Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Secret to Contentment

We spent a beautiful weekend at our family's ranch for Thanksgiving. The weather was spectacular. After driving up Wednesday afternoon, in 80 degree sunshine, we awoke the next morning just as a cold front began to sweep in, bringing temperatures down into the 20's! For me, who gets a little tired of the Texas heat, I was thrilled by the brisk chill in the air. We bundled up and drove around in the mule (an offroad version of a golf cart) to explore the countryside. For the entire weekend, the sunsets were spectacular. The food was delicious (my favorite, as always, is my mom's cornbread dressing!). Even the deer seemed extra playful, romping about to keep warm while grazing at the corn feeder, in perfect view from the back porch.

The only thing I would have changed was the amount of sleep we got. As usual, when we travel, our son (who is now 10 and a half months old), wakes up numerous times throughout the night. Unlike at home, where we can let him cry for awhile until he falls back asleep on his own, at the ranch house, where all five bedrooms are occupied with family members, we have to be sensitive to waking others up. So when Marshall cries, we get up and give him a bottle or try soothing him back to sleep. Unfortunately, he's discovered how this works and uses it to his advantage. By the third night, he had us up four or five times a night and wouldn't let us put him back down in the pack n play without a fight. It was exhausting. By that time, I admit, I was beyond the point of frustration and just plain angry. Angry at the fact that we weren't getting sleep. Angry at how I was going to feel the next day. Angry at having to deal with this every time we travel. Angry because I thought that by this age, our son would be past the wake up in the middle of the night routine. As always, my tendency in those moments is to let out a string of expletives, just to make me feel better. I know, not the most attractive character quality. My husband hates it (he doesn't resort to cursing, like I do!). But it's hard for me in those moments, when I look at the clock and realize it's only 3am, and I've already been up four times and I'm just counting the hours until morning when everyone is up and I can begin to look forward to putting him down for his first nap. At that point, of course, time moves at a snail's pace.

Some moms would probably suggest putting travel on hold or staying in a hotel until Marshall is sleeping better. But for me, family time, being all together in one house, is too special to pass up. So many memories are created every time we are together. So yes, we will be exhausted and a bit cranky. But to us, it's worth it. What I decided to figure out, instead, was how to change my expectations in order to cope in the midst of those exhausting nights (usually by 5am with a few cups of coffee, I could perk up).

When we got home from the ranch, I spent some time in God's word, looking for guidance. God led me to Philippians 4:11-13, which says: "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

To grasp the power of this verse, I think it's helpful to look at the life of the author. Paul, before encountering Jesus, was a highly influential and prestigious Jewish teacher and leader in the community. He ran in a circle of the most elite and educated men of his day. He had power and prestige. When he spoke, people listened. But on the road to Damascus, when he was blinded by a light and encountered Jesus, his life was radically changed. As he began to preach a message of repentance, forgiveness and salvation through Jesus alone, men who once admired him wanted him killed. Instead of receiving fame and glory, he was mocked and scorned. Some thought he had gone insane. In addition to the emotional loss of his reputation, he endured physical suffering. He was beaten, flogged, whipped, jailed, shipwrecked, bitten by a poisonous snake, and endured MANY a sleepless night.

So how can he, of all people, say that he has learned to be content in WHATEVER circumstances?

I believe the answer is in verse 13, which says, "I can do all this through HIM who gives me strength."

Before encountering Jesus, Paul did everything in his own strength. His education, position and reputation were all earned by his own efforts. He followed the Law as closely as anyone could follow it. If anyone had a right to do so, he could pat himself on the back and say, "I earned all of this! Look at me!"

But when he became a follower of Jesus, his world was turned upside down. It was no longer about who he was or what he could show for himself. The focus was no longer on what he did, but what Jesus did for us. Paul preached a message that admitted utter weakness in himself and in all of humanity: that Christ came to die a death and pay a price that we could never pay, that Christ offers reconciliation between God and man, something that we can never earn, that Christ alone should receive glory, honor, and praise because He alone is God.

Knowing Paul's story helps me to put my own circumstances into perspective. It is not by pulling up my bootstraps and willing myself to be happy, positive and content, that I will be able to get through tough times. That's what any self-help book will tell you. YOU can do it. Just do x, y, and z. That's not what Paul or Jesus is saying. Quite the opposite. It is only from a position of complete weakness and humility can we find true strength to endure hardship. By being willing to say, "I can't do this, Lord. I am weak and have nothing without You," is when true strength comes. It is letting go of trying to control outcomes and allowing Jesus to be fully sovereign over every detail of our lives. I know, easier said than done. But when we come to God in weakness, that's when we find strength. That's when we find true contentment.

So my prayer today is that we would become weak, poor and needy before God, that we would be willing to say, "I can't do this, Lord, but You can. I release all control, all anxiety, fear, anger, and frustration to You and entrust You to take care of this for me," that we would truly believe that God's "power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that we would learn, just as Paul learned, that the secret of being content is not by finding strength in ourselves, but in Jesus. When I am able to do that, I believe I will truly find contentment, even when my little one keeps me up all hours of the night!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thankful for Truth Speakers in my Life

As Thanksgiving approaches, I keep thinking about all of the things I am thankful for. This morning, one specific thing came to mind: girlfriends who speak truth in my life.

I have been blessed to be a part of a group of girlfriends who have been meeting for over 9 years. 9 years! I can't believe it's been that long! Originally, the group began as a Bible study. We covered a few different books of the Bible, but then, when we started a study of Revelations...oh goodness. We were in over our heads. I remember staying up late one night, all of us quite content with our large glasses of wine, sprawled out across the overstuffed couches, with confused faces asking, "Now, what do the 7 lamps represent again?" It was quite humorous. I'm sure the wine didn't help! At that point we realized, perhaps instead of having a Bible study every week (we were all already involved in other Bible studies at the time), we could make it an accountability group. A safe place where we could come and share our struggles, ask for prayer and receive godly advice.

Our husbands later joked that it should be called "friendship circle" because we no longer brought Bibles, but always had wine. ha! But in all seriousness, it was a place where we knew we would receive truth.

And when I say truth, I don't mean worldly advice. I don't mean the kind of advice that makes you feel right and justified, but deep down, you know something is not quite right. No, I mean Bible-centered advice. Advice that points me back to Jesus. Advice that reminds me I am a sinner in need of a Savior, someone who has to live by grace everyday of my life. And that kind of advice isn't always easy to hear.

For example, when I go to "friendship circle" each week, I know that if I am in a foul mood, if I'm frustrated with my husband, if I'm having a hard time loving a friend or family member, I know that when I share that frustration, the girls aren't just going to take my side and tell me how I'm totally normal and okay to feel those things and justified in the way that I reacted. Quite the contrary. They are going to point me back to the truth of God's word. They are going to confront me if I have sinned. They are going to remind me that I am called to love, even when someone has wronged me. That I am called to submit to my husband, even when I don't agree with him. That I am called to be kind, patient, and joyful, even when I don't feel like it. Why? Because Jesus is Lord of my life and he calls us to do so. And thankfully, it's not something I have to work up the energy to do on my own, but by submitting to Christ and allowing him to work through me, by admitting my weakness and need for Him, He gives me the ability to love, forgive, and submit, even when I don't want to.

So each week, when Wednesday night rolls around, I look forward to spending time with these girls. And because it's been years, we know each other quite well. We know our weaknesses and sinful tendencies, but we also know each other's strengths and giftedness and how to encourage each other to use them for the glory of God.

So today, I want to give thanks for these wonderful women who are truth speakers in my life. My prayer for you today is that you find truth speakers to share your life with and that you become a truth speaker yourself. Instead of "tickling each other's ears" with worldly feel-good advice that you can find almost anywhere these days, I want to challenge us to be people who point one another back to Jesus, back to the fact that we are sinners in need of a Savior who are living out a higher calling, a calling that calls us to love, forgive, and submit even when we don't feel like it. And as we do so, God receives all the glory!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Needing a Good Dose of Grace Today

Today I had one of my not-so-finest moments.

My sweet hubby has been on a number of business trips lately, so in his absence, he left me with a "to do" list. As a stay-at-home mom, I view my role not only as a mom who is taking care of our son, but as a supportive wife, who helps keep the house in order and serves my husband in any way I can, since he's a busy, working man that's bringing in the dough for our family. But I confess, there are often times when he gives me a list, that I grumble and complain. Especially when it includes tasks like in the case of today, contacting Blue Cross Blue Shield about a prescription reimbursement. Ugh. Not my idea of a fun way to spend my time.

When I called Blue Cross Blue Shield, as I expected, I was transferred four times before reaching the correct department. To make matters worse, every time I was transferred, I was asked for my Member ID through an automated system, which meant I had to say the number, there was no option to type it in or speak to a representative. After trying to slowly and clearly say the 10 digit number four times, I finally gave up and yelled, "Representative!" I was then transferred to a live person. The lady I reached proceeded to tell me that my Member ID was incorrect. It had 1 T, not 2 T's in it. Well, I explained, the past four people were able to look up my information with 2 T's, not 1. As we went on and on, I just got angrier and angrier. She wasn't the nicest lady, for sure, but that was probably no excuse for my escalating anger. By the end of the call, she told me she would transfer me to yet another departmentt, which lead to me letting out a few expletives under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear and I quickly added in my best sarcastic voice, "You've been so helpful." Okay, it definitely wasn't my finest moment. And I was a little embarrassed of my behavior a few minutes later, when the next lady I spoke with did, in fact, confirm that my Member ID only had 1 T, not 2. Oops.

What's so funny about this story is that just yesterday, Sunday morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading my Bible and spending a few moments with the Lord before we went to church. I heard Jim on the phone in his office talking to a credit card company about some charges on his bill that he did not make. The representative was apparently frustrating him, because as the conversation continued, I could hear him get louder and ruder. By the end of the call, he was practically yelling. During that whole conversation, I was praying, "Lord, please help Jim to have more patience and kindness with people, even if they are frustrating him." HA! How hilarous is that!

What all this reminded me of was how badly I am in need of a Savior and how deeply I need God's grace. As much as I may pray, go to church, read God's word, and get involved in Bible studies, that doesn't change the fact that I am a sinner desperately in need of God's grace. That every day, I screw up. Every day, I need to repent. Every day, I need a new, fresh dose of his loving, merciful, amazing grace.

It also reminded me how easy it is to point out the sin in someone else's life and yet fail to recognize the junk in my own heart. I was in a little bit of a "holier than thou" mentality as I sat and had my quiet time and prayed for Jim as he chewed out the rep on the phone. God knew what He was doing when this situation came up today. It reminded me that I am right there with Jim, no better no worse (and no better, no worse than anyone else, for that matter), but I am another sinful, impatient person who is quick to get angry. We are all desperately in need of a Savior, we all need forgiveness and God's grace! And the wonderful, beautiful good news is that it is by grace and grace alone that we have been saved! There's nothing WE can do to get to God, but He came down to us in the form of Jesus Christ. Thank God!

As a mom, there have already been many times when I've had hard days with Marshall. Whether he's fussy from teething, not napping well, or throwing his food all over the floor, on those days, it's hard to stay calm and composed. Those are the days when I have to cry out to God and say, "Lord, have mercy! I need your grace to get through this day!" But what a sweet reminder that can be...that in the midst of a trying day, we can remember that it's not through our own strength, but His, that we can respond in a gracious, loving way. And when we DO respond in a gracious, loving way, He gets the credit, not us. Isn't that wonderful how that works?

Even beyond that, it challenges me to remember that other people will have bad days and they might take it out on me. I used to work in a call center and I would get yelled at all the time. It's hard not to get angry back. But then, I have to remember, that I, too, have lost my temper and gotten angry, that I, too, am a sinner in need of God's grace. When I remember that, it quickly levels the playing field and reminds me I have no room to judge.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC, which speaks to our very core identity as human beings: "We are more sinful than we could ever imagine, but we are more loved than we could ever dare hope."

My prayer for you today is that you would be reminded of your sinfulness, not in a way that is defeating and devastating, but in a way that leads to deep gratitude for Jesus' death on the cross for you, that you would be reminded that you are a sinner saved by grace, that grace is a gift, and it is not by anything you have done that you are saved, but by God's grace and grace alone. What a wonderful reason to rejoice!

And next time...I pray that God would give me the grace to be nicer to the next BCBS rep I talk to on the phone!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tapping into Divine Power

My theme verse for this week is from 2 Peter 1:3: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness."

There are so many rich insights to glean from this verse, but what I pondered this week was: how do I tap into that divine power? How can I be equipped for all of life's trials, struggles and frustrations and still respond in a loving, patient and godly way?

Well, the answer is there: "through our knowledge of Him."

But how do we know God? Well, I can think of several ways: through prayer, through worshipping in songs and hymns, through listening to a pastor teach from God's word, through listening to the wise counsel of godly friends. But above all, the main way we get to know God, the way that Jesus, the disciples, and the prophets remind us how He speaks directly to us, is through His word. The Holy Scriptures. The Bible. It's right there for us, available in almost every language today (thanks to Wycliffe Bible Translators and other awesome ministries!).

Sadly, how often do we NOT tap into this readily available resource? For me, honestly, it's a lot more often than I would like to admit. Since becoming a mom, it's been especially hard. Sleepless nights, loads of laundry and piles of toys to clean up all come before spending time in God's word. It's so hard to even focus sometimes. And I can tell, almost immediately, when I haven't been spending time in God's word. It's not that He punishes me or looks down on me. No, nothing like that. It's just that I am missing out. I feel powerless, helpless, and weak. I stop praying. I start depending on myself. I get cranky and defensive and argumentative and irritable. I turn to things like TV or magazines for comfort. But nothing really refreshes my soul. Finally, I usually come to a point where I realize what I've been doing. And that's when I confess it. That's what I had to do a few weeks ago, after 9 months (maybe more) of rarely opening God's word. I confessed my lack of desire to read the Bible and began to ask God to give me a renewed hunger and eagerness to spend time with Him and be in the word.

Well, He answered, almost immediately. God prompted me, through the encouragement of a few friends, to get involved in a women's Bible study that meets weekly. The study provides a curriculum with daily lessons to guide my time in God's word. The questions are simple, nothing mind-blowing. But what it has challenged me to do is get back into the habit of opening God's word DAILY. Even if it's just for 15 or 30 minutes. It is SO worth it.

And what has happened as a result? I have tapped into that "divine power that has given us everything we need for life and godliness." I can truly say, I immediately noticed a difference. I began to pray again, numerous times a day. In the car, while giving Marshall a bottle, on a walk, on the phone, in the middle of a difficult conversation, etc. I stopped depending on myself and turned to God for strength. I became more attune to my own sinful heart attitudes: pride, selfishness, anger, irritability, unwillingness to submit to my husband, jealousy, etc. But mostly, my soul has been refreshed. I feel satisfied, full of joy, content even in the midst of a stressful day when all Marshall wants to do is whine. Why? Because I've tapped into that divine power that equips me for EVERYTHING I need. It can't come from me. It has to come from above.

So I have to ask...have you tapped into that divine power? If not, you're missing out. As easy as it is to de-prioritize sitting down and opening God's word, even if it's just 15 minutes...I encourage you NOT to let it be set aside for another day. Because when we do tap into that divine power, when we taste the honey from His Scriptures and see that the Lord is good, there is nothing more satisfying.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A Spirit of Thanksgiving

It's not every morning that I wake up just bursting with thankfulness, but today was one of those mornings. Perhaps the cool, crisp air did it. Perhaps because it's Mother's Day Out and I get to have a few precious hours to myself. Who knows. But I can't resist the opportunity to list a few things I am oh so thankful for!

1. My family - this includes my immediate family, my extended family and my in-laws (yes, I LOVE my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law!). I look forward to spending time with my family. I enjoy getting to know each other better, in different life stages, as the years go by. I love how the dynamic keeps changing with the addition of more and more little ones each year. It's chaotic, but so much fun! I can't wait to celebrate the holiday season together!

2. My friends - I am so grateful to be surrounded by a community of close friends that are within walking distance from me. We get to see each other weekly, if not daily, depending on the week. Most of us are stay at home moms, so we meet up for playgroups, walks, park time and girls' night out on a regular basis. I don't think I'd survive being a SAHM without my precious friends. Yay for community!!!

3. My hubby - as cheesy as this sounds, he is truly my best friend and lifelong companion. I love when he comes home and we can share our day together. He downloads about work, I give him the latest on Marshall's hilarious antics. Occasionally, we even get an evening walk in before it's time for Marshall's bedtime routine.

4. Marshall - He keeps us laughing non-stop. Whether it's a new sound (ba-ba-ba, da-da-da, ma-ma-ma), a new move (climbing into the kitchen cabinet after dumping everything in it out on the floor), or a new discovery (pulling the entire roll of toilet paper off the roll, then ripping it to shreds), we are constantly giggling. He definitely keeps us young!

5. Halloween party - we hosted a kids' costume party for the neighbors and had a blast hanging out with all the young families. Relationships were built, fun was had and many more memories are promised for the future.

6. Beautiful fall weather - it is FINALLY here (hopefully, to stay!). I'm not much of a Texas summer fan, so I am LOVING the crisp, cool nip in the air!

7. My relationship with Jesus - once again, I know this can sound terribly trite and cheesy, but I truly am thankful that He is Lord of my life, that I can pray and talk to Him throughout the day, about anything, anything at all. My thoughts, my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. And I can know that He hears me. And not only that He hears me, but that He cares, that He is there for me, that He leads me, He protects me, He disciplines me, He forgives me, He instructs me, He speaks to me, He loves me. What wonderful news that is!

Those are just a few of the things I am thankful for today. I pray that this season of thanksgiving will cause each of you to reflect on what you are thankful for, as well!