Loving My Husband Well

I've been challenged lately to think first of my role as wife before mother. For some reason, it comes more natural for me to think of my children before myself. When they're sick, I get up in the middle of the night and tend to their needs, often without much grumbling and complaining. But when my hubby is sick, do I tend to his needs without grumbling or complaining, or do I think to myself "suck it up" and "I'm tired, too, so too bad." I admit, it just doesn't come as naturally to put his needs before my own. But lately, that's exactly what I am learning to do through studying God's word. I believe God calls us as married women and mothers to be WIVES first and mothers second. We are "one flesh" with our husbands and called to love, serve, submit to and respect them. It's easy to love my children, even on a day when I'm tired and irritable. It's not as easy to love my husband well on those days. I've been challenged by the well-known 1 Corinthians 13 text on love in this way: Love is patient. Am I patient when my hubby is driving and allow him to go the way he wants to (even if it might be longer) or do I jump to criticize and direct him? Love is kind. Am I kind to my husband, even when I am tired, irritable, sick, or just having a bad day? Love does not envy. Do I envy his opportunity to go to work all day (even though I know his job is not easy by any means) or am I thankful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and be the primary influence on my kids, with the hopes that they will know Jesus and share his love with others. Love does not boast. Do I boast in my own works when he gets home by telling him what errands I ran for him that day, what chores I did around the house, how hard the meal was that I prepared for him, or do I keep quiet and allow the acts themselves to bless him? Love is not proud. Am I willing to apologize first, even when I feel wronged? Love does not dishonor others. Do I lift up my husband in the eyes of my family, my friends and acquaintances, or do I belittle him with my words? Love is not self-seeking. Do I think of my own needs first and expect him to help with the kids as soon as he gets home from work or do I think of his needs, ask about his day, and seek ways to serve him? Love is not easily angered. Do I jump to anger and defensiveness when my husband offers a suggestion, especially in regards to the kids, or do I respect his opinion and listen without feeling judged? Love keeps no record of wrongs. Do I mentally keep score in my head of all the ways my husband isn't helping out around the house or do I focus on ways to serve him in areas he might not expect and surprise him with random acts of service? Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I deliberately or passively encourage my husband to sin in any area of his life, or do I pray for him, speak scripture to him, and edify him with my words and actions? Love always protects. Do I seek to protect him in the eyes of my family, friends, and even our children, or do I tear him down with my words or actions? Love always trusts. Do I trust him, even when my heart is questionning whether he is doing the right thing, or do I give it to the Lord in prayer and humbly submit as a loving wife and follow his lead? Love always hopes. Am I hopeful in who he is becoming, as a man of God, or do I focus on the sinful aspects and forget that God is doing a good work in him and will perfect it until completion? Love always perserveres. Do I perservere in prayer for him, faithfulness to him, service to him, encouragement to him, and love for him, or am I quick to throw in the towel and not believe that God is doing a great and mighty work in my husband? As I said...1 Corinthians 13 has shed new light on what it means to love my husband well. Thank you, Lord, that your Word is living and active and constantly brings new and wonderful insights to every area of my life!

Extra Grace Required Week

I should've known as soon as I opened my mouth to a good friend and said, "You know, I think my son (who's almost 2) might actually be over the hump of defiance." It was a good week. He'd been super obedient. No fights over toys with his buddies. No tantrums when it was time to come inside. No hitting or tugging on his little sister. A SUPER week! But I'm learning that doesn't mean much in toddler time. Because this week...he has been an all out terror. Grabbing breakable things off the counter, pulling everything out of the pantry, pushing and hitting other kids, and today's latest...as I was frantically trying to get out the door to make it to my Wednesday morning Bible study (how ironic)...he proceeded to dump my freshly made hot cup of coffee onto the living room rug. I just about unleashed on him...then went off to study the Bible with a bunch of godly women. Ha! I'm taken aback by how different this week is from last week. Perhaps he's tired? Not feeling well? Not getting enough attention from me? Who knows. All I know is, this is an extra grace required week. It's hard for me not to get angry at him when he acts like this. It's hard to not take it out on him, either outwardly, by snapping at him, or passive aggressively, by giving him the silent treatment. This comes at an interesting time, when I've been reading through the Sermon on the Mount and see how Jesus challenges the crowd by saying, "You know that the Law says 'Do not murder', but I say, 'If anyone is angry towards his brother, he is committing murder in his heart.'" Do you hear how high of a standard that is? Jesus is saying that not only should we not murder, but that we should not be angry at anyone. And when we are angry towards someone, we are committing murder in our heart against them. Ouch. So basically, I am guilty of committing murder in my heart towards my own son. Yikes. But what a crazy, impossible standard! Who could live up to that? Who doesn't get angry? Even someone like Mother Teresa, as amazing as she was, was surely angry at "her brother" at some point in her life. So even she is guilty of committing murder in her heart? YES! So how can we ever live up to this standard? We CAN'T! And that's exactly the point. It's impossible. That's what Jesus was telling people, especially the Pharisees, the extremely religious ones, who thought they were "good enough" to get to God. He's challenging them to realize that even their best intentions are laced with evil motives. Even when we don't say what we're thinking, we feel things that are not pleasing to God, that are in direct opposition to God. Jesus was showing them (and us!) that it is flat out IMPOSSIBLE to be good enough to earn out way to God. Our hearts are full of malice and evil. Without Jesus, we are not God-honoring. We cannot please God. Only through the blood of Christ, only by His redeeming work on the cross, can we be made righteous and be acceptable to God. Jesus makes us acceptable. Jesus makes us clean. Jesus makes us righteous. So I am reminded this week...as my toddler tests me over and over again and my natural tendency is to react in anger...I will try to remember what Jesus did for me. I will try to remember that He bled and died on the cross, taking my place, being a perfect man and a perfect God, living a perfect life - something that I could never do - to provide a way for me to be in relationship with God, since I could never do it on my own. It is an opportunity to worship, to thank Jesus for saving me from my sin, to thank God for loving me despite of myself, to thank Him for being my Savior and remembering that I am nothing without Him!

The Offense of the Gospel

Still reading Tim Keller's book, "King's Cross" and still can't say it better than him... "The gospel of Jesus Christ is an offense to both religion and irreligion. The moralist says 'the good people are in and the bad people are out - and of course, we're the good ones.' The self-discovery person says, 'oh no, the progressive, open-minded people are in and the judgmental bigots are out - and of course, we're the open-minded ones.' We disdain those religious, moralistic types who look down on others. Do you see the irony, how the way of self-discovery leads to as much superiority and self-righteousness as religion does? The gospel does not say 'the good are in and the bad are out' nor 'the open-minded are in and the judgmental are out.' The gospel says the humble are in and the proud are out. The gospel says the people who know they're NOT better, NOT more open-minded, NOT more moral than anyone else, are in, and the people who think they're on the right side of the divide are in danger. Jesus himself said this to the Pharisees earlier when he told them, 'It is not the healthy who ned a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.' (Mark 2:15-17). Jesus is teaching that he has come to call sinners: those who know they are morally and spiritually unable to save themselves." What good news the gospel is! It's not religion at all (because isn't religion just advice?), but it is truly NEWS, good news, that Jesus died for us to do the work we could never do, live a life we could never live, and die a death we could never die. Hallelujah!

Resting in the Gospel

I can't say it better than Tim Keller, so I will just quote directly from his book, "King's Cross": "Most of us work and work trying to prove ourselves, to convince God, others and ourselves that we're good people. That work is never over unless we rest in the gospel...on the cross Jesus was saying of the work underneath your work - the thing that makes you truly weary, this need to prove yourself because who you are and what you do are never good enough - that it is finished. He has lived the life you should have lived, he has died the death you should have died. If you rely on Jesus's finished work, you know that God is satisfied with you. You can be satisfied with life. Physicians will tell you that it is not merely fitful naps that you need, but deep sleep. You can take all the vacations in the world, but if you don't have the deep rest of the soul, resting in what Jesus did on the cross, you will not truly rest. On the cross Jesus experienced the restlessness of separation from God so that we can have the deep rest of knowing that he loves us and our sins have been forgiven." Lord, help me not to seek the temporary, unfulfilling rest of the world and all that it offers and entices, but may I seek the deeply soul-satisfying rest that Jesus offers, the good news of the gospel, the fact that we could never be good enough, so Jesus took care of it for us on the cross. Let me live in this beautiful truth daily!

Love and Logic

So I'm doing a parenting seminar based on the book "Love and Logic" and really enjoying it. I don't necessarily agree with all of their methodology, but one teaching tool I really like is the idea of using empathy when disciplining children. Instead of reacting in anger or jumping straight to a consequence, try to emphathize with the child by saying something like, "Oh, that's too bad..." or "What a bummer!" or "That's so sad..." when then disobey, then follow up with a consequence. That way, you are showing the child you feel for them and are truly sad that they disobeyed and you have to follow through with a consequence. It takes the pressure off of you being the bad guy and puts the responsibility on them - you are sad that they made that choice and you can feel that sadness with them. I love this idea! A helpful tip for whining or arguing: Love and Logic says to "go brain dead" - don't get mad or frustrated - and make sure that you are not physically displaying this to your child (no furrowing brow, no gritting teeth, no vein popping out in the forehead), but instead, go brain dead by remaining calm, collected and quiet, then respond with one simple phrase like "I love you too much to argue" or "I know" or "Hmmmm...." and continue repeating it when they whine or argue. Don't try to argue back or rationalize with them because usually, they will find a way to push our buttons and win the argument. Just keep repeating the same phrase over and over and make sure you remain calm. Eventually, they will get that you're not going to budge and give in to their whining or arguing. Love having this tool in my toolbox!!! One of my favorite phrases from the seminar was the following: "When we do the right thing with challenging kids, it will almost always look and feel like the wrong thing in the short term." I had no idea how often my child would test my limits and throw tantrums to try to get his way. When he does that, I immediately question myself and ask "Am I doing something wrong?" But I am realizing that when he reacts that way, he is reacting to the limits set and over time....he WILL accept them! One image they gave that stuck in my mind...do you want to be the type of parent who is depositing money in the bank early on, consistently, even when it's painful and inconvenient (discipling and following through consistently) so that you can reap rewards in the future...or do you want to be the type of parent who is swiping the credit card left and right because it feels good (doing whatever makes the child happy and giving in because it's too hard) yet in the end, you will be paying HIGH INTEREST (destructive and disrespectful teenagers). I don't know about you, but I sure want to start sacking away the painful deposits now and disciplining even when it's hard, uncomfortable, and inconvenient so that I can enjoy the rewards of raising a child who is a respectful, obedient person. Go Love and Logic!

A Praying Life

So I'm reading through "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller for the second time and LOVING it. This is a book that makes you want to PRAY. I'll read through one chapter and want to stop and PRAY. How great is that? So pick it up if you want to improve your prayer life (and feel like you're actually doing something, even though God's doing the work!). What I'm loving most is the section on prayer cards. As leery as I am about making a mechanical system of prayer, I realize I NEED a system or I won't pray. It just won't happen. Through his encouragement of prayer cards, a system is created that makes praying easy and achievable. I write a person's name on the card, include a verse of Scripture that I feel like applies to that person's needs, add a few key words to help remind me what to pray, and voila, I have a prayer card for that person that I can stick in my car and pray through when I'm sitting at a stoplight or in traffic. More than anything...this book reminds me of the power of prayer and the utter dependence we must have on God throughout our life. It reminds me that I have to release control to the Lord and seek Him for answers, whether they be positive or negative responses to my prayers. It reminds me that He is in control, I am not, and He knows best. It reminds me that He cares about the details of my life and wants me to present "everything in prayer and petition" and "never cease praying." Pick up "A Praying Life" if you haven't and start creating those prayer cards...there is such power in prayer! And it SO good for my soul to not have to try to carry the burden myself, but present it to the Lord and know that He hears me. Now get to praying! :)