New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again. A new year has arrived with the promise of new hopes, challenges and unknowns. Most of us mentally prepare a list of things we want to accomplish or change about ourselves in the new year. It's a time to start fresh, with a clean slate, and begin again.

My list has been pretty much the same every year: eat healthier, exercise more, read more, pray more, watch less TV, gossip less, complain less, cuss less, drive better.

This year, I even added a few new ones: savor my time with Marshall before Baby 2 comes, organize closets to prepare for Baby 2, get to know other moms in the neighborhood better, and develop a gentle and quiet spirit (along the lines of no cussing, gossipping or complaining).

When I shared these resolutions with my smart, entrepreneurial business owner of a husband, he reminded me that when setting goals, they need to be measureable. He said none of those I mentioned were measurable. How, for example, can you measure a gentle and quiet spirit at the end of the year? Dang it.

So I admit, I'm not the greatest goal setter, especially when it means quantifying things. It feels too restrictive, too cumbersome, too performance-based. I want the freedom to "eat healthier" but splurge every now and then, to "exercise more" but take a few days off. So I'm never sure how to set measurable goals without allowing for some freedom and grace. That's probably a blog post in itself.

But there is one goal that I DO want to make measurable this year: spend time EVERY DAY in God's word. Why? Because I believe it is our main source of power, hope, joy, and fulfillment. Without it, we begin to shrivel. We are less able to be the unique individual God created us to be.

What's exciting is the way I'm going to hold myself accountable to this goal: through a group of blogging friends that want to do the same thing! We are going to read through the Bible in a year. Not only that, we are going to use a book by Larry Crabb, called "66 Love Letters", to help us get a better overview of each book of the Bible. Using the blog website, we will share insights from what we are learning with each other, questions, comments, or frustrations. Basically, we are there to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to read God's word everyday and learn from it.

I've already read the prologue from Larry Crabb's book. It's getting me PUMPED about starting my very first measurable new year's resolution! He talks about how the Bible is God's story. That through each of the 66 books of the Bible, He weaves an amazing story of His pursuit, love, redemption and grace for mankind. Every single book is necessary, even the tedious, boring ones like Leviticus and Numbers. He provides an overview that helps you understand God's story in each book.

What I love, more than anything, is how he says that we often, as Christians, get caught up in our own story. Our own house, family, jobs, day to day lives, etc. While that's nice and all, there is a story that is SO much greater, SO much richer, more fulfilling and more full of joy. It's God's story for our lives. And the only way to understand that story is to read it, to spend time in God's word, to pray that God would give us the understanding and insight into His story for our lives. Instead of seeking ways to fit God into our own life, we should be seeking how our life fits into God's story. Isn't that exciting???

Here's a favorite quote of mine from his prologue: "The Bible is a love story that begins with a divorce. Everything from the third chapter of Genesis through the end of Revelation is the story of a betrayed lover wooing us back into His arms so we can enjoy the love of family forever."

I can't wait to get started! And I promise to share insights along the way.

My prayer for each of us today is that as we set New Year's resolutions and begin a new year, with a fresh slate and a new beginning, is that we would seek to understand how our life fits into God's story, rather than how God fits into our life. By spending time in God's word each and every day, I believe we can understand that greater story more fully. Won't you join me in setting a goal for this new year to spend every day, at least a few minutes, reading the true source of power, fulfillment and joy for our lives? Come join me!

Getting into the Christmas Spirit

As usual, every year when Christmas rolls around, I'm caught off-guard by how busy the season is. I forget that I always wait too long to get my Christmas shopping done. I forget how quickly my calendar gets booked with Christmas parties and events (all fun things, of course, but hectic, especially now that we have to plan ahead for a babysitter!). I forget the stress of trying to work out travel dates and plans with both of our families for the holidays (thankfully, we treasure time with all of them, so the stress lies more in the planning for how we can make it possible to see everyone!).

What I forget, more than anything, is the real meaning of Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, when December approaches, I try to get in the mood by turning on classical Christmas music. I try to bake more. I try to enjoy warm, fun drinks, like spiced tea or mocha peppermint lattes from Starbucks. I try to enjoy the process of putting up Christmas decorations and wrapping presents. I try to watch my favorite Christmas shows, like the claymation version of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer (I know, I need to enjoy the classics, but I just LOVE the animated claymation movies!).

Yet all of these things only give a hint of why we celebrate this season.

I've begun to realize that the best way I can reflect on the meaning of Christmas is by spending time in God's word. Through meditation, reflection and prayer, I can ask the Lord to remind me of what the precious gift of His Son really means to all of humanity.

Normally, I go to typical Christmas passages, like Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Or I read the Christmas story from one of the gospels, which begins: "She shall bring forth a son, and thou shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins."

But this year, God led me to less traditional Christmas passages, that didn't focus on HOW Jesus was born, but WHY Jesus was born.

Colossians 1:13 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Colossians 1:21-22 says, "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."

So WHY was Jesus born?

To RESCUE us from the dominion of darkness. To RECONCILE us to God. TO REDEEM us. To FORGIVE us.

WHY was this necessary?

Because we were ALIENATED from God. We were living in the dominion of DARKNESS. We were ENEMIES of God because of our minds and our EVIL behavior.

What do we receive in return for His payment on the cross?

We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blemish. FREE from accusation.

Now THIS is the true reason to celebrate Christmas.

I pray that this Christmas, we would look beyond the gifts, beyond the lights, beyond the decorations and baked goods and parties and shopping and families. I pray that we would reflect on the fact that there is NOTHING greater than celebrating the birth of Our Savior, who came to earth to REDEEM us, to RECONCILE us, and to FORGIVE us, so that we can be presented HOLY, WITHOUT blemish, and FREE from accusation. What a truly wonderful reason to celebrate!

I've Become a Fan of 19 Kids and Counting

So this blog post has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. But since Marshall has been napping well lately, I've had a little more down time (yippee!) and once I finished wrapping presents, baking cookies and decorating the house, for the past few days I've been able to slow down and enjoy a little down time.

During those wonderful quiet moments (I'm trying to cherish them now before Baby 2 comes!!!), one of my favorite things to do (after Bible study, of course!) is to watch one of my favorite shows. Lately I've been into Giada at Home. I am picky about my cooking shows, but there is something so elegant, peaceful and soothing about watching her cook. Her food, her demeanor, her entire presentation is so calming. I'm not much of a cook, preferring to buy pre-ordered and pre-prepackaged Dream Dinners over making my own, but I enjoy learning from her, even if I won't ever put it into practice.

And of course, there are a few trashy reality shows that I enjoy, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Kourtney ROCKS!) and Kendra (I love how she keeps it real!). My hubby just rolls his eyes when he sees me watching those shows. I don't think his Simpsons show is much better. Come on.

But one of my favorite shows, which is a bit more uplifting than my reality junk and even Giada's cooking is 19 Kids and Counting, the story of the Duggar family. I have officially become a fan.

Now, let me just say, like many critics of 19 Kids and Counting (the family gets bashed by the press a LOT!), I had a similar first impression when I started watching the show: they seem like a group of fundamentalist, backwards, homeschooled, unattractive and socially awkward kids with overly protective parents who aren't living in reality. They are very open about being Christians and at first, it made me cringe to think that as a Christian myself, I could be associated with them. But...I kept watching.

The first thing that won me over me was the love, tenderness and laughter shared between the parents, Jim and Michelle. Unlike reality shows I'd watched in the past with multiple kids (like Jon and Kate Plus 8 before they split!), there was no harshness, criticism, back biting or nagging. Instead, they were a team. They encouraged and supported one another. They jumped in where they saw a need and served. There was no complaining, no mean-spirited arguing, no selfishness that is so common in marriage, especially the ones portrayed on TV. And yes, I get that this is reality TV and perhaps they are just "acting." But raising 19 kids under one roof, whether you're surrounded by a team of cameramen or not is gonna bring out the worst in you at some point. And the "worst" in the Duggar family is still so amazingly humble and Christ-like.

More than anything, I see Jesus in every single one of them. I see how precious their family meals are together, how they celebrate each and every birthday like it's the most special day in the world (even though they have 19 to celebrate every year!), I see how the parents set aside 1 on 1 time with each child to make sure they get quality time with mom and dad. I see their family devotional times together, reading the Bible and praying, and it's not a rote, forced and boring thing, but an enjoyable, celebratory time to come together as a family and seek the Lord.

I'm especially amazed by the gentle and quiet spirit of Michelle Duggar, the mom. She's been through a lot. She'd had 19 children by NATURAL childbirth (no Epidural for her...wow!). She had preclempsia with 1 baby, causing her to be bed-ridden at 20 something weeks, with 15 other children to raise. Recently, her 19th baby, Josie, had to be delivered at 25 weeks. She had to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and stay with Josie at the hospital for 7 months while her husband, Jim Bob, took care of the kids back home (after they temporarily stayed in a guest house for a couple of months as a whole family). She had gall stones right AFTER all of the drama with Josie. She even admitted on TV that the pain was worse than labor. WOW! And yet, through all of these trials, I never once saw her get bitter or complain. Sure, it was hard and she wasn't trying to hide her weakness or struggles. But her dependence on the Lord was so steadfast and sure that she wasn't shaken by the challenges that came her way. I SO want that kind of faith and perserverance!

Even the little things, like the strict dress code they enforce (the girls wear long skirts and the boys wear long pants, no shorts or sleevess tops allowed for any of them!) no longer annoy me as much as it did at the beginning. At first, I thought perhaps they were judgmental about it, thinking others who didn't dress like they did were going to hell or something. But they've talked about their views and that's not it at all. It's only that they want to prevent their boys from stumbling and present their girls in a way they believe is God-honoring to their bodies, rather than sex symbols. And while I don't necessarily believe that wearing shorts or sleeveless tops is a bad thing, I can respect them for wanting to encourage purity and beauty, without showing skin. They do the same with TV, movies, magazines, books and the internet. Michelle has said, "We don't want garbage in their mouth, so why put it in their minds?" Kudos to her!

So if you haven't ever watched the show, I encourage you to give it a chance. And don't write them off after just 1 episode. Yes, they're a little socially awkward and not the most attractive or dynamic personalities that you're used to seeing on TV. But it's evident they love each other and they love Jesus. And as a mom, who's about to be expecting her second, it's so encouraging to see how this family does it, with 19 kids, loving each other well, depending on the Lord in all that they do. If Michelle and Jim Bob can raise 19 children, surely I can handle 2! And more than anything, I want others to notice the same thing in our family...Jesus. In our marriage, in our children, in our interactions, in our struggles, in our everyday lives, may Jesus receive praise, glory and honor!

Having 2 under 2...and SO thankful for God's grace!

Thrilled. Excited. Shocked. Nervous. Nauseous. Tired. Cranky. But ultimately, THANKFUL.

Yes, we are pregnant with Baby #2. Yes, that means we'll have 2 under 2. And nope...we didn't waste any time!

My main question is: CAN WE HANDLE THIS??!?!

I'm currently not getting much sleep as it is because our 11 month old likes to wake up at the crack of down every morning (around 5:30!). I'll thank my early rising hubby for passing along that gene (my friends and family know that DEFINITELY didn't come from me, someone who misses her Saturday morning sleep-ins 'til noon!). And when we travel, Marshall still wakes up several times a night. So these days I've been wondering...can I really handle another one!??!

Parents of two or more keep reassuring me that by the time Baby 2 is here, Marshall will be in a more consistent and manageable routine. Please, Lord, let that be the case! Most of y'all know what I'm like with little sleep...BEWARE!

Despite the chaos and sleep challenges that lie ahead...I am SO thankful. Thankful that Marshall gets to have a playmate so close in age. Thankful for the opportunity to learn how to be even LESS selfish with my time and expectations. But thankful, most of all, for this precious life inside me, when a few years ago, we weren't sure if that would ever be a possibility.

It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with Marshall. Like most women who walk down the infertility road, I struggled with a range of emotions. At first, it was no real surprise (since I knew things like hypothyroidism and an erratic cycle meant that pregnancy might be a challenge). As the months went by and friend after friend got pregnant with what seemed to me like such EASE, I began to grieve. That grief, at times, came out as jealousy. Jealousy of others getting what I so desperately wanted. (And just so you know...I wasn't the type who was eager to be a mom. But it was like one day, my internal clock went off and suddenly, I was ready! Then once I realized I might not be able to get pregnant, that made me want it even more. You know, the grass is greener mentality).

On most days, I tried to avoid thinking about it. But it seemed like everywhere I went, there were babies. Babies in strollers, babies in grocery carts, babies in Bjorns, babies in car seats, babies on mom's hip, movie stars having babies, family members having babies, friends having babies, TV commercials with babies. I couldn't get away from it.

I remember one day, I was in an exceptionally irritable mood (I'd like to attribute that to the fertility drugs I was on at the time, but I have a feeling it was just my own darn sinful nature). I felt angry at my body for not being "normal" and not being able to "perform" like every other female (or so it seemed!), so I figured I might as well be useful and do some nice, hard physical labor. In my anger, I went outside, on what was a crisp, fall afternoon, and began raking and bagging leaves. I went at it for atleast 4 hours. By the end, I had raked SEVENTEEN bags of leaves. And by bags, I mean those big, tall, Home Depot kind. So take that, you infertile body, you! Of course, I could barely walk, bend over or sit for the next 4 days. My husband sure didn't mind the yard work help, though!

While it seemed like forever in my mind, it was really only a few months after I started fertility treatments that I learned I was pregnant (I know many women have a MUCH longer road than I did). My first response was to fall down on my knees and thank God. I knew I didn't DESERVE this. I knew He didn't OWE me this. I knew I had been such a brat. Demanding my wants. Telling him MY timeline and what I thought was best for me. Deep down, I had actually feared that because of my "bad behavior" and "bad attitude," He would never let me get pregnant. I thought that until I became more "godly" in the midst of my struggle, He would never grant me my heart's desire.

What a lesson of grace. It was purely by God's love and undeserved mercy that I got pregnant. He saw my yuck. He saw my bratty attitude. He saw my heart. But He didn't turn away from me. He didn't say, "Well, SHE definitely doesn't deserve this." Instead, He chose to lavish me with love and bless me with a precious little boy that I DON'T deserve.

What I learned from that was...I so easily tend to believe that God responds to me based on how good I am. That He loves me based on how well I am DOING. That He will listen to my prayers, He will reward me, and He will bless me, as long as I am being a good person and doing the right things in His eyes. What's so comical about that is that even when I think I'm being a good person, my heart has impure motives. Pride. Judgement. Selfishness. Whatever it is, there is always an impure motive lurking deep within. It's part of being human. No matter how hard we try, we can NEVER really be wholly and purely "good." We can never reach that standard of perfection. We will always fall short, thanks to that darn sinful nature that's been around since The Fall.

But that's what makes GRACE that much more beautiful. Jesus paid the price we could never pay, Jesus died the death we could never die, Jesus forgave us, redeemed us, and brought us back to the fold of God. And that is something we could NEVER earn by our own doing.

So as we experience another season of Christmas and we celebrate the precious, holy birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray that we would be mindful of God's grace in our lives. I pray that you would know the deep, abounding love of our Father, who does not ignore us, who does not withold blessings until we are "good enough" but rather, wants to LAVISH us with love, joy, laughter and blessings because He DELIGHTS in us, because He CHERISHES us, because He LOVES us more deeply than we could ever dare to hope or imagine. And it's not because of anything we deserve or have earned, it's not by our own merit at all, but purely because of His amazing, awe-inspiring, and undeserving grace.

And for me...that grace is what is going to get me through each and every day, as I take care of 2 little ones under 2 come June. woo hoo!

Merry Christmas!

The Secret to Contentment

We spent a beautiful weekend at our family's ranch for Thanksgiving. The weather was spectacular. After driving up Wednesday afternoon, in 80 degree sunshine, we awoke the next morning just as a cold front began to sweep in, bringing temperatures down into the 20's! For me, who gets a little tired of the Texas heat, I was thrilled by the brisk chill in the air. We bundled up and drove around in the mule (an offroad version of a golf cart) to explore the countryside. For the entire weekend, the sunsets were spectacular. The food was delicious (my favorite, as always, is my mom's cornbread dressing!). Even the deer seemed extra playful, romping about to keep warm while grazing at the corn feeder, in perfect view from the back porch.

The only thing I would have changed was the amount of sleep we got. As usual, when we travel, our son (who is now 10 and a half months old), wakes up numerous times throughout the night. Unlike at home, where we can let him cry for awhile until he falls back asleep on his own, at the ranch house, where all five bedrooms are occupied with family members, we have to be sensitive to waking others up. So when Marshall cries, we get up and give him a bottle or try soothing him back to sleep. Unfortunately, he's discovered how this works and uses it to his advantage. By the third night, he had us up four or five times a night and wouldn't let us put him back down in the pack n play without a fight. It was exhausting. By that time, I admit, I was beyond the point of frustration and just plain angry. Angry at the fact that we weren't getting sleep. Angry at how I was going to feel the next day. Angry at having to deal with this every time we travel. Angry because I thought that by this age, our son would be past the wake up in the middle of the night routine. As always, my tendency in those moments is to let out a string of expletives, just to make me feel better. I know, not the most attractive character quality. My husband hates it (he doesn't resort to cursing, like I do!). But it's hard for me in those moments, when I look at the clock and realize it's only 3am, and I've already been up four times and I'm just counting the hours until morning when everyone is up and I can begin to look forward to putting him down for his first nap. At that point, of course, time moves at a snail's pace.

Some moms would probably suggest putting travel on hold or staying in a hotel until Marshall is sleeping better. But for me, family time, being all together in one house, is too special to pass up. So many memories are created every time we are together. So yes, we will be exhausted and a bit cranky. But to us, it's worth it. What I decided to figure out, instead, was how to change my expectations in order to cope in the midst of those exhausting nights (usually by 5am with a few cups of coffee, I could perk up).

When we got home from the ranch, I spent some time in God's word, looking for guidance. God led me to Philippians 4:11-13, which says: "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

To grasp the power of this verse, I think it's helpful to look at the life of the author. Paul, before encountering Jesus, was a highly influential and prestigious Jewish teacher and leader in the community. He ran in a circle of the most elite and educated men of his day. He had power and prestige. When he spoke, people listened. But on the road to Damascus, when he was blinded by a light and encountered Jesus, his life was radically changed. As he began to preach a message of repentance, forgiveness and salvation through Jesus alone, men who once admired him wanted him killed. Instead of receiving fame and glory, he was mocked and scorned. Some thought he had gone insane. In addition to the emotional loss of his reputation, he endured physical suffering. He was beaten, flogged, whipped, jailed, shipwrecked, bitten by a poisonous snake, and endured MANY a sleepless night.

So how can he, of all people, say that he has learned to be content in WHATEVER circumstances?

I believe the answer is in verse 13, which says, "I can do all this through HIM who gives me strength."

Before encountering Jesus, Paul did everything in his own strength. His education, position and reputation were all earned by his own efforts. He followed the Law as closely as anyone could follow it. If anyone had a right to do so, he could pat himself on the back and say, "I earned all of this! Look at me!"

But when he became a follower of Jesus, his world was turned upside down. It was no longer about who he was or what he could show for himself. The focus was no longer on what he did, but what Jesus did for us. Paul preached a message that admitted utter weakness in himself and in all of humanity: that Christ came to die a death and pay a price that we could never pay, that Christ offers reconciliation between God and man, something that we can never earn, that Christ alone should receive glory, honor, and praise because He alone is God.

Knowing Paul's story helps me to put my own circumstances into perspective. It is not by pulling up my bootstraps and willing myself to be happy, positive and content, that I will be able to get through tough times. That's what any self-help book will tell you. YOU can do it. Just do x, y, and z. That's not what Paul or Jesus is saying. Quite the opposite. It is only from a position of complete weakness and humility can we find true strength to endure hardship. By being willing to say, "I can't do this, Lord. I am weak and have nothing without You," is when true strength comes. It is letting go of trying to control outcomes and allowing Jesus to be fully sovereign over every detail of our lives. I know, easier said than done. But when we come to God in weakness, that's when we find strength. That's when we find true contentment.

So my prayer today is that we would become weak, poor and needy before God, that we would be willing to say, "I can't do this, Lord, but You can. I release all control, all anxiety, fear, anger, and frustration to You and entrust You to take care of this for me," that we would truly believe that God's "power is made perfect in weakness." I pray that we would learn, just as Paul learned, that the secret of being content is not by finding strength in ourselves, but in Jesus. When I am able to do that, I believe I will truly find contentment, even when my little one keeps me up all hours of the night!

Thankful for Truth Speakers in my Life

As Thanksgiving approaches, I keep thinking about all of the things I am thankful for. This morning, one specific thing came to mind: girlfriends who speak truth in my life.

I have been blessed to be a part of a group of girlfriends who have been meeting for over 9 years. 9 years! I can't believe it's been that long! Originally, the group began as a Bible study. We covered a few different books of the Bible, but then, when we started a study of Revelations...oh goodness. We were in over our heads. I remember staying up late one night, all of us quite content with our large glasses of wine, sprawled out across the overstuffed couches, with confused faces asking, "Now, what do the 7 lamps represent again?" It was quite humorous. I'm sure the wine didn't help! At that point we realized, perhaps instead of having a Bible study every week (we were all already involved in other Bible studies at the time), we could make it an accountability group. A safe place where we could come and share our struggles, ask for prayer and receive godly advice.

Our husbands later joked that it should be called "friendship circle" because we no longer brought Bibles, but always had wine. ha! But in all seriousness, it was a place where we knew we would receive truth.

And when I say truth, I don't mean worldly advice. I don't mean the kind of advice that makes you feel right and justified, but deep down, you know something is not quite right. No, I mean Bible-centered advice. Advice that points me back to Jesus. Advice that reminds me I am a sinner in need of a Savior, someone who has to live by grace everyday of my life. And that kind of advice isn't always easy to hear.

For example, when I go to "friendship circle" each week, I know that if I am in a foul mood, if I'm frustrated with my husband, if I'm having a hard time loving a friend or family member, I know that when I share that frustration, the girls aren't just going to take my side and tell me how I'm totally normal and okay to feel those things and justified in the way that I reacted. Quite the contrary. They are going to point me back to the truth of God's word. They are going to confront me if I have sinned. They are going to remind me that I am called to love, even when someone has wronged me. That I am called to submit to my husband, even when I don't agree with him. That I am called to be kind, patient, and joyful, even when I don't feel like it. Why? Because Jesus is Lord of my life and he calls us to do so. And thankfully, it's not something I have to work up the energy to do on my own, but by submitting to Christ and allowing him to work through me, by admitting my weakness and need for Him, He gives me the ability to love, forgive, and submit, even when I don't want to.

So each week, when Wednesday night rolls around, I look forward to spending time with these girls. And because it's been years, we know each other quite well. We know our weaknesses and sinful tendencies, but we also know each other's strengths and giftedness and how to encourage each other to use them for the glory of God.

So today, I want to give thanks for these wonderful women who are truth speakers in my life. My prayer for you today is that you find truth speakers to share your life with and that you become a truth speaker yourself. Instead of "tickling each other's ears" with worldly feel-good advice that you can find almost anywhere these days, I want to challenge us to be people who point one another back to Jesus, back to the fact that we are sinners in need of a Savior who are living out a higher calling, a calling that calls us to love, forgive, and submit even when we don't feel like it. And as we do so, God receives all the glory!

Needing a Good Dose of Grace Today

Today I had one of my not-so-finest moments.

My sweet hubby has been on a number of business trips lately, so in his absence, he left me with a "to do" list. As a stay-at-home mom, I view my role not only as a mom who is taking care of our son, but as a supportive wife, who helps keep the house in order and serves my husband in any way I can, since he's a busy, working man that's bringing in the dough for our family. But I confess, there are often times when he gives me a list, that I grumble and complain. Especially when it includes tasks like in the case of today, contacting Blue Cross Blue Shield about a prescription reimbursement. Ugh. Not my idea of a fun way to spend my time.

When I called Blue Cross Blue Shield, as I expected, I was transferred four times before reaching the correct department. To make matters worse, every time I was transferred, I was asked for my Member ID through an automated system, which meant I had to say the number, there was no option to type it in or speak to a representative. After trying to slowly and clearly say the 10 digit number four times, I finally gave up and yelled, "Representative!" I was then transferred to a live person. The lady I reached proceeded to tell me that my Member ID was incorrect. It had 1 T, not 2 T's in it. Well, I explained, the past four people were able to look up my information with 2 T's, not 1. As we went on and on, I just got angrier and angrier. She wasn't the nicest lady, for sure, but that was probably no excuse for my escalating anger. By the end of the call, she told me she would transfer me to yet another departmentt, which lead to me letting out a few expletives under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear and I quickly added in my best sarcastic voice, "You've been so helpful." Okay, it definitely wasn't my finest moment. And I was a little embarrassed of my behavior a few minutes later, when the next lady I spoke with did, in fact, confirm that my Member ID only had 1 T, not 2. Oops.

What's so funny about this story is that just yesterday, Sunday morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading my Bible and spending a few moments with the Lord before we went to church. I heard Jim on the phone in his office talking to a credit card company about some charges on his bill that he did not make. The representative was apparently frustrating him, because as the conversation continued, I could hear him get louder and ruder. By the end of the call, he was practically yelling. During that whole conversation, I was praying, "Lord, please help Jim to have more patience and kindness with people, even if they are frustrating him." HA! How hilarous is that!

What all this reminded me of was how badly I am in need of a Savior and how deeply I need God's grace. As much as I may pray, go to church, read God's word, and get involved in Bible studies, that doesn't change the fact that I am a sinner desperately in need of God's grace. That every day, I screw up. Every day, I need to repent. Every day, I need a new, fresh dose of his loving, merciful, amazing grace.

It also reminded me how easy it is to point out the sin in someone else's life and yet fail to recognize the junk in my own heart. I was in a little bit of a "holier than thou" mentality as I sat and had my quiet time and prayed for Jim as he chewed out the rep on the phone. God knew what He was doing when this situation came up today. It reminded me that I am right there with Jim, no better no worse (and no better, no worse than anyone else, for that matter), but I am another sinful, impatient person who is quick to get angry. We are all desperately in need of a Savior, we all need forgiveness and God's grace! And the wonderful, beautiful good news is that it is by grace and grace alone that we have been saved! There's nothing WE can do to get to God, but He came down to us in the form of Jesus Christ. Thank God!

As a mom, there have already been many times when I've had hard days with Marshall. Whether he's fussy from teething, not napping well, or throwing his food all over the floor, on those days, it's hard to stay calm and composed. Those are the days when I have to cry out to God and say, "Lord, have mercy! I need your grace to get through this day!" But what a sweet reminder that can be...that in the midst of a trying day, we can remember that it's not through our own strength, but His, that we can respond in a gracious, loving way. And when we DO respond in a gracious, loving way, He gets the credit, not us. Isn't that wonderful how that works?

Even beyond that, it challenges me to remember that other people will have bad days and they might take it out on me. I used to work in a call center and I would get yelled at all the time. It's hard not to get angry back. But then, I have to remember, that I, too, have lost my temper and gotten angry, that I, too, am a sinner in need of God's grace. When I remember that, it quickly levels the playing field and reminds me I have no room to judge.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC, which speaks to our very core identity as human beings: "We are more sinful than we could ever imagine, but we are more loved than we could ever dare hope."

My prayer for you today is that you would be reminded of your sinfulness, not in a way that is defeating and devastating, but in a way that leads to deep gratitude for Jesus' death on the cross for you, that you would be reminded that you are a sinner saved by grace, that grace is a gift, and it is not by anything you have done that you are saved, but by God's grace and grace alone. What a wonderful reason to rejoice!

And next time...I pray that God would give me the grace to be nicer to the next BCBS rep I talk to on the phone!

Tapping into Divine Power

My theme verse for this week is from 2 Peter 1:3: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness."

There are so many rich insights to glean from this verse, but what I pondered this week was: how do I tap into that divine power? How can I be equipped for all of life's trials, struggles and frustrations and still respond in a loving, patient and godly way?

Well, the answer is there: "through our knowledge of Him."

But how do we know God? Well, I can think of several ways: through prayer, through worshipping in songs and hymns, through listening to a pastor teach from God's word, through listening to the wise counsel of godly friends. But above all, the main way we get to know God, the way that Jesus, the disciples, and the prophets remind us how He speaks directly to us, is through His word. The Holy Scriptures. The Bible. It's right there for us, available in almost every language today (thanks to Wycliffe Bible Translators and other awesome ministries!).

Sadly, how often do we NOT tap into this readily available resource? For me, honestly, it's a lot more often than I would like to admit. Since becoming a mom, it's been especially hard. Sleepless nights, loads of laundry and piles of toys to clean up all come before spending time in God's word. It's so hard to even focus sometimes. And I can tell, almost immediately, when I haven't been spending time in God's word. It's not that He punishes me or looks down on me. No, nothing like that. It's just that I am missing out. I feel powerless, helpless, and weak. I stop praying. I start depending on myself. I get cranky and defensive and argumentative and irritable. I turn to things like TV or magazines for comfort. But nothing really refreshes my soul. Finally, I usually come to a point where I realize what I've been doing. And that's when I confess it. That's what I had to do a few weeks ago, after 9 months (maybe more) of rarely opening God's word. I confessed my lack of desire to read the Bible and began to ask God to give me a renewed hunger and eagerness to spend time with Him and be in the word.

Well, He answered, almost immediately. God prompted me, through the encouragement of a few friends, to get involved in a women's Bible study that meets weekly. The study provides a curriculum with daily lessons to guide my time in God's word. The questions are simple, nothing mind-blowing. But what it has challenged me to do is get back into the habit of opening God's word DAILY. Even if it's just for 15 or 30 minutes. It is SO worth it.

And what has happened as a result? I have tapped into that "divine power that has given us everything we need for life and godliness." I can truly say, I immediately noticed a difference. I began to pray again, numerous times a day. In the car, while giving Marshall a bottle, on a walk, on the phone, in the middle of a difficult conversation, etc. I stopped depending on myself and turned to God for strength. I became more attune to my own sinful heart attitudes: pride, selfishness, anger, irritability, unwillingness to submit to my husband, jealousy, etc. But mostly, my soul has been refreshed. I feel satisfied, full of joy, content even in the midst of a stressful day when all Marshall wants to do is whine. Why? Because I've tapped into that divine power that equips me for EVERYTHING I need. It can't come from me. It has to come from above.

So I have to ask...have you tapped into that divine power? If not, you're missing out. As easy as it is to de-prioritize sitting down and opening God's word, even if it's just 15 minutes...I encourage you NOT to let it be set aside for another day. Because when we do tap into that divine power, when we taste the honey from His Scriptures and see that the Lord is good, there is nothing more satisfying.

A Spirit of Thanksgiving

It's not every morning that I wake up just bursting with thankfulness, but today was one of those mornings. Perhaps the cool, crisp air did it. Perhaps because it's Mother's Day Out and I get to have a few precious hours to myself. Who knows. But I can't resist the opportunity to list a few things I am oh so thankful for!

1. My family - this includes my immediate family, my extended family and my in-laws (yes, I LOVE my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law!). I look forward to spending time with my family. I enjoy getting to know each other better, in different life stages, as the years go by. I love how the dynamic keeps changing with the addition of more and more little ones each year. It's chaotic, but so much fun! I can't wait to celebrate the holiday season together!

2. My friends - I am so grateful to be surrounded by a community of close friends that are within walking distance from me. We get to see each other weekly, if not daily, depending on the week. Most of us are stay at home moms, so we meet up for playgroups, walks, park time and girls' night out on a regular basis. I don't think I'd survive being a SAHM without my precious friends. Yay for community!!!

3. My hubby - as cheesy as this sounds, he is truly my best friend and lifelong companion. I love when he comes home and we can share our day together. He downloads about work, I give him the latest on Marshall's hilarious antics. Occasionally, we even get an evening walk in before it's time for Marshall's bedtime routine.

4. Marshall - He keeps us laughing non-stop. Whether it's a new sound (ba-ba-ba, da-da-da, ma-ma-ma), a new move (climbing into the kitchen cabinet after dumping everything in it out on the floor), or a new discovery (pulling the entire roll of toilet paper off the roll, then ripping it to shreds), we are constantly giggling. He definitely keeps us young!

5. Halloween party - we hosted a kids' costume party for the neighbors and had a blast hanging out with all the young families. Relationships were built, fun was had and many more memories are promised for the future.

6. Beautiful fall weather - it is FINALLY here (hopefully, to stay!). I'm not much of a Texas summer fan, so I am LOVING the crisp, cool nip in the air!

7. My relationship with Jesus - once again, I know this can sound terribly trite and cheesy, but I truly am thankful that He is Lord of my life, that I can pray and talk to Him throughout the day, about anything, anything at all. My thoughts, my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. And I can know that He hears me. And not only that He hears me, but that He cares, that He is there for me, that He leads me, He protects me, He disciplines me, He forgives me, He instructs me, He speaks to me, He loves me. What wonderful news that is!

Those are just a few of the things I am thankful for today. I pray that this season of thanksgiving will cause each of you to reflect on what you are thankful for, as well!

Even MORE on suffering

I don't mean to beat a dead horse. But the topic of suffering keeps coming up in my life right now. And not because I am suffering, but because I am studying 1 Peter. Phew! It's definitely not the most "feel good" book of the Bible. Yet...the underlying message is actually the greatest news we could ever hear, especially in the midst of suffering. Why? It offers hope. It promises a future where there will be NO suffering, no hurt, no loss. But until then, we will have hard times. It's the plain, unsugar-coated truth.

What's funny is that as I study 1 Peter, I actually feel like I'm in one of the best spots of my life. Well, I mean, in the sense of being happy and content. I'm loving life. I'm loving being a wife and a mom. I'm loving our neighborhood, where I am surrounded by good friends who know me and love me well. I'm loving that I get to stay at home and do things like attend a weekly women's Bible study on Wednesday mornings to refresh my soul. It's a good place to be.

But as I study 1 Peter 4 and learn that we should not "be surprised at the painful trial we are suffering, as though something strange were happening to us," I am reminded that we WILL suffer. That it is a normal part of life. That we should EXPECT it. Because this world is sinful and broken, there will be suffering.

And I admit, that scares me to death. Every time I read that, I think, "Oh, Lord, what are you going to send my way? And will I be able to handle it?"

What I fear more than anything is losing someone close to me, like my husband, my son, or my mom. In a freak accident. Where they are just suddenly gone. With no warning. And beyond that, I'm afraid of how I will handle it if it happens. What if I become a total basketcase? What if I lose my faith, and just completely fall apart, for everyone to see?

That's when I have to remember that "God does not give us more than we can handle." That in the midst of suffering, He will be there. To comfort us. To love us. To remind us that He is good. He will even send people our way who know just how to encourage us, maybe people who've gone through the very thing we're going through.

In my Wednesday morning Bible study today, we discussed suffering and shared some of our own trials. I was shocked as I heard personal stories from the women in the room. Each one had her own share of suffering. Infertility. Losing a grandson in a car accident. Having a brother that was severely burned in a fire. Losing a baby in utero. A family member battling cancer. Everyone had a story.

As I listened, I felt that same, familiar fear creep up within me, challenging me, saying "Could YOU really handle one of those trials?"

But I realize I already have. In my case, I lost my father in a plane crash. I was four years old, my brother was two. I have very few memories of him and even those I confuse with pictures and stories people have told me. I know that loss has a direct impact on the fear I have today of losing those closest to me.

But even through that, God has been faithful. He has even used that loss, that suffering for good. For one, not having an earthly father for many years actually helped me to turn to my "heavenly father" at a young age. I drew near to God because of that fatherly absence in my life. Later, when my mom remarried, we were blessed with a father figure in our lives who is a godly man and wonderful influence on all of us. So yes, God was able to use that suffering for good.

The verse that ministered most to me through the 1 Peter 4 passage was verse 19, which says, "So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

There are many truths to glean from that insight, but here are just a few:

1) Suffering is God's will - as hard as that is to swallow, God allows suffering in this world. He is truly in control. He is not an evil ogre who wants to cause pain, yet He ALLOWS suffering in our sinful, broken world not only as a consequence for sin, but also as a way to refine our faith. As a form of discipline. Not because He is a mean, evil God. But like a father, He disciplines us, because He loves us.

2) We are called to "commit ourselves to our faithful Creator" - that verb "commit" is the same verb that Jesus uses when He is dying on the cross and says, "Father, unto thee I commit my spirit." It is a whole-hearted giving of ourselves. Even in the midst of suffering. We have to come to a point to fully surrender, to fully give of ourselves.

3) God is faithful. He is our Creator. He knows how many hairs we have on our head. He knows when the tiniest sparrow falls to the ground and dies. He knows all things. Therefore, we can TRUST him. He is faithful. He will use our suffering for good. He loves us. He will be there for us, no matter what we have to go through.

4) We are to continue to do good, even in the midst of suffering. This is hard to swallow, especially since suffering often causes us to isolate ourselves, to withdraw, to wallow in our grief. But we are to continue to do good. To serve. To step out, to share our story. And by doing so, by being faithful, perhaps God has hidden blessings in store.

While I am not in a hard, suffering spot in my life right now, I know this is a good lesson for me to ponder. Perhaps God is having me study 1 Peter and the topic of suffering right now to prepare me for the future. But I don't want to fear what is to come. Instead, my prayer is, "Lord, help me, when suffering comes my way, to accept it as your will, to commit myself to You as my Faithful Creator, and to continue do good."

More Thoughts on Suffering

I gained a new perspective on suffering today as I studied 1 Peter 4.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-14

That last phrase "so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed" was key for me.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about suffering in relation to my son Marshall, fearing something bad might happen to him. As I read what God's word says about how to endure suffering, I kept seeing references to having an eternal perspective, to set our hopes on Christ and the glories that will be revealed, knowing that the testing of our faith produces perserverance, character, hope, and believing that suffering refines our faith, believing that it IS worth it.

Well, easy to say. Harder to do.

But when I read verse 13 this week, I recognized that maybe I had it reversed. That instead of trying to gear up, with my own strength, that ability to "think eternally" in order to not completely become a basketcase when suffering comes my way...that perhaps God is allowing suffering in my life SO THAT I will gain an eternal perspective.

Let me explain. I know that in the past, when I've gone through difficult times, in the midst of my pain, I am reminded that this world is BROKEN. The people are BROKEN. I am BROKEN. That doesn't mean there aren't still wonderful, beautiful things in this world. Not at all. I see the immense blessings of marriage, family, friends, children, and even God's creation. But, within those, there is still BROKENNESS. Think about it. In marriage, you see the refusal of the wife to submit to her husband's leadership. You see jealousy, selfishness, envy, unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger. The same goes for family relationships and friendships. Even with children, you see that defiant little willful self expressed...sometimes as early as 9 months! In parenting, you see the need to control...sometimes for the child's good, but often times, for the parents' own selfish desires. In nature, you see beautiful mountain ranges, vast oceans and lush rain forests, but you also see catastrophic floods, earthquakes, famine, drought and global warming. While there are wonderful, beautiful things in this world, even within those, there is BROKENNESS.

To experience suffering, then, actually helps remind me of that brokenness. It reminds me that this is not what God intends, that God has a perfect, unbroken world waiting for us, where there is no pain, no tears, no disease, no death. Going through the pain of my suffering helps me remember that this wasn't what I was made for, that I'm not where I truly belong, that I'm not living out my life to the fullest potential...but that someday, I will.

Knowing that there is a place where I truly belong and can truly become all that I am meant to be helps me to LONG for that place. By experiencing pain and loss, I am reminded that one day, I will be in a place where there is no pain and loss.

Even then, it's hard to wrap my little human mind around a place like that. C.S. Lewis paints the picture much better than I can. In his book, "The Great Divorce" he describes a group of people taking a bus trip to heaven, just for the day, just to see what it's like. When they get there, one of the first things they see is the grass. The grass is so brilliant, so emerald green, so piercingly beautiful, that they can't look at it. It is painful to stare at because it is so blindingly brilliant. They even try to walk on it, but because each little shoot is so sharp, so perfect and straight and upright, that it cuts their feet. And that's just the grass. They didn't even get to experience God's presence.

C.S. Lewis is not saying God's presence will be painful. Instead, he's saying that because we are broken, because we live in a broken world, we can't even fathom what beauty and perfection look like. We have no idea what awaits us.

So the next time I experience suffering, I won't try to muscle up the ability to gain an eternal perspective on my own. No, I will accept it from God and allow Him to use it in my life as a reminder of what's to come, a reminder that this place is broken, this place is full of pain and loss and grief and death. This place is not my home. But one day, I will go home...to a place where even the grass is so brilliantly green, I can barely look at it.

Words that Build Up, not Tear Down

I was reflecting on Ephesians 4:29 this morning, which says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Yikes, that verse always challenges me. What's the area that's sometimes the hardest to control? Our mouth! I can think of so many things that come out of my mouth that don't please God. Gossip, cursing, slander, lies, flattery, boasting, mocking, etc. The list is long.

If I am truly a follower of Jesus and He is Lord of my life, that should mean He is Lord of my mouth! But how often is that not the case?

I was especially convicted of this truth as I've come to realize a few ways my mouth can be hurtful to others.

1) Teasing - There are a few girlfriends in my neighborhood who I've known for many years. We are very close and have a long history together. Therefore, we know each other quite well...which means, we know each other's weaknesses, quirks, habits, tendencies, etc. That can make teasing a very easy thing to do, especially to get a laugh from others in our group of friends, who know each other quite well. But I have come to realize that as fun as it is to tease and pick on one of my good friend's personality quirks...how does it build her up? How does it encourage her, edify her, help her be more like Jesus? It doesn't. So I'm realizing...while it may be fun to get a reaction and make a little "innocent jab" to say "I know you too well"...if it's not helping my sweet friend be encouraged and built up in the body, it's not worth opening my mouth. Help me, Lord, to speak only words that edify!

2) Flattery - this is an area God has recently convicted me of. It may be something seemingly innocent, like telling someone you like their haircut or their cooking when you really don't. A little white lie. But other times, it might be something deeper, like when they share an issue with you and they want your advice, but you know they don't want to hear the Jesus-centered answer, so instead, you give them worldly advice. "Do what's best for you" or "I'm glad you got to express your opinion so directly" or "If it makes you happy, then go for it." That's what the world says. But if I truly love my friends, I want to give them advice from the only source that I believe is truly powerful and that truly heals: God's word. And it's not always a "feel good" answer. But I don't want to be one of those friends that tells you what you want to hear. I want to be someone my friends can go to and know they are getting a biblical, gospel-centered, grace-filled answer, an answer that truly heals and gives hope. And in return, I want them to do the same for me!

3) Cursing - this is just a plain bad habit of mine. yikes! Whether it's waiting in traffic, stubbing my toe, or realizing Marshall is pooping on me in the middle of a diaper change...it's hard not to utter a few curse words every now and then. In the moment, nothing feels better to express frustration. But God's word calls us to speak words that edify, not tear down, and reminds us that our mouth is a "holy temple" that should reflect God's glory and that it should be used to speak beautiful, gracious, lovely things, not curse words. Lord, give me the self-control not to utter profanity every time I get frustrated!'

My prayer today is that we will speak words that encourage, heal, love, give hope, speak truth and build up...not tear down.

Blog Envy

So I'm just going to be totally honest. (Isn't that what a blog is - raw, honest thoughts like reading a page from someone's diary?)

I have blog envy. It's a new struggle for me. Only about a month old. Ever since I started blogging. My husband likes to tease me about my late arrival to this world by saying, "welcome to the 90s honey." But yes, now that I'm here, I've been introduced to a whole new world. I had NO idea how many talented, beautiful writers there were out there, especially in the mommy blogging realm, since that's mainly what I read these days...who are so incredibly gifted with their words, photography, layout and design. Most of them are stay at home moms (you go, girl!) who may have hundreds, even thousands of followers. I am in awe...and with that, a little envious. Maybe a lot.

When I'm at playgroup or at the park with a bunch of moms, there's often a plug for someone's blog. You know how it goes, "Oh my gosh, have you read such and such blog? You've got to check it out! Her pictures, her stories, her writing, etc., etc., is awesome." Then I go check it out for myself, agree that it is just as they said and start thinking thoughts like, "wow, I wish I could write like that" or "if only I could take such artistic pictures of my children" or "if only I knew how to add gadgets like that at that place on the page" and especially, "how does she have 4,000 followers?"

Once I'm finished admiring, ogling, and drooling over their blog, I return to my own, which suddenly looks plain jane, elementary, and inadequate...like going from a Picasso masterpiece to a kindergartner's fingerpainting.

Why is it an issue for me? Well, perhaps I've always wanted to be identified as a writer. I want people to approve of me, to think I'm smart, to think I have a witty, honest style that is endearing and fun to read. My dream has always been to write a novel that makes it on the NY Times Bestseller list.

Writing is part of my identity. And that's where the issue lies.

As always, God is using this opportunity to teach me. Just today, as I felt these ugly, envious feelings, He reminded me that whether it's a blog, the size of my house, whether I have wood floors or stainless steel appliances, the way I decorate, how stylishly I dress, how well and how often I host playgroup, the way I parent, the way my children behave, the way I entertain, the amount of activities I am involved in, the number of friends I keep in touch with, how I cook, etc....whatever that THING is, there is always going to be someone who does it better. And therefore, there is always room for envy.

It's been that way since the beginning of time. Satan wanting God's job. Eve wanting "knowledge" from the Tree of Life. Cain wanting to be better than Abel. David wanting Bathsheeba. Saul wanting David's popularity. Pharaoh wanting the worship of all people, including the Israelites.

So what's the lesson? It goes back to the issue of identity. The verse that spoke to me last week comes to mind, "In your hearts set apart Christ as Lord." If I truly am setting apart Christ as Lord of my heart, as the ultimate love, ruler and authority of my life, than my identity is in Him....and in who I am in relation to Him.

So who am I? I am a daughter of Christ. I am loved, I am cherished, I am forgiven, I am free to live and love like Jesus. I have no guilt, I have no shame because it has all been paid for on the cross. I am accepted. I am full of joy. I have no fear, because I know this is not my home. My home awaits me in heaven, where I will one day rejoice in the glorious presence of my Savior, in a place where I will feel pure joy, no pain, no suffering, no tears...no envy.

So whether I have one follower or thousands, it doesn't matter. Why? Because my identity is not set on how many blog followers I have. It's set on the fact that I am a loved and precious daughter of Christ, who approves of me, who is proud of me, who loves me. Nothing can separate me from His love.

Knowing that, clinging to that truth, is the only way I can move past my blog envy. Or any kind of envy. So I may not have an amazing blog. I may not have thousands of followers. I may sound preachy or rambly or boring. But who am I writing for? For my Lord. Writing is something that gives me pleasure and I do it out of joy and I want to do it in a way that pleases my Lord, not anyone else. Because His approval is the only one I need!

So the next time I go blog browsing, the next time I come across blogs that are more beautiful, better written, more artistic, etc...I will remind myself: my writing does not define me. Jesus defines me. He approves of me. He loves me. He is proud of me. And that's all that matters!

Who is Lord of My Heart?

I was back in 1 Peter this morning and gleaned rich, new insight from God's word. I love how His word is truly living and active!

The verse that spoke to me was 1 Peter 3:15, "In your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord."

What does it mean to set apart Christ as Lord in our hearts?

Well, first let's explore the meaning of the term "Lord." In this context, it's referring to Christ as the ultimate ruler, king, and authority. So to set apart Christ as Lord in our hearts, means to allow him to be the ultimate authority of all that we desire, dream about, and hope for.

So what are areas in my heart, I began to ponder, where I'm not allowing Christ to be Lord?

Two immediate answers came to mind: money and time.

First, money. Do I really allow Jesus to be Lord over how I spend my money? Do I consult him before I purchase things? The majority of the time, I don't. And perhaps for a tall half-caf Americano at Starbucks, it's not something I need to pray about. But if it's becoming more important than Jesus, perhaps it is. The easiest litmus test for figuring out when something is becoming lord of my heart instead of Jesus is to look at my motives.

Let me give a specific example. My husband and I are hosting a Halloween costume party for the neighborhood kids and families. The purpose is to have a fun evening and get to know our neighbors better. For the past three weeks, every free moment I've had (usually when Marshall is in Mother's Day Out), I've made trips to Target, Hobby Lobby, or HEB to buy fall decorations for our house. At first, it was just a few fun things to freshen up. But now, I know I've gone overboard on spending money.

Jim finally sat me down one night and gently asked, "Honey, why are you buying all of this? Is it because you truly enjoy decorating and want to make the home beautiful? Or is it to impress our neighbors, to make the house look good so you will gain their approval?"

Ouch. He hit the nail on the head. He called out my motive. I knew that I was not just decorating to freshen up. If there was no Halloween party, I would not be buying all that stuff. I could care less. So there it was, plain and clear. I was not allowing Jesus to be Lord over my heart. If I was, I could pray about it and ask, "Lord, will You help me make the house look beautiful without spending a lot of money?" And I know He will answer because He is faithful to hear us.

The second area of my heart where I rarely set apart Christ as Lord is my time. My time is precious. I want to decide how I'm going to spend it, who I'm going to spend it with, when I need "down time", when I want "social time" and when I want "hubby time." This has been an area of my heart where God has been working over the years. I went from full-time work, to a full-time grad student, to full-time ministry and now, to a full-time mom. And I'm realizing that time, especially since being a mom, is no longer my own. I treasure the few precious hours I have alone when Marshall naps. But even then, I want to start praying, "Lord, how do YOU want me to spend this time?" Should it be to relax and watch a fun show? Should I spend it writing a blog post? Should I call a friend I haven't talked to in awhile? Should I pray and spend time in Your word? Basically, the key is to ASK, not demand my rights. Even on the weekends, when Jim and I just want to veg out and watch TV, I want us to pray, "Lord, how would You like us to spend our weekend?" Should we invite a couple over for dinner we haven't seen in awhile? Should we find a way to serve one of our elderly neighbors? Or is this a time to just be still and quiet and alone with one another to refresh us and our marriage? Once again, the key is to ask with a open heart, not a demanding one.

I will continue to pray this for myself and for my readers....that God would show us areas in our hearts where we aren't setting apart Christ as Lord. We all have them. Some are more obvious than others. But I am realizing that when God helps us identify them and helps us release those areas to Him, we are actually freed up to love better and live better because Jesus reigns in us and there is nothing more joyful, wonderful and satisfying.

Submission

Submission. It's a word many of us dread, if not downright despise. But it's scattered throughout the pages of God's word, and therefore, not meant for us to ignore.

This morning, as I sat at the patio table on our back deck where gnarled oak trees arched gracefully above me, after finishing up a plate of eggs, toast and a steaming mug of coffee, I opened my Bible to 1 Peter 3.

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

Okay God, I prayed, what do you want to teach me today about submission? I pondered what it would be like to be married to a man who did not know Jesus. How hard it must be, to have such a passion for following Jesus, but not be able to share that with her own husband. Not being able to pray together, to worship together, to read and study God's word together. But instead of encouraging divorce, God calls women to "win them over without words" and by the example of "purity and reverence" in their lives. What a tough battle that would be!

But then I thought about my own marriage and realized how rarely do I try to "win him over without words." My husband is a follower of Christ, which I am oh so grateful for, but that doesn't mean he is perfect (nor am I, for that matter!).

There are times when I REALLY want something, whether it is something insignificant, like an iPod touch or more meaningful, like inviting a couple over for dinner who is struggling in their marriage. Whatever it is, my tendency is to keep repeating my desire for that "thing" until he caves in and lets me get my way.

With the iPod touch example, I kept nagging him about it, talking about how great it was, explaining the reasons I needed it, joking about how I couldn't live without it...when little did I know, he had planned on getting one for me for my "push prize" (after delivering our son, Marshall). When he gave it to me early (thanks to my incessant nagging!), I realized that I had put a damper on the actual enjoyment and excitement of receiving the gift, since it felt more like a concession on his part, rather than an actual desire to give because he wanted to give. The same goes for inviting our couple friends for dinner. I kept nagging him about it, in the midst of a couple of weeks when he was legimitately swamped at work and a bit stressed by his lack of down time. When he finally did concede, it wasn't as enjoyable for either of us, since it felt forced, preventing either of us from being fully present with the couple.

So what does a gentle and quiet spirit look like? In my case, and I think many of us can relate, it means silencing our mouths. Stop the nagging. And that's hard to do, especially when we really want something or we want them to do something that we've asked them to do a thousand times. What if, instead of nagging and begging and dropping little hints throughout the day, we just shut our mouths and prayed? It's a powerless feeling, to give it to the Lord and realize we're not in control of the outcome. But isn't that where God wants us to be? Powerless, allowing Him to work?

And you might say, well, isn't that a manipulative way to use prayer, just asking God to give you what you want? But it's funny how little credit we give God. He knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He knows that prayer changes US, often more than it changes the other person.

So my challenge to all of us wives for today is to close our mouths and pray. Stop nagging, stop hinting, stop asking and pray. Even for the little things, like iPod touches. Perhaps God won't give us what we want. Perhaps it will come much later. Perhaps He will answer in a way that is so much better than the outcome we expected that we are humbled by His answer. But whatever the outcome, we are called to "win them over without words" and love them with a "gentle and quiet spirit."

Date Night

My hubby is great about scheduling date nights for the two of us, even since Marshall was born. At first, it was hard for me to be away from Marshall, feeling guilty and worried whether he would take a bottle and go to sleep with a babysitter. But after doing it a few times, I began to feel more comfortable and now I CRAVE those evenings, enjoying a nice, quiet dinner together, being able to talk without interruptions, not having to be "on" and think about who's going to get Marshall when he cries, just being able to listen, laugh, and enjoy each other over a glass of wine. I highly recommend date nights, especially for new parents! We had to make a pact, however, that we could not talk about Marshall the entire time, but focus on our relatonship or other topics, just to allow us that mental and physical break away from our precious son.

Last Saturday, Jim got creative with date night. It was a surprise. He knows I love surprises and he enjoys planning fun things for us to do, so that makes it enjoyable for both of us. Throughout the week, he left me clues. I'd find signs hidden throughout the house saying things like "Friday night will have you going in circles" or "It'll be dark, but you'll still have light." On Friday, he revealed the attire: sporty.

Okay, I thought, we're going up to Mt. Bonnell or some other romantic spot to watch the sunset and have a picnic dinner. But the clue about going in circles made me think we could also be going ice skating. Who knew.

That evening, Jim comes home from work, our babysitter arrives, I give her brief instructions about Marshall, then we head off in our "sporty attire." Later, I was wishing I'd dressed to go to the gym instead of a hike (since that was my guess). Oh goodness.

We get in the car and drive a few streets over to our friends' house, the Luckes. My heart sinks. No offense to the Luckes, but I was hoping it would just be the two of us.

So I said, "Oh, are we going to hang out with the Luckes in their backyard by the firepit?"

The disappointment in my voice must've been obvious because he replied, "No sweetie. This is date night, remember?" He just smiled and pulled open their garage door. I followed his gaze toward the back of the garage, where two road bikes were mounted on the wall.

Ohhhh. A bike ride. Going in circles. Dark, but there will be light. Got it.

He looked at me to gage my excitement. My face was probably skeptical. He quickly pulled out a map to show me the route. The plan was to ride south to UT campus, eat at a fun restaurant around campus, explore UT, ride back up north to the Triangle to get frozen yogurt, then ride home. Ummm...basically, that was a pretty long ride. Maybe not for a Saturday morning workout, but for date night, yeah.

Now, I knew how much planning and thought he'd put into this, knowing that 1) Thanks to my spinning classes and triathlon days, I love cycling and 2) As a UT grad, I love going back to campus to explore all my old haunts. He'd even snuck my spin shoes in a bag, brought helmets, bought lights for the bikes, and brought a bike lock so we could secure them outside while we ate dinner. Very well-planned.

There were just a few minor problems: 1) I hadn't been on a bike since I was pregnant with Marshall (which means a year and a half of not riding!!!), 2) I was wearing hiking shorts, not cycling shorts, which meant MAJOR FRONT WEDGIE and 3) we were borrowing bikes from our TALLEST friends, which meant the seats were too high, the pedals too low and the handlebars too far out and 4) Did I mention that's a long freaking ride?

But hey - I'm "adventure girl" so I smiled and did a mental re-set of expectations: this would not be a relaxing hike up Mt. Bonnell to watch the sunset, followed by a pinic dinner and a cool glass of Chardonnay. No, this would be a challenging, sweaty workout, wearing the wrong shorts and riding the wrong sized bike. But hey, I was gonna roll with it and have a blast! If only that mental re-set had worked!

So off we go, pedaling away, sucking in the cool, crisp October evening air, down Shoal Creek. And I must say, for the first 10 minutes, it was lovely. Quiet, peaceful, such an exhilarating freedom to sail down the pavement, hearing nothing but the whir of the wheels and the pedals.

But then Shoal Creek came to an end and we reached 35th street. Let's just say, 35th isn't exactly biker friendly. There is no bike lane. Not to mention, as soon as we turned onto 35th, it was all uphill. So here we were, two obnoxious bikers, with our red blinking tail lights, slowly chugging up 35th on a Friday night, as cars swerved around us. I could just imagine them, cursing us inside their cars, you @#*(# bikers! We're already late for our dinner reservation/play/movie/fill in the blank. Oh goodness. During that 10 minute span of time, I had never pedaled so hard and fast. I just wanted to get off the freaking street. And I kept praying, "Lord, have mercy on us. Please don't let us get hit by a car. We have a baby!"

When we finally turned on Guadalupe, we decided to hop up on the sidewalk (disobeying bike rules), because it felt much safer. As we slowly rode down the sidewalk, past a multitude of students who were glaring angrily at us, probably because we were hogging the sidewalk, we reached an alleyway. Jim crossed it and I was about to do the same, when a car came out of the alley and roared past me. I came to a halting stop and had to quickly clip out of my pedals. I started wobbling, so to counterbalance myself, I had no choice but to actually put my hand on the car (which had come to a stop, waiting to pull out onto Guadalupe) and lean against it. The lady threw her hands up in the air, like, "what the hell?" and roared off. Luckily, just as the car moved, I was able to readjust myself and clip into my pedals. Jim was further down the sidewalk and didn't even see it, but another biker saw the whole thing. He just happened to be one of those shaven, cut, Lance Armstrong-looking types who totally knew what he was doing. He gave me this condescending look, like "and...why are you on a bike?" In prideful defense, I quickly cycled past him and mumbled, "I'm never borrowing my friend's bike again. It's way too tall for me." Oh, I'm sure that made me look a lot better.

We chose Madam Mam's for dinner. We've been there a thousand times. There's nothing special about it. But it was right in front of us, we were tired, hungry and cranky. We scarfed down our dinner and barely spoke to one another, not so much out of frustration at this point, just complete fatigue. That's when the soreness set in. After 20 minutes of rest and rejuvenation by food, we decided to skip the UT campus tour and head to the Triangle.

I thought my husband was brilliant when he said, "I think we should go a different way going back." Hallelujah!

We went down Speedway, which was a nice jaunt through campus and frat parties, and much less trafficked. It would've actually been an enjoyable ride and if it wasn't for the burning sensation that had begun to emanate from my crotch. I knew this was most likely due to a combination of the hiking shorts and a bike seat that was too tall. I don't even know if a burning sensation is the right word. It was more like a constant ramming into my pubic bone. Every time my foot went down to the bottom of the pedal stroke, my crotch rammed into the pointed part of the seat. And at this point, it was sheer pain. So from Speedway on, I had to stand up in my pedals. No more sitting in the saddle. Nope. All the way home, I stood in my pedals. Luckily, we took a less hilly route going back. But what it meant was that I had to: pedal, pedal, pedal, coast. Then once again, pedal, pedal, pedal, coast...all while standing. It was like taking an advanced spin class. I was pouring sweat and starting to feel angry and resentful as I watched my hubby way ahead of me, just relaxed, comfortably seated on his bike, pedaling in the lowest gear and enjoying the lovely evening. Errrgh.

We still made it to the Triangle for yogurt. I don't remember much. That's when the complaining began. All I could think about was my burning crotch. Jim mentioned that his shoulders were hurting from his bike being too tall for him. But I kept thinking, you have no idea what kind of pain I'm talking about. And let me just say, I'm considering natural child birth for my second baby, just because I loved the labor process so much. I can honestly say this was a pain that was comparable to labor (possibly worse, just because I wasn't mentally prepared for it!).

After yogurt, we were headed back on the home stretch of Shoal Creek. At this point, I'm fighting back tears and cursing date night under my breath. I kept thinking, if only we had done a romantic hike up to Mt. Bonnell. What was HE thinking? That was in my worst moment, of course. He even tried to ride up next to me and encourage me, saying, "Honey, we're almost home. I'm so sorry, I know you're hurting." Silence. I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to punish him for planning such a painful adventure.

Well, we finally made it home. I erupted into tears (after the babysitter left, of course) and we had a bit of a tiff as he didn't feel appreciated and I was pissed at him for feeling so much pain. But somehow, as he always does, by the end of the night, he was able to get me to laugh about it. He even knew how to tease me, saying, "Well, I'm sorry, I just thought you were tougher and more adventurous than that." He knew that would get me, since I like to claim I'm those very things!

He still jokes that he can't wait to take me on another bike ride. We are able to laugh it off as a funny memory. And my burning crotch was better after a couple of days. It was definitely a date night to remember!

Thankful for Community

Today is Thursday, which, in my small stay-at-home-mommy world...means it's PLAYGROUP DAY! woo hoo! Marshall and I love the opportunity to get out of the house (unless we're hosting that week), play with the other kids, and enjoy some adult conversation, even though it's sporadic and interrupted (we typically have about 5 different conversation strands going by the end of playgroup and rarely finish them).

We had a blast hanging out with our buddies today from the neigborhood, who happen to all have kids under 2! So they're not really "playing together" at this stage. But heck, it's an excuse to get out of the house!

I was just thinking about how wonderful it is to have a group of moms, all about the same age, all with kids about the same age, within walking distance of our home. I could literally think of about 10 families in the neigborhood that I could call up at anytime of day and say, "Hey, you feel like meeting at the park?" What a blessing!

Before I left work to stay home, I was told by several moms that one of the biggest challenges of staying home is the feeling of isolation and lack of adult interaction throughout the day. Perhaps knowing this in advance, I made an intentional effort to get to know other moms around me. The park has been a fantastic place to meet them, as the kids are swinging next to each other or going down the slide together, it's easy to strike up a conversation and learn that you are four houses down from one another.

I am so grateful how God has provided these friendships. It's so sweet to watch our kids grow up together, knowing they will most likely be attending the same school, possibly the same grade and even in the same class! It makes me want to really put roots down with these families, knowing this is a long-term investment, where we are committed to loving one another and loving each other's kids, as they come over for snacks after school or spend the night parties or just a quick "do you mind watching them for an hour while I run an errand?"

I can just imagine the teenage years when we're having to play the 007 role and call each other up and say, "Okay, Marshall said he's spending the night with Levi tonight. Is that the truth?" Then we have to make the walk down to the park together, busting them when we see they've got a sixpack of beer and a pack of cigarettes. Please Lord, be gracious to us as parents! We know you don't give us more than we can handle!

Seriously, I couldn't be more grateful for community. I'm excited to see how the Lord leads us and teaches us through one another and our kids in the years ahead.

Hang out Time in the Crib

This is a more of a question than a blog post for today, but for all you moms out there, what is the maximum amount of time you will let your little onejust hang out in his crib? Marshall decided to skip his afternoon nap (AND morning one, I might add), so I've decided that playtime in the crib is on the agenda for today. But how long should I keep him in there?

It's been 30 minutes, but I'm thinking atleast an hour would be good (for my own sanity!!!). It's been one of those days and I just need a little bit of alone time to blog, clean the house, etc. He's been quite content, just throwing his animals around, but I can hear him starting to go from babble to fussy. Oh goodness. We'll see how long I can hold out.

You never know what one day will bring!

But I am learning...each day is only a DAY. And "God's mercies are new each morning." So we'll chalk this one up to a fussy day and start over tomorrow!

Deeds of darkness

After successfully putting Marshall down for his morning nap (well, after a 15 minute protest period where he defiantly stood up in his crib, holding onto the railing with one hand, staring up at the video monitor and swinging his dog lovie around with the other), I finally was able to sit down to a warm mug of hazlenut coffee and a bowl of cereal at my kitchen table to begin my quiet time with the Lord.

As mentioned in previous posts, I recently started a women's bible study on 1 Peter. I have ben using their curriculum to guide my time with the Lord. On a side note - moms, being in a women's Bible study has been SO helpful for getting me back in the Word. I didn't have any structure to my quiet time before and therefore, often wouldn't know where to go in Scripture and then get distracted by other tasks. Now that I am in a Bible study, I have something to guide my time and it's manageable - only 20 minutes or so to complete the daily lessons. This is my plug for any women's Bible study!!!

Anyways, one of the cross references for the 1 Peter passage led me to Romans 13. Verse 12 caught my attention that morning.

"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light."

I began to pray, "Lord, what does it mean to put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light" in my life?

As someone who has grown up in the church, it is very easy to identify the ways I can "put on the armor of light." Doing things like: reading and memorizing Scripture, praying, regularly attending a worship service, being part of a community of believers who will speak truth into my life, being involved in a Bible study, etc...all of these things are wonderful things to help draw me closer to God and "put on the armor of light" in my life. They are NOT, however, things I do to earn my salvation. It is by grace through faith alone! But they are things that help me "set my mind on things above."

On the flip side of that coin, as someone who's grown up in the church, what does it mean to "put aside the deeds of darkness?" It's easy to identify the "big sins" - the things not to do as a follower of Jesus. But then I prayed, "Lord, what are the subtle sins, the small areas in my life where I am not putting aside deeds of darkness?"

Three things came to mind:

1. Money - do I spend my money in a God-honoring way? Am I buying things for myself, our house, or Marshall with a materialistic need to impress, need to possess attitude?

2. TV - As much as I love reality shows, many of them are not God-honoring shows. The messages they promote do nothing to edify and encourage my relationship with God or my family.

3. Music - I am a runner and I need peppy music to keep me going, so I usually listen to the latest rap/hip-hop/pop artists when I run. I tell myself that I tune out the lyrics and mainly just enjoy the beat, but that's impossible to do! The other day, God must have been convicting me because I noticed the lyrics that day and had to forward through 10 songs before I came to one that was not all about sex, sung about in a non-God honoring way.

So my prayer for today and my challenge to other moms is...what are the "deeds of darkness" in our lives - even subtle ones - that the Lord may be convicting us of and how can we "put them aside"?

To Fully Live

Yesterday afternoon a few of us mommy friends and kids hung out at our neighborhood park. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, full of sunshine, with a slight hint of incoming fall. We let our kiddos explore the playground and "play" with each other, as much as they really know how to play at this age (most of them are 2 or younger).

Marshall is unfortunately still at that stage where he wants to put everything into his mouth. The playground area is made up of little bitty rocks (as opposed to sand). Not ideal for an eight month old.

I was trying to chat with my mommy friends while simultaneously watching Marshall, constantly taking rocks out of his hands as he tried to put them into his mouth. It was a bit nerve-racking.

I tried different places on the playground to distract him from the rocks, which worked temporarily, but he seemed to understand that rocks in the mouth were off-limits, so he kept going back to them. The little willful self coming out already!

Several of us eventually congregated in one corner of the playground near the swingset. Marshall and his buddies were seated on the ground, with a few of us right there beside them. Before I could catch him, Marshall popped a rock into his mouth. He started coughing, and then, the worst sign for a mom...silence and a fearful expression on his face. He was choking. I PANICKED. I grabbed him, did a finger sweep, and could actually feel the rock lodged in his throat. I must've pushed it down because a few seconds later, he was crying. My friend Jenn was right there beside me during the incident and remained calm and reassuring. She even lifted both his arms into the air to help dislodge the rock. Throughout the incident and for a while afterwards, I was shaken up. What if I couldn't have dislodged the rock? In those few horrible seconds, I felt so helpless.

A few hours after the incident, I was still shaken up. The fear and panic was still quite fresh in my mind. Marshall was asleep safe and secure in his crib, but I felt afraid for what was to come.

I know there will probably be worse things then rocks down his throat in the future. How can I protect him from all the horrible things that could happen to him?

The next morning, as I was praying to the Lord about this fear, He reminded me that I CAN'T protect Him from everything. But He can. He is Marshall's maker. He knew him while he was in my womb. He knows the number of hairs on his head. He knows what every day, every minute of Marshall's life will look like. And he knows the number of days Marshall has on this earth. He has given me the blessing of being his mom, but Marshall belongs to Him.

That's when I have to trust Him. I have to remember that 1) God is in control and 2) God is good. I CAN trust him. He's not some horrible ogre that is willing Marshall to get hurt. No, God has a plan for him, "plans to prosper him, not to harm him, plans to give [him] hope and a future."

I know that as a mom, there is that struggle of finding a balance between trying to protect our children from harm, but not overprotecting by preventing them the freedom to explore, to fall down, to get hurt, to be kids. That's when prayer comes in. I have to depend on the Lord for finding that balance and when those fears come again (and I know they will!), I have to say, "Okay God, He is yours. Help me to trust you. Show me how to be a good mom, show me to how to love him and protect him, but allow him the freedom to discover, to love, to fully live.

Fear on UT campus

Today is Mother's Day Out for Marshall. When I arrived at the church to drop him off, my keycode to get into the building wouldn't work. A few minutes passed, then a sweet lady appeared behind the glass doors and poked her head out. She probed gently, "Are you here for Mother's Day Out?"

I said yes and gave her my name. She then informed me that the church was in lockdown mode because a few blocks away, on UT campus, there was a shooter, possibly two of them. As a security precaution, they were strictly monitoring traffic coming and going from the building.

After I dropped my son off and left, I quickly tuned into the radio to hear what was going on. I was shocked when I learned that the shooter was in the PCL (Perry Castenada Library), where I had spent many hours both as an undergrad, and more recently, as a grad student. I listened as reports came in from students on Twitter and Facebook about the shooter. It didn't sound like he killed anyone but himself, but the very news of a shooter made me shudder.

Once again...fear washed over me. What if Marshall was a college student when that happened? What about parents who had kids at UT at that moment? Lord, how do we trust You in times like these? If something awful happened, how do we continue worshipping and following You, without getting angry, bitter or full of despair?

I have to bring every thought captive and remember what I had reflected on earlier. We are "strangers" here on earth, in this foreign place where there is real evil, sadness and tragedy. But we look forward to the "hope that is to be revealed." Until then, we groan, longing eagerly for our home in heaven.

Easy to say, harder to put in practice. But I'm trying. Daily.

Lord, keep my mind on things above and trust in Your provision.

No Gifts, Please

Okay, so Marshall's 1 year birthday is still 4 months away...but I have to admit, I'm already planning! I didn't think I would be this excited about it, but I can't help myself. I'm excited to celebrate surviving one year, enjoying one year, a little sad that a year has already gone by, but also REJOICING that I got through what I thought was one of the hardest years of my life. It's so crazy to think that my little boy is already turning 1!

So I'm thinking about a cowboy theme...and I'm not talking about going over the top or anything, just some fun decorations. There are SO many cute things on Etsy.com. It's been a great place to go just to get ideas!

But I'm not writing about party themes or decorations today...I'm writing about gifts. While I absolutely love the idea of throwing a birthday party and celebrating Marshall turning one, something in me doesn't feel right about making a huge focus on birthday gifts. First of all, he has plenty of toys and entertainment and he doesn't really NEED anything. Second of all, as a follower of Jesus, I want to encourage godly principles, not worldly ones. And showering him with gifts every year just isn't a message I want to send him. So how do I do this without offending family or friends who want to give him things?

Well, I think for starters, I'm going to make it clear on the invitation: "No gifts, please." Most people, honestly, I think will be relieved they don't have to go figure out what a one year old boy wants and go buy it. I know there will be family and friends who will want to buy him something and I am okay with that, but I don't want it presented at his birthday party, in front of a huge crowd, making a big production of it. There are plenty of birthdays where that is the norm and that's fine, it's just not what I want our family to be about. Gifts can be simple things, like a toy that's been in the closet for awhile and hasn't been used. Or even better, finding a way to serve someone else, like clearing their plate from the table or giving them a hug. I just don't think buying a lot of "things" is what I want to encourage.

My vision and ability to articulate this still hasn't even really fully developed, so I'm sure there will be more to come...especially around Christmas time. But for now...my only thought is, I'd like to include a request on the invite that says "No gifts, please." We'll see how that goes!

Okay, so Marshall's 1 year birthday is still 4 months away...but I have to admit, I'm already planning! I didn't think I would be this excited about it, but I can't help myself. I'm excited to celebrate surviving one year, enjoying one year, a little sad that a year has already gone by, but also REJOICING that I got through what I thought was one of the hardest years of my life. It's so crazy to think that my little boy is already turning 1!

So I'm thinking about a cowboy theme...and I'm not talking about going over the top or anything, just some fun decorations. There are SO many cute things on Etsy.com. It's been a great place to go just to get ideas!

But I'm not writing about party themes or decorations today...I'm writing about gifts. While I absolutely love the idea of throwing a birthday party and celebrating Marshall turning one, something in me doesn't feel right about making a huge focus on birthday gifts. First of all, he has plenty of toys and entertainment and he doesn't really NEED anything. Second of all, as a follower of Jesus, I want to encourage godly principles, not worldly ones. And showering him with gifts every year just isn't a message I want to send him. So how do I do this without offending family or friends who want to give him things?

Well, I think for starters, I'm going to make it clear on the invitation: "No gifts, please." Most people, honestly, I think will be relieved they don't have to go figure out what a one year old boy wants and go buy it. I know there will be family and friends who will want to buy him something and I am okay with that, but I don't want it presented at his birthday party, in front of a huge crowd, making a big production of it. There are plenty of birthdays where that is the norm and that's fine, it's just not what I want our family to be about. Gifts can be simple things, like a toy that's been in the closet for awhile and hasn't been used. Or even better, finding a way to serve someone else, like clearing their plate from the table or giving them a hug. I just don't think buying a lot of "things" is what I want to encourage.

My vision and ability to articulate this still hasn't even really fully developed, so I'm sure there will be more to come...especially around Christmas time. But for now...my only thought is, I'd like to include a request on the invite that says "No gifts, please." We'll see how that goes!