to be the father of many nations, having descendants as numerous as the grains of sand. Ummm...helllooo...did you forget a MINOR point? How am I supposed to conceive if I'm BARREN?!?!

But you decide to be a good, obedient wife and follow your hubby on a trek across the country, to begin what will be YEARS of wandering, living like nomads. I think I'd have a REALLY hard time not complaining about that one...when are we going to settle down so I can decorate the house, invite the neighbors over for dinner, and really put down roots? Not for many years to come, sweetie, sorry.

Then they get to this new land, where there is a powerful ruling pharaoh. Abram guesses what's coming. He's not stupid. He knows he married a beauty pageant for a wife and once Pharaoh lays eyes on her, he's dead. So he does what any noble, brave, sensible man would do: he lies to save his own hide. "She's my sister," he tells Pharoah. Well, in that case, Pharaoh plays the benevolent ruler and takes her under his wing, adopting her as another one of his wives and lavishing her with the luxuries of palace life. Any other woman would kill for such an honorable position.

Now, if I were Sarai, I would be thinking, "What the heck, Abram?!?! Did you really just hand me off to this guy without even putting up a fight? Did you really just lie to save yourself? What about that whole covenant of marriage thing, promising to be there in good times and bad?" I think I would have some serious trust and betrayal issues with my husband after that one.

But after getting over the shock of being traded in by her own husband, I can't help but think Sarai secretly enjoyed palace life. Who wouldn't?!?! The best comparison I can think of is living at Lake Austin Spa full-time, with staff members waiting on me hand and foot. Schedule for today: heated rock massage at 10am, poolside lunch at noon, yoga and personal training at 2pm, hot tub and sauna at 4pm, formal seated dinner with the pharaoh at 6pm. I think I could handle that. And even though this guy was a total stranger, after being abandoned by my husband, wouldn't I feel the least bit justified in enjoying my new posh palatial lifestyle? Don't I DESERVE this after all I've been through???

But the life and luxury at the palace didn't last long. Bad things started happening to pharaoh and he figured out there must be some kind of curse on him. He confronted Abram and demanded to know the truth. Yes, Sarai was really his wife, not his sister.

So the palatial princess was suddenly banished from the palace and sent packing with her groveling husband, who was still saying that he was supposed to be the father of many nations. But for now, they had to keep moving, keep wandering the land like nomads. At that point, I think I would really struggle with living with this guy. He'd already lost my trust. And now, after enjoying the delicacies and pamperings of the palace, here I was, back to the harsh life of a nomad, living in a tent, eating scorptions and cactus, with no massage or personal training appointments. I would TOTALLY have a bad attitude and be complaining, secretly thinking I DESERVED more.

Well, that's where the reading ends for today.

But you and I know how the story ends. We know that Sarai, who now has little trust in Abram or God, decides to take matters into her own hands and give her maidservant, Haggai, to Abram to get pregnant. Surely that's what God meant when he said Abram would become the father of many nations, right? It made sense to Sarai. Who doesn't want to take control of things when it appears that no one else is in charge?

But God was STILL faithful to Sarai. He didn't say, "Sarai, since you failed to trust me and wait for me to allow you to get pregnant in MY timing, I am no longer going to bless you." Nope. He still allowed her to get pregnant. Despite her impatience, her mistrust and her own sin, God still chose to bless her. She still become the mother of many nations.

What I learn from Sarai in all of this is that, like her, I am tempted to question my husband's decisions and try to take matters into my own hands. I question whether it's really God leading him or just his own fleshly self calling the shots. I know that like myself, he is sinful and makes mistakes. Knowing that, it's hard to submit, hard to allow him to be the leader of our family.

But after reading the story of Sarai and Abram, I realize that God chose to work through Abram and Sarai DESPITE their sin, lack of trust and failures. And my husband isn't trying to give me away to some stranger in order to save his life (although if he WERE to do that, PLEASE choose the manager of Lake Austin Spa, oh yea, baby!!!).

I realize that, even though my husband, like myself, is a fallible, imperfect human being who will make mistakes, who will cause me to question him, to be disappointed, to be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, etc...despite all of that, I am learning that I can TRUST GOD to lead me THROUGH my husband. I can trust that GOD will be faithful to his word, even when my husband is not. I can relinquish my need to control outcomes when I don't think my husband is doing it right because ultimately, God's purposes are going to come about whether my husband and I are being "good" or not. Once again, it's not about our goodness at all. It's about God's faithfulness. And He NEVER changes, never lets us down, never fails us, never abandons us. What good news this is!

Let us cling to the ROCK that is higher than ourselves by allowing our husbands to lead us in marriage and in life because we know that our God is FAITHFUL to bring about His purposes despite our own shortcomings.