So it's been one of those weeks. Lots of little disappointments.
It started on Sunday, the morning of Marshall's first birthday, when he woke up and proceeded to throw up non-stop. The party was at 4pm that day. After a few hours of being in complete denial, Jim had to sit me down and say, "Honey, we can't have other kids over here when Marshall is throwing up. We are going to have to cancel the party." I finally accepted that fact, but definitely wasn't happy about it. I moped for most of the day. All the food, decorations, and overall excitement at celebrating my little boy's first birthday had been building up for weeks...and now it was cancelled.
I know some of you may think, it's just a one year old birthday party, for crying out loud, it's not like they even know the difference! But I think most moms will understand: birthdays, ESPECIALLY the first one, are a big deal! It's not just about the child, it's an opportunity for the parents to celebrate SURVIVING ONE YEAR with their little one and marking that milestone. Atleast we were able to reschedule the party. But that was Disappointment #1.
Disappointment #2. I got sick. None of the vomiting stuff that Marshall had (thank goodness!), but I came down with a persistent case of cedar fever. Since I'm also 18 weeks pregnant and STILL nauseous (no happy 2nd trimester hormones yet!), with the combo of a runny nose, a pounding headache and a constant desire to hurl, I just haven't been loving life.
Disappointment #3. I hosted a dinner party for 7 girlfriends last night (while still recovering from cedar fever). I'd been excited all week to host and enjoy a girls' night of fun, adult conversation, relishing a few hours away from our needy little ones. I picked a crockpot recipe that looked DELISH - chicken cacciatore with fire roasted tomatoes, green bell pepper, onions, mushrooms, chicken, basil, oregano, and bay leaves. I decided to add a cup of red wine (Cabernet) to give it a richer flavor. Well, I'm not sure if it was the wine or just a terrible recipe, but the meal was absolutely flavorless. When I took a bite, after sitting down at the dinner table with the rest of the girls, I wanted to duck under the table, I was so embarrassed at how bad it tasted. Oh goodness.
So that's been my week so far. Nothing earth shattering in the grand scheme of things, but definitely disappointing.
As I prayed today, I just confessed my hurts to the Lord. He reminded me to think about His Story for all of us. I've been reading the One Year Bible with some friends. We finished Genesis and are now in Exodus. Already, we've read about some messed up, hurting people. Women who can't get pregnant, men who deceive, families who are torn apart by jealousy, hatred and murder. The Bible doesn't sugar coat things. It shows the world like it is: full of SIN and EVIl. And yet...there is HOPE.
Why? Because we have a God who cares. We have a God who is actively involved in our lives, who doesn't leave us to fend for ourselves, but walks with us every step of the way. As I've read about the lives of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph, I see evidence of God leading them, of God walking alongside them, of God providing for them.
And as I complained to God about my hurts and disappointments of the week, He reminded me that He cares about me. That He is walking alongside me, every step of the way. And while he may not protect me from every little disappointment in life, He will be there for me.
So while it wasn't the greatest week, I am reminded that God hasn't forsaken me. He loves me and He cares. Knowing that makes my little disappointments a tad bit more palatable. :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Celebrating ONE YEAR with Marshall!
Before I had kids, I often heard the following phrase in regards to parenting: "The years go by fast, the days go by slow." I thought yeah, yeah. But now that I am the mom of a one year old, I have to admit: IT'S TRUE!
In some ways, it's hard to believe my precious little son is already turning ONE YEAR OLD! But at the same time, during those first few months of his life, when all I was doing was nursing every 3 hours, napping when I could, eating when I could, and just plain surviving, it felt like the minutes, hours and days DRAGGED ON.
When I look at pictures of Marshall as an infant, I am SHOCKED, wondering, "was he really that small?" He looked so fragile, so pink, so helpless! And now, he's toddling around the house on his own (yes, he's walking!) and mumbling his own little words ("doh" for dog and "bawl" and "dada" for just about everything else).
When someone asks me about what this year was like, I tell them that it has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most fulfilling. Before I was a stay at home mom, I remember always feeling an unsatisfied longing at work, no matter what job it was. There were always things I enjoyed about my job, but it was just never quite the right fit. I wanted a slightly different role or more challenge or different schedule or SOMETHING else. But now, as a stay at home mom, I can actually say that I truly feel FULFILLED in a deep way. That's not to say that I don't have bad days. Trust me, I still get cranky, tired, emotional, stressed, frustrated, etc. on numerous occasions (just read my blog!). Yet despite feeling all of that, I still feel deeply FULFILLED. I am certain this is what God has called me to...in a way I've never felt before. It's a pretty awesome feeling. So when the hard days come, I can cling to the fact that this is what I am called to do, this is my purpose, to stay home, love, discipline, and invest in Marshall. What an awesome calling!
Today I'll leave you with a TOP TEN List of Marshall's first year of life:
1) THE CRAB CRAWL. Marshall has never crawled "normally" but proceeds to stick one leg out like a crab and drag himself along. Believe it or not, he can actually get going pretty fast. Our friend Jefe lovingly named it "the stanky leg."
2) THE ROCK CATASTROPHE. I will never forget my first scare at the park, when Marshall swallowed a rock and almost choked. YIKES!
3) NO PANTS. Anna, as I look back at pictures of Marshall 6 months and under, with onesies and no pants, I can finally admit, "what was I thinking?" For some reason I thought pants on an infant were unnecessary (I still think that) but for crying out loud, he looks practically naked in all his baby pictures. Baby 2 will be fully clothed at all times, even if it's just for good pictures!
4) DARE DEVIL. Moms in playgroup, babysitters and childcare workers all have the same thing to say about Marshall, "Man, he just GOES FOR IT." He doesn't think before he acts, he just does it. Hmmm...I wonder where that came from? Jim jokes that he will be skydiving well before I did. Oh goodness. Payback is a @#$#$.
5) PULLING UP. While he didn't necessarily start walking early (11 months he took his first steps, at one year he's fully walking), he did pull up to standing very early (6 months) which kept me BUSY and constantly WORRIED. He had a BUNCH of "knock knocks" on our hard wood floors. Poor thing!
6) THE ULTIMATE KNOCK KNOCK happened when he was 4 months. He propelled himself off the ottoman footrest (when I looked away for 5 seconds!) and dove headfirst onto the hard wood floor. I've never heard him scream so loud and FREAKED out when he a large black and blue bruise quickly appeared on his forehead. We rushed him to Dell Children's Hospital where the doc proceeded to tell us that everything was fine. Phew!
7) HUNGRY BABY. How did I almost forget this one? For the first 2 months of his life, thanks to mom's low milk supply (which was a whole other guilt-ridden, emotional issue), Marshall was a hungry, unhappy little baby most of the time. I remember the first night home from the hospital, when Jim and I were up ALL night taking turns holding him while he screamed. At one point, Jim stormed out into the hallway in frustration and ran into mom, who said, "Jim, I think we need to hire a baby nurse." Hilarious! Those were definitely HARD days and nights!
8) POOP IN THE BATH. So for the first 3 or 4 months of life, my child did not just poop ONCE in the bath, he pooped EVERY time he took a bath. Something with the warm water on his booty just relaxed him and it ALL came out. I got quite efficient at catching the poop with a rag and swiping it up without any of it getting on me, Marshall or the sink. But that took numerous failed attempts before I got that one down!
9) RIDING LAWNMOWER. One of my favorite images of Marshall and Daddy is watching them ride around the backyard on the riding lawnmower together, with Marshall sitting in Daddy's lap, looking around, pointing at everything, in utter fascination of the noise and the movement. I know, it doesn't sound that safe. But I've gotten past that after seeing how much they BOTH enjoy their time together. Now, when we go into the backyard to play, he always points at the lawnmower, hoping for a ride.
10) HEAD OF HAIR. Everyone comments on how much hair he has for his age. He definitely has some lovely, thin, soft locks which make him look older than he is. He is often mistaken for a two year old because of this!
Happy birthday, my precious Marshall! I love you and can't wait to get to know the wonderful man you are becoming in the years ahead!
In some ways, it's hard to believe my precious little son is already turning ONE YEAR OLD! But at the same time, during those first few months of his life, when all I was doing was nursing every 3 hours, napping when I could, eating when I could, and just plain surviving, it felt like the minutes, hours and days DRAGGED ON.
When I look at pictures of Marshall as an infant, I am SHOCKED, wondering, "was he really that small?" He looked so fragile, so pink, so helpless! And now, he's toddling around the house on his own (yes, he's walking!) and mumbling his own little words ("doh" for dog and "bawl" and "dada" for just about everything else).
When someone asks me about what this year was like, I tell them that it has been one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most fulfilling. Before I was a stay at home mom, I remember always feeling an unsatisfied longing at work, no matter what job it was. There were always things I enjoyed about my job, but it was just never quite the right fit. I wanted a slightly different role or more challenge or different schedule or SOMETHING else. But now, as a stay at home mom, I can actually say that I truly feel FULFILLED in a deep way. That's not to say that I don't have bad days. Trust me, I still get cranky, tired, emotional, stressed, frustrated, etc. on numerous occasions (just read my blog!). Yet despite feeling all of that, I still feel deeply FULFILLED. I am certain this is what God has called me to...in a way I've never felt before. It's a pretty awesome feeling. So when the hard days come, I can cling to the fact that this is what I am called to do, this is my purpose, to stay home, love, discipline, and invest in Marshall. What an awesome calling!
Today I'll leave you with a TOP TEN List of Marshall's first year of life:
1) THE CRAB CRAWL. Marshall has never crawled "normally" but proceeds to stick one leg out like a crab and drag himself along. Believe it or not, he can actually get going pretty fast. Our friend Jefe lovingly named it "the stanky leg."
2) THE ROCK CATASTROPHE. I will never forget my first scare at the park, when Marshall swallowed a rock and almost choked. YIKES!
3) NO PANTS. Anna, as I look back at pictures of Marshall 6 months and under, with onesies and no pants, I can finally admit, "what was I thinking?" For some reason I thought pants on an infant were unnecessary (I still think that) but for crying out loud, he looks practically naked in all his baby pictures. Baby 2 will be fully clothed at all times, even if it's just for good pictures!
4) DARE DEVIL. Moms in playgroup, babysitters and childcare workers all have the same thing to say about Marshall, "Man, he just GOES FOR IT." He doesn't think before he acts, he just does it. Hmmm...I wonder where that came from? Jim jokes that he will be skydiving well before I did. Oh goodness. Payback is a @#$#$.
5) PULLING UP. While he didn't necessarily start walking early (11 months he took his first steps, at one year he's fully walking), he did pull up to standing very early (6 months) which kept me BUSY and constantly WORRIED. He had a BUNCH of "knock knocks" on our hard wood floors. Poor thing!
6) THE ULTIMATE KNOCK KNOCK happened when he was 4 months. He propelled himself off the ottoman footrest (when I looked away for 5 seconds!) and dove headfirst onto the hard wood floor. I've never heard him scream so loud and FREAKED out when he a large black and blue bruise quickly appeared on his forehead. We rushed him to Dell Children's Hospital where the doc proceeded to tell us that everything was fine. Phew!
7) HUNGRY BABY. How did I almost forget this one? For the first 2 months of his life, thanks to mom's low milk supply (which was a whole other guilt-ridden, emotional issue), Marshall was a hungry, unhappy little baby most of the time. I remember the first night home from the hospital, when Jim and I were up ALL night taking turns holding him while he screamed. At one point, Jim stormed out into the hallway in frustration and ran into mom, who said, "Jim, I think we need to hire a baby nurse." Hilarious! Those were definitely HARD days and nights!
8) POOP IN THE BATH. So for the first 3 or 4 months of life, my child did not just poop ONCE in the bath, he pooped EVERY time he took a bath. Something with the warm water on his booty just relaxed him and it ALL came out. I got quite efficient at catching the poop with a rag and swiping it up without any of it getting on me, Marshall or the sink. But that took numerous failed attempts before I got that one down!
9) RIDING LAWNMOWER. One of my favorite images of Marshall and Daddy is watching them ride around the backyard on the riding lawnmower together, with Marshall sitting in Daddy's lap, looking around, pointing at everything, in utter fascination of the noise and the movement. I know, it doesn't sound that safe. But I've gotten past that after seeing how much they BOTH enjoy their time together. Now, when we go into the backyard to play, he always points at the lawnmower, hoping for a ride.
10) HEAD OF HAIR. Everyone comments on how much hair he has for his age. He definitely has some lovely, thin, soft locks which make him look older than he is. He is often mistaken for a two year old because of this!
Happy birthday, my precious Marshall! I love you and can't wait to get to know the wonderful man you are becoming in the years ahead!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Following Our Husband's Lead
Okay, I am totally LOVING my New Year's resolution to read the Bible in one year with the help of my blogging community of friends and Larry Crabb's companion book "66 Love Letters." I already feel like God is making His word fresh, exciting and teachable for me. I can't wait to see what else He has in store this year!
Today I wanted to share some thoughts from Genesis 12-15, the story of Abraham (or Abram, as he was called at that time) and Sarai. Usually when I read this story, I focus on Abram and how God spoke to him, blessed him, and used him, despite his weaknesses and failures. But this time, I was more interested in the life of Sarai and tried to put myself in her shoes.
Just imagine this:
You find out, as a married woman, that you are barren, in a culture where child-rearing is the PRIMARY purpose for your life. How would you NOT be bitter and angry at God? What else would you do with your time? Pick up basket weaving or pottery class or some other hobby, like playing competitive Bocci Ball (or whatever the equivalent game would be in their culture). Even these things relegated her to the status of "old maid." Poor Sarai!
THEN, your husband tells you God spoke to him (really??! And who are YOU that God speaks directly to you?) and told him you guys were supposed to leave your homeland (yikes!), your family (double yikes!) and all your possessions (No! I can't live without my weaving loom!) because he was going to be the father of many nations, having descendants as numerous as the grains of sand. Ummm...helllooo...did you forget a MINOR point? How am I supposed to conceive if I'm BARREN?!?!
But you decide to be a good, obedient wife and follow your hubby on a trek across the country, to begin what will be YEARS of wandering, living like nomads. I think I'd have a REALLY hard time not complaining about that one...when are we going to settle down so I can decorate the house, invite the neighbors over for dinner, and really put down roots? Not for many years to come, sweetie, sorry.
Then they get to this new land, where there is a powerful ruling pharaoh. Abram guesses what's coming. He's not stupid. He knows he married a beauty pageant for a wife and once Pharaoh lays eyes on her, he's dead. So he does what any noble, brave, sensible man would do: he lies to save his own hide. "She's my sister," he tells Pharoah. Well, in that case, Pharaoh plays the benevolent ruler and takes her under his wing, adopting her as another one of his wives and lavishing her with the luxuries of palace life. Any other woman would kill for such an honorable position.
Now, if I were Sarai, I would be thinking, "What the heck, Abram?!?! Did you really just hand me off to this guy without even putting up a fight? Did you really just lie to save yourself? What about that whole covenant of marriage thing, promising to be there in good times and bad?" I think I would have some serious trust and betrayal issues with my husband after that one.
But after getting over the shock of being traded in by her own husband, I can't help but think Sarai secretly enjoyed palace life. Who wouldn't?!?! The best comparison I can think of is living at Lake Austin Spa full-time, with staff members waiting on me hand and foot. Schedule for today: heated rock massage at 10am, poolside lunch at noon, yoga and personal training at 2pm, hot tub and sauna at 4pm, formal seated dinner with the pharaoh at 6pm. I think I could handle that. And even though this guy was a total stranger, after being abandoned by my husband, wouldn't I feel the least bit justified in enjoying my new posh palatial lifestyle? Don't I DESERVE this after all I've been through???
But the life and luxury at the palace didn't last long. Bad things started happening to pharaoh and he figured out there must be some kind of curse on him. He confronted Abram and demanded to know the truth. Yes, Sarai was really his wife, not his sister.
So the palatial princess was suddenly banished from the palace and sent packing with her groveling husband, who was still saying that he was supposed to be the father of many nations. But for now, they had to keep moving, keep wandering the land like nomads. At that point, I think I would really struggle with living with this guy. He'd already lost my trust. And now, after enjoying the delicacies and pamperings of the palace, here I was, back to the harsh life of a nomad, living in a tent, eating scorptions and cactus, with no massage or personal training appointments. I would TOTALLY have a bad attitude and be complaining, secretly thinking I DESERVED more.
Well, that's where the reading ends for today.
But you and I know how the story ends. We know that Sarai, who now has little trust in Abram or God, decides to take matters into her own hands and give her maidservant, Haggai, to Abram to get pregnant. Surely that's what God meant when he said Abram would become the father of many nations, right? It made sense to Sarai. Who doesn't want to take control of things when it appears that no one else is in charge?
But God was STILL faithful to Sarai. He didn't say, "Sarai, since you failed to trust me and wait for me to allow you to get pregnant in MY timing, I am no longer going to bless you." Nope. He still allowed her to get pregnant. Despite her impatience, her mistrust and her own sin, God still chose to bless her. She still become the mother of many nations.
What I learn from Sarai in all of this is that, like her, I am tempted to question my husband's decisions and try to take matters into my own hands. I question whether it's really God leading him or just his own fleshly self calling the shots. I know that like myself, he is sinful and makes mistakes. Knowing that, it's hard to submit, hard to allow him to be the leader of our family.
But after reading the story of Sarai and Abram, I realize that God chose to work through Abram and Sarai DESPITE their sin, lack of trust and failures. And my husband isn't trying to give me away to some stranger in order to save his life (although if he WERE to do that, PLEASE choose the manager of Lake Austin Spa, oh yea, baby!!!).
I realize that, even though my husband, like myself, is a fallible, imperfect human being who will make mistakes, who will cause me to question him, to be disappointed, to be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, etc...despite all of that, I am learning that I can TRUST GOD to lead me THROUGH my husband. I can trust that GOD will be faithful to his word, even when my husband is not. I can relinquish my need to control outcomes when I don't think my husband is doing it right because ultimately, God's purposes are going to come about whether my husband and I are being "good" or not. Once again, it's not about our goodness at all. It's about God's faithfulness. And He NEVER changes, never lets us down, never fails us, never abandons us. What good news this is!
Let us cling to the ROCK that is higher than ourselves by allowing our husbands to lead us in marriage and in life because we know that our God is FAITHFUL to bring about His purposes despite our own shortcomings.
Today I wanted to share some thoughts from Genesis 12-15, the story of Abraham (or Abram, as he was called at that time) and Sarai. Usually when I read this story, I focus on Abram and how God spoke to him, blessed him, and used him, despite his weaknesses and failures. But this time, I was more interested in the life of Sarai and tried to put myself in her shoes.
Just imagine this:
You find out, as a married woman, that you are barren, in a culture where child-rearing is the PRIMARY purpose for your life. How would you NOT be bitter and angry at God? What else would you do with your time? Pick up basket weaving or pottery class or some other hobby, like playing competitive Bocci Ball (or whatever the equivalent game would be in their culture). Even these things relegated her to the status of "old maid." Poor Sarai!
THEN, your husband tells you God spoke to him (really??! And who are YOU that God speaks directly to you?) and told him you guys were supposed to leave your homeland (yikes!), your family (double yikes!) and all your possessions (No! I can't live without my weaving loom!) because he was going to be the father of many nations, having descendants as numerous as the grains of sand. Ummm...helllooo...did you forget a MINOR point? How am I supposed to conceive if I'm BARREN?!?!
But you decide to be a good, obedient wife and follow your hubby on a trek across the country, to begin what will be YEARS of wandering, living like nomads. I think I'd have a REALLY hard time not complaining about that one...when are we going to settle down so I can decorate the house, invite the neighbors over for dinner, and really put down roots? Not for many years to come, sweetie, sorry.
Then they get to this new land, where there is a powerful ruling pharaoh. Abram guesses what's coming. He's not stupid. He knows he married a beauty pageant for a wife and once Pharaoh lays eyes on her, he's dead. So he does what any noble, brave, sensible man would do: he lies to save his own hide. "She's my sister," he tells Pharoah. Well, in that case, Pharaoh plays the benevolent ruler and takes her under his wing, adopting her as another one of his wives and lavishing her with the luxuries of palace life. Any other woman would kill for such an honorable position.
Now, if I were Sarai, I would be thinking, "What the heck, Abram?!?! Did you really just hand me off to this guy without even putting up a fight? Did you really just lie to save yourself? What about that whole covenant of marriage thing, promising to be there in good times and bad?" I think I would have some serious trust and betrayal issues with my husband after that one.
But after getting over the shock of being traded in by her own husband, I can't help but think Sarai secretly enjoyed palace life. Who wouldn't?!?! The best comparison I can think of is living at Lake Austin Spa full-time, with staff members waiting on me hand and foot. Schedule for today: heated rock massage at 10am, poolside lunch at noon, yoga and personal training at 2pm, hot tub and sauna at 4pm, formal seated dinner with the pharaoh at 6pm. I think I could handle that. And even though this guy was a total stranger, after being abandoned by my husband, wouldn't I feel the least bit justified in enjoying my new posh palatial lifestyle? Don't I DESERVE this after all I've been through???
But the life and luxury at the palace didn't last long. Bad things started happening to pharaoh and he figured out there must be some kind of curse on him. He confronted Abram and demanded to know the truth. Yes, Sarai was really his wife, not his sister.
So the palatial princess was suddenly banished from the palace and sent packing with her groveling husband, who was still saying that he was supposed to be the father of many nations. But for now, they had to keep moving, keep wandering the land like nomads. At that point, I think I would really struggle with living with this guy. He'd already lost my trust. And now, after enjoying the delicacies and pamperings of the palace, here I was, back to the harsh life of a nomad, living in a tent, eating scorptions and cactus, with no massage or personal training appointments. I would TOTALLY have a bad attitude and be complaining, secretly thinking I DESERVED more.
Well, that's where the reading ends for today.
But you and I know how the story ends. We know that Sarai, who now has little trust in Abram or God, decides to take matters into her own hands and give her maidservant, Haggai, to Abram to get pregnant. Surely that's what God meant when he said Abram would become the father of many nations, right? It made sense to Sarai. Who doesn't want to take control of things when it appears that no one else is in charge?
But God was STILL faithful to Sarai. He didn't say, "Sarai, since you failed to trust me and wait for me to allow you to get pregnant in MY timing, I am no longer going to bless you." Nope. He still allowed her to get pregnant. Despite her impatience, her mistrust and her own sin, God still chose to bless her. She still become the mother of many nations.
What I learn from Sarai in all of this is that, like her, I am tempted to question my husband's decisions and try to take matters into my own hands. I question whether it's really God leading him or just his own fleshly self calling the shots. I know that like myself, he is sinful and makes mistakes. Knowing that, it's hard to submit, hard to allow him to be the leader of our family.
But after reading the story of Sarai and Abram, I realize that God chose to work through Abram and Sarai DESPITE their sin, lack of trust and failures. And my husband isn't trying to give me away to some stranger in order to save his life (although if he WERE to do that, PLEASE choose the manager of Lake Austin Spa, oh yea, baby!!!).
I realize that, even though my husband, like myself, is a fallible, imperfect human being who will make mistakes, who will cause me to question him, to be disappointed, to be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, etc...despite all of that, I am learning that I can TRUST GOD to lead me THROUGH my husband. I can trust that GOD will be faithful to his word, even when my husband is not. I can relinquish my need to control outcomes when I don't think my husband is doing it right because ultimately, God's purposes are going to come about whether my husband and I are being "good" or not. Once again, it's not about our goodness at all. It's about God's faithfulness. And He NEVER changes, never lets us down, never fails us, never abandons us. What good news this is!
Let us cling to the ROCK that is higher than ourselves by allowing our husbands to lead us in marriage and in life because we know that our God is FAITHFUL to bring about His purposes despite our own shortcomings.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
It's that time of year again. A new year has arrived with the promise of new hopes, challenges and unknowns. Most of us mentally prepare a list of things we want to accomplish or change about ourselves in the new year. It's a time to start fresh, with a clean slate, and begin again.
My list has been pretty much the same every year: eat healthier, exercise more, read more, pray more, watch less TV, gossip less, complain less, cuss less, drive better.
This year, I even added a few new ones: savor my time with Marshall before Baby 2 comes, organize closets to prepare for Baby 2, get to know other moms in the neighborhood better, and develop a gentle and quiet spirit (along the lines of no cussing, gossipping or complaining).
When I shared these resolutions with my smart, entrepreneurial business owner of a husband, he reminded me that when setting goals, they need to be measureable. He said none of those I mentioned were measurable. How, for example, can you measure a gentle and quiet spirit at the end of the year? Dang it.
So I admit, I'm not the greatest goal setter, especially when it means quantifying things. It feels too restrictive, too cumbersome, too performance-based. I want the freedom to "eat healthier" but splurge every now and then, to "exercise more" but take a few days off. So I'm never sure how to set measurable goals without allowing for some freedom and grace. That's probably a blog post in itself.
But there is one goal that I DO want to make measurable this year: spend time EVERY DAY in God's word. Why? Because I believe it is our main source of power, hope, joy, and fulfillment. Without it, we begin to shrivel. We are less able to be the unique individual God created us to be.
What's exciting is the way I'm going to hold myself accountable to this goal: through a group of blogging friends that want to do the same thing! We are going to read through the Bible in a year. Not only that, we are going to use a book by Larry Crabb, called "66 Love Letters", to help us get a better overview of each book of the Bible. Using the blog website, we will share insights from what we are learning with each other, questions, comments, or frustrations. Basically, we are there to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to read God's word everyday and learn from it.
I've already read the prologue from Larry Crabb's book. It's getting me PUMPED about starting my very first measurable new year's resolution! He talks about how the Bible is God's story. That through each of the 66 books of the Bible, He weaves an amazing story of His pursuit, love, redemption and grace for mankind. Every single book is necessary, even the tedious, boring ones like Leviticus and Numbers. He provides an overview that helps you understand God's story in each book.
What I love, more than anything, is how he says that we often, as Christians, get caught up in our own story. Our own house, family, jobs, day to day lives, etc. While that's nice and all, there is a story that is SO much greater, SO much richer, more fulfilling and more full of joy. It's God's story for our lives. And the only way to understand that story is to read it, to spend time in God's word, to pray that God would give us the understanding and insight into His story for our lives. Instead of seeking ways to fit God into our own life, we should be seeking how our life fits into God's story. Isn't that exciting???
Here's a favorite quote of mine from his prologue: "The Bible is a love story that begins with a divorce. Everything from the third chapter of Genesis through the end of Revelation is the story of a betrayed lover wooing us back into His arms so we can enjoy the love of family forever."
I can't wait to get started! And I promise to share insights along the way.
My prayer for each of us today is that as we set New Year's resolutions and begin a new year, with a fresh slate and a new beginning, is that we would seek to understand how our life fits into God's story, rather than how God fits into our life. By spending time in God's word each and every day, I believe we can understand that greater story more fully. Won't you join me in setting a goal for this new year to spend every day, at least a few minutes, reading the true source of power, fulfillment and joy for our lives? Come join me!
My list has been pretty much the same every year: eat healthier, exercise more, read more, pray more, watch less TV, gossip less, complain less, cuss less, drive better.
This year, I even added a few new ones: savor my time with Marshall before Baby 2 comes, organize closets to prepare for Baby 2, get to know other moms in the neighborhood better, and develop a gentle and quiet spirit (along the lines of no cussing, gossipping or complaining).
When I shared these resolutions with my smart, entrepreneurial business owner of a husband, he reminded me that when setting goals, they need to be measureable. He said none of those I mentioned were measurable. How, for example, can you measure a gentle and quiet spirit at the end of the year? Dang it.
So I admit, I'm not the greatest goal setter, especially when it means quantifying things. It feels too restrictive, too cumbersome, too performance-based. I want the freedom to "eat healthier" but splurge every now and then, to "exercise more" but take a few days off. So I'm never sure how to set measurable goals without allowing for some freedom and grace. That's probably a blog post in itself.
But there is one goal that I DO want to make measurable this year: spend time EVERY DAY in God's word. Why? Because I believe it is our main source of power, hope, joy, and fulfillment. Without it, we begin to shrivel. We are less able to be the unique individual God created us to be.
What's exciting is the way I'm going to hold myself accountable to this goal: through a group of blogging friends that want to do the same thing! We are going to read through the Bible in a year. Not only that, we are going to use a book by Larry Crabb, called "66 Love Letters", to help us get a better overview of each book of the Bible. Using the blog website, we will share insights from what we are learning with each other, questions, comments, or frustrations. Basically, we are there to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to read God's word everyday and learn from it.
I've already read the prologue from Larry Crabb's book. It's getting me PUMPED about starting my very first measurable new year's resolution! He talks about how the Bible is God's story. That through each of the 66 books of the Bible, He weaves an amazing story of His pursuit, love, redemption and grace for mankind. Every single book is necessary, even the tedious, boring ones like Leviticus and Numbers. He provides an overview that helps you understand God's story in each book.
What I love, more than anything, is how he says that we often, as Christians, get caught up in our own story. Our own house, family, jobs, day to day lives, etc. While that's nice and all, there is a story that is SO much greater, SO much richer, more fulfilling and more full of joy. It's God's story for our lives. And the only way to understand that story is to read it, to spend time in God's word, to pray that God would give us the understanding and insight into His story for our lives. Instead of seeking ways to fit God into our own life, we should be seeking how our life fits into God's story. Isn't that exciting???
Here's a favorite quote of mine from his prologue: "The Bible is a love story that begins with a divorce. Everything from the third chapter of Genesis through the end of Revelation is the story of a betrayed lover wooing us back into His arms so we can enjoy the love of family forever."
I can't wait to get started! And I promise to share insights along the way.
My prayer for each of us today is that as we set New Year's resolutions and begin a new year, with a fresh slate and a new beginning, is that we would seek to understand how our life fits into God's story, rather than how God fits into our life. By spending time in God's word each and every day, I believe we can understand that greater story more fully. Won't you join me in setting a goal for this new year to spend every day, at least a few minutes, reading the true source of power, fulfillment and joy for our lives? Come join me!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Getting into the Christmas Spirit
As usual, every year when Christmas rolls around, I'm caught off-guard by how busy the season is. I forget that I always wait too long to get my Christmas shopping done. I forget how quickly my calendar gets booked with Christmas parties and events (all fun things, of course, but hectic, especially now that we have to plan ahead for a babysitter!). I forget the stress of trying to work out travel dates and plans with both of our families for the holidays (thankfully, we treasure time with all of them, so the stress lies more in the planning for how we can make it possible to see everyone!).
What I forget, more than anything, is the real meaning of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, when December approaches, I try to get in the mood by turning on classical Christmas music. I try to bake more. I try to enjoy warm, fun drinks, like spiced tea or mocha peppermint lattes from Starbucks. I try to enjoy the process of putting up Christmas decorations and wrapping presents. I try to watch my favorite Christmas shows, like the claymation version of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer (I know, I need to enjoy the classics, but I just LOVE the animated claymation movies!).
Yet all of these things only give a hint of why we celebrate this season.
I've begun to realize that the best way I can reflect on the meaning of Christmas is by spending time in God's word. Through meditation, reflection and prayer, I can ask the Lord to remind me of what the precious gift of His Son really means to all of humanity.
Normally, I go to typical Christmas passages, like Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Or I read the Christmas story from one of the gospels, which begins: "She shall bring forth a son, and thou shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins."
But this year, God led me to less traditional Christmas passages, that didn't focus on HOW Jesus was born, but WHY Jesus was born.
Colossians 1:13 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:21-22 says, "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
So WHY was Jesus born?
To RESCUE us from the dominion of darkness. To RECONCILE us to God. TO REDEEM us. To FORGIVE us.
WHY was this necessary?
Because we were ALIENATED from God. We were living in the dominion of DARKNESS. We were ENEMIES of God because of our minds and our EVIL behavior.
What do we receive in return for His payment on the cross?
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blemish. FREE from accusation.
Now THIS is the true reason to celebrate Christmas.
I pray that this Christmas, we would look beyond the gifts, beyond the lights, beyond the decorations and baked goods and parties and shopping and families. I pray that we would reflect on the fact that there is NOTHING greater than celebrating the birth of Our Savior, who came to earth to REDEEM us, to RECONCILE us, and to FORGIVE us, so that we can be presented HOLY, WITHOUT blemish, and FREE from accusation. What a truly wonderful reason to celebrate!
What I forget, more than anything, is the real meaning of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, when December approaches, I try to get in the mood by turning on classical Christmas music. I try to bake more. I try to enjoy warm, fun drinks, like spiced tea or mocha peppermint lattes from Starbucks. I try to enjoy the process of putting up Christmas decorations and wrapping presents. I try to watch my favorite Christmas shows, like the claymation version of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer (I know, I need to enjoy the classics, but I just LOVE the animated claymation movies!).
Yet all of these things only give a hint of why we celebrate this season.
I've begun to realize that the best way I can reflect on the meaning of Christmas is by spending time in God's word. Through meditation, reflection and prayer, I can ask the Lord to remind me of what the precious gift of His Son really means to all of humanity.
Normally, I go to typical Christmas passages, like Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Or I read the Christmas story from one of the gospels, which begins: "She shall bring forth a son, and thou shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins."
But this year, God led me to less traditional Christmas passages, that didn't focus on HOW Jesus was born, but WHY Jesus was born.
Colossians 1:13 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:21-22 says, "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
So WHY was Jesus born?
To RESCUE us from the dominion of darkness. To RECONCILE us to God. TO REDEEM us. To FORGIVE us.
WHY was this necessary?
Because we were ALIENATED from God. We were living in the dominion of DARKNESS. We were ENEMIES of God because of our minds and our EVIL behavior.
What do we receive in return for His payment on the cross?
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blemish. FREE from accusation.
Now THIS is the true reason to celebrate Christmas.
I pray that this Christmas, we would look beyond the gifts, beyond the lights, beyond the decorations and baked goods and parties and shopping and families. I pray that we would reflect on the fact that there is NOTHING greater than celebrating the birth of Our Savior, who came to earth to REDEEM us, to RECONCILE us, and to FORGIVE us, so that we can be presented HOLY, WITHOUT blemish, and FREE from accusation. What a truly wonderful reason to celebrate!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I've Become a Fan of 19 Kids and Counting
So this blog post has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. But since Marshall has been napping well lately, I've had a little more down time (yippee!) and once I finished wrapping presents, baking cookies and decorating the house, for the past few days I've been able to slow down and enjoy a little down time.
During those wonderful quiet moments (I'm trying to cherish them now before Baby 2 comes!!!), one of my favorite things to do (after Bible study, of course!) is to watch one of my favorite shows. Lately I've been into Giada at Home. I am picky about my cooking shows, but there is something so elegant, peaceful and soothing about watching her cook. Her food, her demeanor, her entire presentation is so calming. I'm not much of a cook, preferring to buy pre-ordered and pre-prepackaged Dream Dinners over making my own, but I enjoy learning from her, even if I won't ever put it into practice.
And of course, there are a few trashy reality shows that I enjoy, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Kourtney ROCKS!) and Kendra (I love how she keeps it real!). My hubby just rolls his eyes when he sees me watching those shows. I don't think his Simpsons show is much better. Come on.
But one of my favorite shows, which is a bit more uplifting than my reality junk and even Giada's cooking is 19 Kids and Counting, the story of the Duggar family. I have officially become a fan.
Now, let me just say, like many critics of 19 Kids and Counting (the family gets bashed by the press a LOT!), I had a similar first impression when I started watching the show: they seem like a group of fundamentalist, backwards, homeschooled, unattractive and socially awkward kids with overly protective parents who aren't living in reality. They are very open about being Christians and at first, it made me cringe to think that as a Christian myself, I could be associated with them. But...I kept watching.
The first thing that won me over me was the love, tenderness and laughter shared between the parents, Jim and Michelle. Unlike reality shows I'd watched in the past with multiple kids (like Jon and Kate Plus 8 before they split!), there was no harshness, criticism, back biting or nagging. Instead, they were a team. They encouraged and supported one another. They jumped in where they saw a need and served. There was no complaining, no mean-spirited arguing, no selfishness that is so common in marriage, especially the ones portrayed on TV. And yes, I get that this is reality TV and perhaps they are just "acting." But raising 19 kids under one roof, whether you're surrounded by a team of cameramen or not is gonna bring out the worst in you at some point. And the "worst" in the Duggar family is still so amazingly humble and Christ-like.
More than anything, I see Jesus in every single one of them. I see how precious their family meals are together, how they celebrate each and every birthday like it's the most special day in the world (even though they have 19 to celebrate every year!), I see how the parents set aside 1 on 1 time with each child to make sure they get quality time with mom and dad. I see their family devotional times together, reading the Bible and praying, and it's not a rote, forced and boring thing, but an enjoyable, celebratory time to come together as a family and seek the Lord.
I'm especially amazed by the gentle and quiet spirit of Michelle Duggar, the mom. She's been through a lot. She'd had 19 children by NATURAL childbirth (no Epidural for her...wow!). She had preclempsia with 1 baby, causing her to be bed-ridden at 20 something weeks, with 15 other children to raise. Recently, her 19th baby, Josie, had to be delivered at 25 weeks. She had to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and stay with Josie at the hospital for 7 months while her husband, Jim Bob, took care of the kids back home (after they temporarily stayed in a guest house for a couple of months as a whole family). She had gall stones right AFTER all of the drama with Josie. She even admitted on TV that the pain was worse than labor. WOW! And yet, through all of these trials, I never once saw her get bitter or complain. Sure, it was hard and she wasn't trying to hide her weakness or struggles. But her dependence on the Lord was so steadfast and sure that she wasn't shaken by the challenges that came her way. I SO want that kind of faith and perserverance!
Even the little things, like the strict dress code they enforce (the girls wear long skirts and the boys wear long pants, no shorts or sleevess tops allowed for any of them!) no longer annoy me as much as it did at the beginning. At first, I thought perhaps they were judgmental about it, thinking others who didn't dress like they did were going to hell or something. But they've talked about their views and that's not it at all. It's only that they want to prevent their boys from stumbling and present their girls in a way they believe is God-honoring to their bodies, rather than sex symbols. And while I don't necessarily believe that wearing shorts or sleeveless tops is a bad thing, I can respect them for wanting to encourage purity and beauty, without showing skin. They do the same with TV, movies, magazines, books and the internet. Michelle has said, "We don't want garbage in their mouth, so why put it in their minds?" Kudos to her!
So if you haven't ever watched the show, I encourage you to give it a chance. And don't write them off after just 1 episode. Yes, they're a little socially awkward and not the most attractive or dynamic personalities that you're used to seeing on TV. But it's evident they love each other and they love Jesus. And as a mom, who's about to be expecting her second, it's so encouraging to see how this family does it, with 19 kids, loving each other well, depending on the Lord in all that they do. If Michelle and Jim Bob can raise 19 children, surely I can handle 2! And more than anything, I want others to notice the same thing in our family...Jesus. In our marriage, in our children, in our interactions, in our struggles, in our everyday lives, may Jesus receive praise, glory and honor!
During those wonderful quiet moments (I'm trying to cherish them now before Baby 2 comes!!!), one of my favorite things to do (after Bible study, of course!) is to watch one of my favorite shows. Lately I've been into Giada at Home. I am picky about my cooking shows, but there is something so elegant, peaceful and soothing about watching her cook. Her food, her demeanor, her entire presentation is so calming. I'm not much of a cook, preferring to buy pre-ordered and pre-prepackaged Dream Dinners over making my own, but I enjoy learning from her, even if I won't ever put it into practice.
And of course, there are a few trashy reality shows that I enjoy, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Kourtney ROCKS!) and Kendra (I love how she keeps it real!). My hubby just rolls his eyes when he sees me watching those shows. I don't think his Simpsons show is much better. Come on.
But one of my favorite shows, which is a bit more uplifting than my reality junk and even Giada's cooking is 19 Kids and Counting, the story of the Duggar family. I have officially become a fan.
Now, let me just say, like many critics of 19 Kids and Counting (the family gets bashed by the press a LOT!), I had a similar first impression when I started watching the show: they seem like a group of fundamentalist, backwards, homeschooled, unattractive and socially awkward kids with overly protective parents who aren't living in reality. They are very open about being Christians and at first, it made me cringe to think that as a Christian myself, I could be associated with them. But...I kept watching.
The first thing that won me over me was the love, tenderness and laughter shared between the parents, Jim and Michelle. Unlike reality shows I'd watched in the past with multiple kids (like Jon and Kate Plus 8 before they split!), there was no harshness, criticism, back biting or nagging. Instead, they were a team. They encouraged and supported one another. They jumped in where they saw a need and served. There was no complaining, no mean-spirited arguing, no selfishness that is so common in marriage, especially the ones portrayed on TV. And yes, I get that this is reality TV and perhaps they are just "acting." But raising 19 kids under one roof, whether you're surrounded by a team of cameramen or not is gonna bring out the worst in you at some point. And the "worst" in the Duggar family is still so amazingly humble and Christ-like.
More than anything, I see Jesus in every single one of them. I see how precious their family meals are together, how they celebrate each and every birthday like it's the most special day in the world (even though they have 19 to celebrate every year!), I see how the parents set aside 1 on 1 time with each child to make sure they get quality time with mom and dad. I see their family devotional times together, reading the Bible and praying, and it's not a rote, forced and boring thing, but an enjoyable, celebratory time to come together as a family and seek the Lord.
I'm especially amazed by the gentle and quiet spirit of Michelle Duggar, the mom. She's been through a lot. She'd had 19 children by NATURAL childbirth (no Epidural for her...wow!). She had preclempsia with 1 baby, causing her to be bed-ridden at 20 something weeks, with 15 other children to raise. Recently, her 19th baby, Josie, had to be delivered at 25 weeks. She had to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and stay with Josie at the hospital for 7 months while her husband, Jim Bob, took care of the kids back home (after they temporarily stayed in a guest house for a couple of months as a whole family). She had gall stones right AFTER all of the drama with Josie. She even admitted on TV that the pain was worse than labor. WOW! And yet, through all of these trials, I never once saw her get bitter or complain. Sure, it was hard and she wasn't trying to hide her weakness or struggles. But her dependence on the Lord was so steadfast and sure that she wasn't shaken by the challenges that came her way. I SO want that kind of faith and perserverance!
Even the little things, like the strict dress code they enforce (the girls wear long skirts and the boys wear long pants, no shorts or sleevess tops allowed for any of them!) no longer annoy me as much as it did at the beginning. At first, I thought perhaps they were judgmental about it, thinking others who didn't dress like they did were going to hell or something. But they've talked about their views and that's not it at all. It's only that they want to prevent their boys from stumbling and present their girls in a way they believe is God-honoring to their bodies, rather than sex symbols. And while I don't necessarily believe that wearing shorts or sleeveless tops is a bad thing, I can respect them for wanting to encourage purity and beauty, without showing skin. They do the same with TV, movies, magazines, books and the internet. Michelle has said, "We don't want garbage in their mouth, so why put it in their minds?" Kudos to her!
So if you haven't ever watched the show, I encourage you to give it a chance. And don't write them off after just 1 episode. Yes, they're a little socially awkward and not the most attractive or dynamic personalities that you're used to seeing on TV. But it's evident they love each other and they love Jesus. And as a mom, who's about to be expecting her second, it's so encouraging to see how this family does it, with 19 kids, loving each other well, depending on the Lord in all that they do. If Michelle and Jim Bob can raise 19 children, surely I can handle 2! And more than anything, I want others to notice the same thing in our family...Jesus. In our marriage, in our children, in our interactions, in our struggles, in our everyday lives, may Jesus receive praise, glory and honor!
Having 2 under 2...and SO thankful for God's grace!
Thrilled. Excited. Shocked. Nervous. Nauseous. Tired. Cranky. But ultimately, THANKFUL.
Yes, we are pregnant with Baby #2. Yes, that means we'll have 2 under 2. And nope...we didn't waste any time!
My main question is: CAN WE HANDLE THIS??!?!
I'm currently not getting much sleep as it is because our 11 month old likes to wake up at the crack of down every morning (around 5:30!). I'll thank my early rising hubby for passing along that gene (my friends and family know that DEFINITELY didn't come from me, someone who misses her Saturday morning sleep-ins 'til noon!). And when we travel, Marshall still wakes up several times a night. So these days I've been wondering...can I really handle another one!??!
Parents of two or more keep reassuring me that by the time Baby 2 is here, Marshall will be in a more consistent and manageable routine. Please, Lord, let that be the case! Most of y'all know what I'm like with little sleep...BEWARE!
Despite the chaos and sleep challenges that lie ahead...I am SO thankful. Thankful that Marshall gets to have a playmate so close in age. Thankful for the opportunity to learn how to be even LESS selfish with my time and expectations. But thankful, most of all, for this precious life inside me, when a few years ago, we weren't sure if that would ever be a possibility.
It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with Marshall. Like most women who walk down the infertility road, I struggled with a range of emotions. At first, it was no real surprise (since I knew things like hypothyroidism and an erratic cycle meant that pregnancy might be a challenge). As the months went by and friend after friend got pregnant with what seemed to me like such EASE, I began to grieve. That grief, at times, came out as jealousy. Jealousy of others getting what I so desperately wanted. (And just so you know...I wasn't the type who was eager to be a mom. But it was like one day, my internal clock went off and suddenly, I was ready! Then once I realized I might not be able to get pregnant, that made me want it even more. You know, the grass is greener mentality).
On most days, I tried to avoid thinking about it. But it seemed like everywhere I went, there were babies. Babies in strollers, babies in grocery carts, babies in Bjorns, babies in car seats, babies on mom's hip, movie stars having babies, family members having babies, friends having babies, TV commercials with babies. I couldn't get away from it.
I remember one day, I was in an exceptionally irritable mood (I'd like to attribute that to the fertility drugs I was on at the time, but I have a feeling it was just my own darn sinful nature). I felt angry at my body for not being "normal" and not being able to "perform" like every other female (or so it seemed!), so I figured I might as well be useful and do some nice, hard physical labor. In my anger, I went outside, on what was a crisp, fall afternoon, and began raking and bagging leaves. I went at it for atleast 4 hours. By the end, I had raked SEVENTEEN bags of leaves. And by bags, I mean those big, tall, Home Depot kind. So take that, you infertile body, you! Of course, I could barely walk, bend over or sit for the next 4 days. My husband sure didn't mind the yard work help, though!
While it seemed like forever in my mind, it was really only a few months after I started fertility treatments that I learned I was pregnant (I know many women have a MUCH longer road than I did). My first response was to fall down on my knees and thank God. I knew I didn't DESERVE this. I knew He didn't OWE me this. I knew I had been such a brat. Demanding my wants. Telling him MY timeline and what I thought was best for me. Deep down, I had actually feared that because of my "bad behavior" and "bad attitude," He would never let me get pregnant. I thought that until I became more "godly" in the midst of my struggle, He would never grant me my heart's desire.
What a lesson of grace. It was purely by God's love and undeserved mercy that I got pregnant. He saw my yuck. He saw my bratty attitude. He saw my heart. But He didn't turn away from me. He didn't say, "Well, SHE definitely doesn't deserve this." Instead, He chose to lavish me with love and bless me with a precious little boy that I DON'T deserve.
What I learned from that was...I so easily tend to believe that God responds to me based on how good I am. That He loves me based on how well I am DOING. That He will listen to my prayers, He will reward me, and He will bless me, as long as I am being a good person and doing the right things in His eyes. What's so comical about that is that even when I think I'm being a good person, my heart has impure motives. Pride. Judgement. Selfishness. Whatever it is, there is always an impure motive lurking deep within. It's part of being human. No matter how hard we try, we can NEVER really be wholly and purely "good." We can never reach that standard of perfection. We will always fall short, thanks to that darn sinful nature that's been around since The Fall.
But that's what makes GRACE that much more beautiful. Jesus paid the price we could never pay, Jesus died the death we could never die, Jesus forgave us, redeemed us, and brought us back to the fold of God. And that is something we could NEVER earn by our own doing.
So as we experience another season of Christmas and we celebrate the precious, holy birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray that we would be mindful of God's grace in our lives. I pray that you would know the deep, abounding love of our Father, who does not ignore us, who does not withold blessings until we are "good enough" but rather, wants to LAVISH us with love, joy, laughter and blessings because He DELIGHTS in us, because He CHERISHES us, because He LOVES us more deeply than we could ever dare to hope or imagine. And it's not because of anything we deserve or have earned, it's not by our own merit at all, but purely because of His amazing, awe-inspiring, and undeserving grace.
And for me...that grace is what is going to get me through each and every day, as I take care of 2 little ones under 2 come June. woo hoo!
Merry Christmas!
Yes, we are pregnant with Baby #2. Yes, that means we'll have 2 under 2. And nope...we didn't waste any time!
My main question is: CAN WE HANDLE THIS??!?!
I'm currently not getting much sleep as it is because our 11 month old likes to wake up at the crack of down every morning (around 5:30!). I'll thank my early rising hubby for passing along that gene (my friends and family know that DEFINITELY didn't come from me, someone who misses her Saturday morning sleep-ins 'til noon!). And when we travel, Marshall still wakes up several times a night. So these days I've been wondering...can I really handle another one!??!
Parents of two or more keep reassuring me that by the time Baby 2 is here, Marshall will be in a more consistent and manageable routine. Please, Lord, let that be the case! Most of y'all know what I'm like with little sleep...BEWARE!
Despite the chaos and sleep challenges that lie ahead...I am SO thankful. Thankful that Marshall gets to have a playmate so close in age. Thankful for the opportunity to learn how to be even LESS selfish with my time and expectations. But thankful, most of all, for this precious life inside me, when a few years ago, we weren't sure if that would ever be a possibility.
It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with Marshall. Like most women who walk down the infertility road, I struggled with a range of emotions. At first, it was no real surprise (since I knew things like hypothyroidism and an erratic cycle meant that pregnancy might be a challenge). As the months went by and friend after friend got pregnant with what seemed to me like such EASE, I began to grieve. That grief, at times, came out as jealousy. Jealousy of others getting what I so desperately wanted. (And just so you know...I wasn't the type who was eager to be a mom. But it was like one day, my internal clock went off and suddenly, I was ready! Then once I realized I might not be able to get pregnant, that made me want it even more. You know, the grass is greener mentality).
On most days, I tried to avoid thinking about it. But it seemed like everywhere I went, there were babies. Babies in strollers, babies in grocery carts, babies in Bjorns, babies in car seats, babies on mom's hip, movie stars having babies, family members having babies, friends having babies, TV commercials with babies. I couldn't get away from it.
I remember one day, I was in an exceptionally irritable mood (I'd like to attribute that to the fertility drugs I was on at the time, but I have a feeling it was just my own darn sinful nature). I felt angry at my body for not being "normal" and not being able to "perform" like every other female (or so it seemed!), so I figured I might as well be useful and do some nice, hard physical labor. In my anger, I went outside, on what was a crisp, fall afternoon, and began raking and bagging leaves. I went at it for atleast 4 hours. By the end, I had raked SEVENTEEN bags of leaves. And by bags, I mean those big, tall, Home Depot kind. So take that, you infertile body, you! Of course, I could barely walk, bend over or sit for the next 4 days. My husband sure didn't mind the yard work help, though!
While it seemed like forever in my mind, it was really only a few months after I started fertility treatments that I learned I was pregnant (I know many women have a MUCH longer road than I did). My first response was to fall down on my knees and thank God. I knew I didn't DESERVE this. I knew He didn't OWE me this. I knew I had been such a brat. Demanding my wants. Telling him MY timeline and what I thought was best for me. Deep down, I had actually feared that because of my "bad behavior" and "bad attitude," He would never let me get pregnant. I thought that until I became more "godly" in the midst of my struggle, He would never grant me my heart's desire.
What a lesson of grace. It was purely by God's love and undeserved mercy that I got pregnant. He saw my yuck. He saw my bratty attitude. He saw my heart. But He didn't turn away from me. He didn't say, "Well, SHE definitely doesn't deserve this." Instead, He chose to lavish me with love and bless me with a precious little boy that I DON'T deserve.
What I learned from that was...I so easily tend to believe that God responds to me based on how good I am. That He loves me based on how well I am DOING. That He will listen to my prayers, He will reward me, and He will bless me, as long as I am being a good person and doing the right things in His eyes. What's so comical about that is that even when I think I'm being a good person, my heart has impure motives. Pride. Judgement. Selfishness. Whatever it is, there is always an impure motive lurking deep within. It's part of being human. No matter how hard we try, we can NEVER really be wholly and purely "good." We can never reach that standard of perfection. We will always fall short, thanks to that darn sinful nature that's been around since The Fall.
But that's what makes GRACE that much more beautiful. Jesus paid the price we could never pay, Jesus died the death we could never die, Jesus forgave us, redeemed us, and brought us back to the fold of God. And that is something we could NEVER earn by our own doing.
So as we experience another season of Christmas and we celebrate the precious, holy birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray that we would be mindful of God's grace in our lives. I pray that you would know the deep, abounding love of our Father, who does not ignore us, who does not withold blessings until we are "good enough" but rather, wants to LAVISH us with love, joy, laughter and blessings because He DELIGHTS in us, because He CHERISHES us, because He LOVES us more deeply than we could ever dare to hope or imagine. And it's not because of anything we deserve or have earned, it's not by our own merit at all, but purely because of His amazing, awe-inspiring, and undeserving grace.
And for me...that grace is what is going to get me through each and every day, as I take care of 2 little ones under 2 come June. woo hoo!
Merry Christmas!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)