So it's been one of those weeks. Lots of little disappointments.
It started on Sunday, the morning of Marshall's first birthday, when he woke up and proceeded to throw up non-stop. The party was at 4pm that day. After a few hours of being in complete denial, Jim had to sit me down and say, "Honey, we can't have other kids over here when Marshall is throwing up. We are going to have to cancel the party." I finally accepted that fact, but definitely wasn't happy about it. I moped for most of the day. All the food, decorations, and overall excitement at celebrating my little boy's first birthday had been building up for weeks...and now it was cancelled.
I know some of you may think, it's just a one year old birthday party, for crying out loud, it's not like they even know the difference! But I think most moms will understand: birthdays, ESPECIALLY the first one, are a big deal! It's not just about the child, it's an opportunity for the parents to celebrate SURVIVING ONE YEAR with their little one and marking that milestone. Atleast we were able to reschedule the party. But that was Disappointment #1.
Disappointment #2. I got sick. None of the vomiting stuff that Marshall had (thank goodness!), but I came down with a persistent case of cedar fever. Since I'm also 18 weeks pregnant and STILL nauseous (no happy 2nd trimester hormones yet!), with the combo of a runny nose, a pounding headache and a constant desire to hurl, I just haven't been loving life.
Disappointment #3. I hosted a dinner party for 7 girlfriends last night (while still recovering from cedar fever). I'd been excited all week to host and enjoy a girls' night of fun, adult conversation, relishing a few hours away from our needy little ones. I picked a crockpot recipe that looked DELISH - chicken cacciatore with fire roasted tomatoes, green bell pepper, onions, mushrooms, chicken, basil, oregano, and bay leaves. I decided to add a cup of red wine (Cabernet) to give it a richer flavor. Well, I'm not sure if it was the wine or just a terrible recipe, but the meal was absolutely flavorless. When I took a bite, after sitting down at the dinner table with the rest of the girls, I wanted to duck under the table, I was so embarrassed at how bad it tasted. Oh goodness.
So that's been my week so far. Nothing earth shattering in the grand scheme of things, but definitely disappointing.
As I prayed today, I just confessed my hurts to the Lord. He reminded me to think about His Story for all of us. I've been reading the One Year Bible with some friends. We finished Genesis and are now in Exodus. Already, we've read about some messed up, hurting people. Women who can't get pregnant, men who deceive, families who are torn apart by jealousy, hatred and murder. The Bible doesn't sugar coat things. It shows the world like it is: full of SIN and EVIl. And yet...there is HOPE.
Why? Because we have a God who cares. We have a God who is actively involved in our lives, who doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves, but walks with us every step of the way. As I've read about the lives of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph, I see evidence of God leading them, of God walking alongside them, of God providing for them.
And as I complained to God about my hurts and disappointments of the week, He reminded me that He cares about me. That He is walking alongside me, every step of the way. And while he may not protect me from every little disappointment in life, He will be there for me.
So while it wasn't the greatest week, I am reminded that God hasn't forsaken me. He loves me and He cares. Knowing that makes my little disappointments a tad bit more palatable. :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Celebrating ONE YEAR with Marshall!
Before I had kids, I often heard the following phrase in regards to parenting: "The years go by fast, the days go by slow." I thought yeah, yeah. But now that I am the mom of a one year old, I have to admit: IT'S TRUE!
In some ways, it's hard to believe my precious little son is already turning ONE YEAR OLD! But at the same time, during those first few months of his life, when all I was doing was nursing every 3 hours, napping when I could, eating when I could, and just plain surviving, it felt like the minutes, hours and days DRAGGED ON.
When I look at pictures of Marshall as an infant, I am SHOCKED, wondering, "was he really that small?" He looked so fragile, so pink, so helpless! And now, he's toddling around the house on his own (yes, he's walking!) and mumbling his own little words ("doh" for dog and "bawl" and "dada" for just about everything else).
When someone asks me about what this year was like, I tell them that it has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most fulfilling. Before I was a stay at home mom, I remember always feeling an unsatisfied longing at work, no matter what job it was. There were always things I enjoyed about my job, but it was just never quite the right fit. I wanted a slightly different role or more challenge or different schedule or SOMETHING else. But now, as a stay at home mom, I can actually say that I truly feel FULFILLED in a deep way. That's not to say that I don't have bad days. Trust me, I still get cranky, tired, emotional, stressed, frustrated, etc. on numerous occasions (just read my blog!). Yet despite feeling all of that, I still feel deeply FULFILLED. I am certain this is what God has called me to...in a way I've never felt before. It's a pretty awesome feeling. So when the hard days come, I can cling to the fact that this is what I am called to do, this is my purpose, to stay home, love, discipline, and invest in Marshall. What an awesome calling!
Today I'll leave you with a TOP TEN List of Marshall's first year of life:
1) THE CRAB CRAWL. Marshall has never crawled "normally" but proceeds to stick one leg out like a crab and drag himself along. Believe it or not, he can actually get going pretty fast. Our friend Jefe lovingly named it "the stanky leg."
2) THE ROCK CATASTROPHE. I will never forget my first scare at the park, when Marshall swallowed a rock and almost choked. YIKES!
3) NO PANTS. Anna, as I look back at pictures of Marshall 6 months and under, with onesies and no pants, I can finally admit, "what was I thinking?" For some reason I thought pants on an infant were unnecessary (I still think that) but for crying out loud, he looks practically naked in all his baby pictures. Baby 2 will be fully clothed at all times, even if it's just for good pictures!
4) DARE DEVIL. Moms in playgroup, babysitters and childcare workers all have the same thing to say about Marshall, "Man, he just GOES FOR IT." He doesn't think before he acts, he just does it. Hmmm...I wonder where that came from? Jim jokes that he will be skydiving well before I did. Oh goodness. Payback is a @#$#$.
5) PULLING UP. While he didn't necessarily start walking early (11 months he took his first steps, at one year he's fully walking), he did pull up to standing very early (6 months) which kept me BUSY and constantly WORRIED. He had a BUNCH of "knock knocks" on our hard wood floors. Poor thing!
6) THE ULTIMATE KNOCK KNOCK happened when he was 4 months. He propelled himself off the ottoman footrest (when I looked away for 5 seconds!) and dove headfirst onto the hard wood floor. I've never heard him scream so loud and FREAKED out when he a large black and blue bruise quickly appeared on his forehead. We rushed him to Dell Children's Hospital where the doc proceeded to tell us that everything was fine. Phew!
7) HUNGRY BABY. How did I almost forget this one? For the first 2 months of his life, thanks to mom's low milk supply (which was a whole other guilt-ridden, emotional issue), Marshall was a hungry, unhappy little baby most of the time. I remember the first night home from the hospital, when Jim and I were up ALL night taking turns holding him while he screamed. At one point, Jim stormed out into the hallway in frustration and ran into mom, who said, "Jim, I think we need to hire a baby nurse." Hilarious! Those were definitely HARD days and nights!
8) POOP IN THE BATH. So for the first 3 or 4 months of life, my child did not just poop ONCE in the bath, he pooped EVERY time he took a bath. Something with the warm water on his booty just relaxed him and it ALL came out. I got quite efficient at catching the poop with a rag and swiping it up without any of it getting on me, Marshall or the sink. But that took numerous failed attempts before I got that one down!
9) RIDING LAWNMOWER. One of my favorite images of Marshall and Daddy is watching them ride around the backyard on the riding lawnmower together, with Marshall sitting in Daddy's lap, looking around, pointing at everything, in utter fascination of the noise and the movement. I know, it doesn't sound that safe. But I've gotten past that after seeing how much they BOTH enjoy their time together. Now, when we go into the backyard to play, he always points at the lawnmower, hoping for a ride.
10) HEAD OF HAIR. Everyone comments on how much hair he has for his age. He definitely has some lovely, thin, soft locks which make him look older than he is. He is often mistaken for a two year old because of this!
Happy birthday, my precious Marshall! I love you and can't wait to get to know the wonderful man you are becoming in the years ahead!
In some ways, it's hard to believe my precious little son is already turning ONE YEAR OLD! But at the same time, during those first few months of his life, when all I was doing was nursing every 3 hours, napping when I could, eating when I could, and just plain surviving, it felt like the minutes, hours and days DRAGGED ON.
When I look at pictures of Marshall as an infant, I am SHOCKED, wondering, "was he really that small?" He looked so fragile, so pink, so helpless! And now, he's toddling around the house on his own (yes, he's walking!) and mumbling his own little words ("doh" for dog and "bawl" and "dada" for just about everything else).
When someone asks me about what this year was like, I tell them that it has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most fulfilling. Before I was a stay at home mom, I remember always feeling an unsatisfied longing at work, no matter what job it was. There were always things I enjoyed about my job, but it was just never quite the right fit. I wanted a slightly different role or more challenge or different schedule or SOMETHING else. But now, as a stay at home mom, I can actually say that I truly feel FULFILLED in a deep way. That's not to say that I don't have bad days. Trust me, I still get cranky, tired, emotional, stressed, frustrated, etc. on numerous occasions (just read my blog!). Yet despite feeling all of that, I still feel deeply FULFILLED. I am certain this is what God has called me to...in a way I've never felt before. It's a pretty awesome feeling. So when the hard days come, I can cling to the fact that this is what I am called to do, this is my purpose, to stay home, love, discipline, and invest in Marshall. What an awesome calling!
Today I'll leave you with a TOP TEN List of Marshall's first year of life:
1) THE CRAB CRAWL. Marshall has never crawled "normally" but proceeds to stick one leg out like a crab and drag himself along. Believe it or not, he can actually get going pretty fast. Our friend Jefe lovingly named it "the stanky leg."
2) THE ROCK CATASTROPHE. I will never forget my first scare at the park, when Marshall swallowed a rock and almost choked. YIKES!
3) NO PANTS. Anna, as I look back at pictures of Marshall 6 months and under, with onesies and no pants, I can finally admit, "what was I thinking?" For some reason I thought pants on an infant were unnecessary (I still think that) but for crying out loud, he looks practically naked in all his baby pictures. Baby 2 will be fully clothed at all times, even if it's just for good pictures!
4) DARE DEVIL. Moms in playgroup, babysitters and childcare workers all have the same thing to say about Marshall, "Man, he just GOES FOR IT." He doesn't think before he acts, he just does it. Hmmm...I wonder where that came from? Jim jokes that he will be skydiving well before I did. Oh goodness. Payback is a @#$#$.
5) PULLING UP. While he didn't necessarily start walking early (11 months he took his first steps, at one year he's fully walking), he did pull up to standing very early (6 months) which kept me BUSY and constantly WORRIED. He had a BUNCH of "knock knocks" on our hard wood floors. Poor thing!
6) THE ULTIMATE KNOCK KNOCK happened when he was 4 months. He propelled himself off the ottoman footrest (when I looked away for 5 seconds!) and dove headfirst onto the hard wood floor. I've never heard him scream so loud and FREAKED out when he a large black and blue bruise quickly appeared on his forehead. We rushed him to Dell Children's Hospital where the doc proceeded to tell us that everything was fine. Phew!
7) HUNGRY BABY. How did I almost forget this one? For the first 2 months of his life, thanks to mom's low milk supply (which was a whole other guilt-ridden, emotional issue), Marshall was a hungry, unhappy little baby most of the time. I remember the first night home from the hospital, when Jim and I were up ALL night taking turns holding him while he screamed. At one point, Jim stormed out into the hallway in frustration and ran into mom, who said, "Jim, I think we need to hire a baby nurse." Hilarious! Those were definitely HARD days and nights!
8) POOP IN THE BATH. So for the first 3 or 4 months of life, my child did not just poop ONCE in the bath, he pooped EVERY time he took a bath. Something with the warm water on his booty just relaxed him and it ALL came out. I got quite efficient at catching the poop with a rag and swiping it up without any of it getting on me, Marshall or the sink. But that took numerous failed attempts before I got that one down!
9) RIDING LAWNMOWER. One of my favorite images of Marshall and Daddy is watching them ride around the backyard on the riding lawnmower together, with Marshall sitting in Daddy's lap, looking around, pointing at everything, in utter fascination of the noise and the movement. I know, it doesn't sound that safe. But I've gotten past that after seeing how much they BOTH enjoy their time together. Now, when we go into the backyard to play, he always points at the lawnmower, hoping for a ride.
10) HEAD OF HAIR. Everyone comments on how much hair he has for his age. He definitely has some lovely, thin, soft locks which make him look older than he is. He is often mistaken for a two year old because of this!
Happy birthday, my precious Marshall! I love you and can't wait to get to know the wonderful man you are becoming in the years ahead!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Following Our Husband's Lead
Okay, I am totally LOVING my New Year's resolution to read the Bible in one year with the help of my blogging community of friends and Larry Crabb's companion book "66 Love Letters." I already feel like God is making His word fresh, exciting and teachable for me. I can't wait to see what else He has in store this year!
Today I wanted to share some thoughts from Genesis 12-15, the story of Abraham (or Abram, as he was called at that time) and Sarai. Usually when I read this story, I focus on Abram and how God spoke to him, blessed him, and used him, despite his weaknesses and failures. But this time, I was more interested in the life of Sarai and tried to put myself in her shoes.
Just imagine this:
You find out, as a married woman, that you are barren, in a culture where child-rearing is the PRIMARY purpose for your life. How would you NOT be bitter and angry at God? What else would you do with your time? Pick up basket weaving or pottery class or some other hobby, like playing competitive Bocci Ball (or whatever the equivalent game would be in their culture). Even these things relegated her to the status of "old maid." Poor Sarai!
THEN, your husband tells you God spoke to him (really??! And who are YOU that God speaks directly to you?) and told him you guys were supposed to leave your homeland (yikes!), your family (double yikes!) and all your possessions (No! I can't live without my weaving loom!) because he was going to be the father of many nations, having descendants as numerous as the grains of sand. Ummm...helllooo...did you forget a MINOR point? How am I supposed to conceive if I'm BARREN?!?!
But you decide to be a good, obedient wife and follow your hubby on a trek across the country, to begin what will be YEARS of wandering, living like nomads. I think I'd have a REALLY hard time not complaining about that one...when are we going to settle down so I can decorate the house, invite the neighbors over for dinner, and really put down roots? Not for many years to come, sweetie, sorry.
Then they get to this new land, where there is a powerful ruling pharaoh. Abram guesses what's coming. He's not stupid. He knows he married a beauty pageant for a wife and once Pharaoh lays eyes on her, he's dead. So he does what any noble, brave, sensible man would do: he lies to save his own hide. "She's my sister," he tells Pharoah. Well, in that case, Pharaoh plays the benevolent ruler and takes her under his wing, adopting her as another one of his wives and lavishing her with the luxuries of palace life. Any other woman would kill for such an honorable position.
Now, if I were Sarai, I would be thinking, "What the heck, Abram?!?! Did you really just hand me off to this guy without even putting up a fight? Did you really just lie to save yourself? What about that whole covenant of marriage thing, promising to be there in good times and bad?" I think I would have some serious trust and betrayal issues with my husband after that one.
But after getting over the shock of being traded in by her own husband, I can't help but think Sarai secretly enjoyed palace life. Who wouldn't?!?! The best comparison I can think of is living at Lake Austin Spa full-time, with staff members waiting on me hand and foot. Schedule for today: heated rock massage at 10am, poolside lunch at noon, yoga and personal training at 2pm, hot tub and sauna at 4pm, formal seated dinner with the pharaoh at 6pm. I think I could handle that. And even though this guy was a total stranger, after being abandoned by my husband, wouldn't I feel the least bit justified in enjoying my new posh palatial lifestyle? Don't I DESERVE this after all I've been through???
But the life and luxury at the palace didn't last long. Bad things started happening to pharaoh and he figured out there must be some kind of curse on him. He confronted Abram and demanded to know the truth. Yes, Sarai was really his wife, not his sister.
So the palatial princess was suddenly banished from the palace and sent packing with her groveling husband, who was still saying that he was supposed to be the father of many nations. But for now, they had to keep moving, keep wandering the land like nomads. At that point, I think I would really struggle with living with this guy. He'd already lost my trust. And now, after enjoying the delicacies and pamperings of the palace, here I was, back to the harsh life of a nomad, living in a tent, eating scorptions and cactus, with no massage or personal training appointments. I would TOTALLY have a bad attitude and be complaining, secretly thinking I DESERVED more.
Well, that's where the reading ends for today.
But you and I know how the story ends. We know that Sarai, who now has little trust in Abram or God, decides to take matters into her own hands and give her maidservant, Haggai, to Abram to get pregnant. Surely that's what God meant when he said Abram would become the father of many nations, right? It made sense to Sarai. Who doesn't want to take control of things when it appears that no one else is in charge?
But God was STILL faithful to Sarai. He didn't say, "Sarai, since you failed to trust me and wait for me to allow you to get pregnant in MY timing, I am no longer going to bless you." Nope. He still allowed her to get pregnant. Despite her impatience, her mistrust and her own sin, God still chose to bless her. She still become the mother of many nations.
What I learn from Sarai in all of this is that, like her, I am tempted to question my husband's decisions and try to take matters into my own hands. I question whether it's really God leading him or just his own fleshly self calling the shots. I know that like myself, he is sinful and makes mistakes. Knowing that, it's hard to submit, hard to allow him to be the leader of our family.
But after reading the story of Sarai and Abram, I realize that God chose to work through Abram and Sarai DESPITE their sin, lack of trust and failures. And my husband isn't trying to give me away to some stranger in order to save his life (although if he WERE to do that, PLEASE choose the manager of Lake Austin Spa, oh yea, baby!!!).
I realize that, even though my husband, like myself, is a fallible, imperfect human being who will make mistakes, who will cause me to question him, to be disappointed, to be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, etc...despite all of that, I am learning that I can TRUST GOD to lead me THROUGH my husband. I can trust that GOD will be faithful to his word, even when my husband is not. I can relinquish my need to control outcomes when I don't think my husband is doing it right because ultimately, God's purposes are going to come about whether my husband and I are being "good" or not. Once again, it's not about our goodness at all. It's about God's faithfulness. And He NEVER changes, never lets us down, never fails us, never abandons us. What good news this is!
Let us cling to the ROCK that is higher than ourselves by allowing our husbands to lead us in marriage and in life because we know that our God is FAITHFUL to bring about His purposes despite our own shortcomings.
Today I wanted to share some thoughts from Genesis 12-15, the story of Abraham (or Abram, as he was called at that time) and Sarai. Usually when I read this story, I focus on Abram and how God spoke to him, blessed him, and used him, despite his weaknesses and failures. But this time, I was more interested in the life of Sarai and tried to put myself in her shoes.
Just imagine this:
You find out, as a married woman, that you are barren, in a culture where child-rearing is the PRIMARY purpose for your life. How would you NOT be bitter and angry at God? What else would you do with your time? Pick up basket weaving or pottery class or some other hobby, like playing competitive Bocci Ball (or whatever the equivalent game would be in their culture). Even these things relegated her to the status of "old maid." Poor Sarai!
THEN, your husband tells you God spoke to him (really??! And who are YOU that God speaks directly to you?) and told him you guys were supposed to leave your homeland (yikes!), your family (double yikes!) and all your possessions (No! I can't live without my weaving loom!) because he was going to be the father of many nations, having descendants as numerous as the grains of sand. Ummm...helllooo...did you forget a MINOR point? How am I supposed to conceive if I'm BARREN?!?!
But you decide to be a good, obedient wife and follow your hubby on a trek across the country, to begin what will be YEARS of wandering, living like nomads. I think I'd have a REALLY hard time not complaining about that one...when are we going to settle down so I can decorate the house, invite the neighbors over for dinner, and really put down roots? Not for many years to come, sweetie, sorry.
Then they get to this new land, where there is a powerful ruling pharaoh. Abram guesses what's coming. He's not stupid. He knows he married a beauty pageant for a wife and once Pharaoh lays eyes on her, he's dead. So he does what any noble, brave, sensible man would do: he lies to save his own hide. "She's my sister," he tells Pharoah. Well, in that case, Pharaoh plays the benevolent ruler and takes her under his wing, adopting her as another one of his wives and lavishing her with the luxuries of palace life. Any other woman would kill for such an honorable position.
Now, if I were Sarai, I would be thinking, "What the heck, Abram?!?! Did you really just hand me off to this guy without even putting up a fight? Did you really just lie to save yourself? What about that whole covenant of marriage thing, promising to be there in good times and bad?" I think I would have some serious trust and betrayal issues with my husband after that one.
But after getting over the shock of being traded in by her own husband, I can't help but think Sarai secretly enjoyed palace life. Who wouldn't?!?! The best comparison I can think of is living at Lake Austin Spa full-time, with staff members waiting on me hand and foot. Schedule for today: heated rock massage at 10am, poolside lunch at noon, yoga and personal training at 2pm, hot tub and sauna at 4pm, formal seated dinner with the pharaoh at 6pm. I think I could handle that. And even though this guy was a total stranger, after being abandoned by my husband, wouldn't I feel the least bit justified in enjoying my new posh palatial lifestyle? Don't I DESERVE this after all I've been through???
But the life and luxury at the palace didn't last long. Bad things started happening to pharaoh and he figured out there must be some kind of curse on him. He confronted Abram and demanded to know the truth. Yes, Sarai was really his wife, not his sister.
So the palatial princess was suddenly banished from the palace and sent packing with her groveling husband, who was still saying that he was supposed to be the father of many nations. But for now, they had to keep moving, keep wandering the land like nomads. At that point, I think I would really struggle with living with this guy. He'd already lost my trust. And now, after enjoying the delicacies and pamperings of the palace, here I was, back to the harsh life of a nomad, living in a tent, eating scorptions and cactus, with no massage or personal training appointments. I would TOTALLY have a bad attitude and be complaining, secretly thinking I DESERVED more.
Well, that's where the reading ends for today.
But you and I know how the story ends. We know that Sarai, who now has little trust in Abram or God, decides to take matters into her own hands and give her maidservant, Haggai, to Abram to get pregnant. Surely that's what God meant when he said Abram would become the father of many nations, right? It made sense to Sarai. Who doesn't want to take control of things when it appears that no one else is in charge?
But God was STILL faithful to Sarai. He didn't say, "Sarai, since you failed to trust me and wait for me to allow you to get pregnant in MY timing, I am no longer going to bless you." Nope. He still allowed her to get pregnant. Despite her impatience, her mistrust and her own sin, God still chose to bless her. She still become the mother of many nations.
What I learn from Sarai in all of this is that, like her, I am tempted to question my husband's decisions and try to take matters into my own hands. I question whether it's really God leading him or just his own fleshly self calling the shots. I know that like myself, he is sinful and makes mistakes. Knowing that, it's hard to submit, hard to allow him to be the leader of our family.
But after reading the story of Sarai and Abram, I realize that God chose to work through Abram and Sarai DESPITE their sin, lack of trust and failures. And my husband isn't trying to give me away to some stranger in order to save his life (although if he WERE to do that, PLEASE choose the manager of Lake Austin Spa, oh yea, baby!!!).
I realize that, even though my husband, like myself, is a fallible, imperfect human being who will make mistakes, who will cause me to question him, to be disappointed, to be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, etc...despite all of that, I am learning that I can TRUST GOD to lead me THROUGH my husband. I can trust that GOD will be faithful to his word, even when my husband is not. I can relinquish my need to control outcomes when I don't think my husband is doing it right because ultimately, God's purposes are going to come about whether my husband and I are being "good" or not. Once again, it's not about our goodness at all. It's about God's faithfulness. And He NEVER changes, never lets us down, never fails us, never abandons us. What good news this is!
Let us cling to the ROCK that is higher than ourselves by allowing our husbands to lead us in marriage and in life because we know that our God is FAITHFUL to bring about His purposes despite our own shortcomings.
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