It's that time of year again. A new year has arrived with the promise of new hopes, challenges and unknowns. Most of us mentally prepare a list of things we want to accomplish or change about ourselves in the new year. It's a time to start fresh, with a clean slate, and begin again.
My list has been pretty much the same every year: eat healthier, exercise more, read more, pray more, watch less TV, gossip less, complain less, cuss less, drive better.
This year, I even added a few new ones: savor my time with Marshall before Baby 2 comes, organize closets to prepare for Baby 2, get to know other moms in the neighborhood better, and develop a gentle and quiet spirit (along the lines of no cussing, gossipping or complaining).
When I shared these resolutions with my smart, entrepreneurial business owner of a husband, he reminded me that when setting goals, they need to be measureable. He said none of those I mentioned were measurable. How, for example, can you measure a gentle and quiet spirit at the end of the year? Dang it.
So I admit, I'm not the greatest goal setter, especially when it means quantifying things. It feels too restrictive, too cumbersome, too performance-based. I want the freedom to "eat healthier" but splurge every now and then, to "exercise more" but take a few days off. So I'm never sure how to set measurable goals without allowing for some freedom and grace. That's probably a blog post in itself.
But there is one goal that I DO want to make measurable this year: spend time EVERY DAY in God's word. Why? Because I believe it is our main source of power, hope, joy, and fulfillment. Without it, we begin to shrivel. We are less able to be the unique individual God created us to be.
What's exciting is the way I'm going to hold myself accountable to this goal: through a group of blogging friends that want to do the same thing! We are going to read through the Bible in a year. Not only that, we are going to use a book by Larry Crabb, called "66 Love Letters", to help us get a better overview of each book of the Bible. Using the blog website, we will share insights from what we are learning with each other, questions, comments, or frustrations. Basically, we are there to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to read God's word everyday and learn from it.
I've already read the prologue from Larry Crabb's book. It's getting me PUMPED about starting my very first measurable new year's resolution! He talks about how the Bible is God's story. That through each of the 66 books of the Bible, He weaves an amazing story of His pursuit, love, redemption and grace for mankind. Every single book is necessary, even the tedious, boring ones like Leviticus and Numbers. He provides an overview that helps you understand God's story in each book.
What I love, more than anything, is how he says that we often, as Christians, get caught up in our own story. Our own house, family, jobs, day to day lives, etc. While that's nice and all, there is a story that is SO much greater, SO much richer, more fulfilling and more full of joy. It's God's story for our lives. And the only way to understand that story is to read it, to spend time in God's word, to pray that God would give us the understanding and insight into His story for our lives. Instead of seeking ways to fit God into our own life, we should be seeking how our life fits into God's story. Isn't that exciting???
Here's a favorite quote of mine from his prologue: "The Bible is a love story that begins with a divorce. Everything from the third chapter of Genesis through the end of Revelation is the story of a betrayed lover wooing us back into His arms so we can enjoy the love of family forever."
I can't wait to get started! And I promise to share insights along the way.
My prayer for each of us today is that as we set New Year's resolutions and begin a new year, with a fresh slate and a new beginning, is that we would seek to understand how our life fits into God's story, rather than how God fits into our life. By spending time in God's word each and every day, I believe we can understand that greater story more fully. Won't you join me in setting a goal for this new year to spend every day, at least a few minutes, reading the true source of power, fulfillment and joy for our lives? Come join me!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Getting into the Christmas Spirit
As usual, every year when Christmas rolls around, I'm caught off-guard by how busy the season is. I forget that I always wait too long to get my Christmas shopping done. I forget how quickly my calendar gets booked with Christmas parties and events (all fun things, of course, but hectic, especially now that we have to plan ahead for a babysitter!). I forget the stress of trying to work out travel dates and plans with both of our families for the holidays (thankfully, we treasure time with all of them, so the stress lies more in the planning for how we can make it possible to see everyone!).
What I forget, more than anything, is the real meaning of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, when December approaches, I try to get in the mood by turning on classical Christmas music. I try to bake more. I try to enjoy warm, fun drinks, like spiced tea or mocha peppermint lattes from Starbucks. I try to enjoy the process of putting up Christmas decorations and wrapping presents. I try to watch my favorite Christmas shows, like the claymation version of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer (I know, I need to enjoy the classics, but I just LOVE the animated claymation movies!).
Yet all of these things only give a hint of why we celebrate this season.
I've begun to realize that the best way I can reflect on the meaning of Christmas is by spending time in God's word. Through meditation, reflection and prayer, I can ask the Lord to remind me of what the precious gift of His Son really means to all of humanity.
Normally, I go to typical Christmas passages, like Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Or I read the Christmas story from one of the gospels, which begins: "She shall bring forth a son, and thou shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins."
But this year, God led me to less traditional Christmas passages, that didn't focus on HOW Jesus was born, but WHY Jesus was born.
Colossians 1:13 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:21-22 says, "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
So WHY was Jesus born?
To RESCUE us from the dominion of darkness. To RECONCILE us to God. TO REDEEM us. To FORGIVE us.
WHY was this necessary?
Because we were ALIENATED from God. We were living in the dominion of DARKNESS. We were ENEMIES of God because of our minds and our EVIL behavior.
What do we receive in return for His payment on the cross?
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blemish. FREE from accusation.
Now THIS is the true reason to celebrate Christmas.
I pray that this Christmas, we would look beyond the gifts, beyond the lights, beyond the decorations and baked goods and parties and shopping and families. I pray that we would reflect on the fact that there is NOTHING greater than celebrating the birth of Our Savior, who came to earth to REDEEM us, to RECONCILE us, and to FORGIVE us, so that we can be presented HOLY, WITHOUT blemish, and FREE from accusation. What a truly wonderful reason to celebrate!
What I forget, more than anything, is the real meaning of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, when December approaches, I try to get in the mood by turning on classical Christmas music. I try to bake more. I try to enjoy warm, fun drinks, like spiced tea or mocha peppermint lattes from Starbucks. I try to enjoy the process of putting up Christmas decorations and wrapping presents. I try to watch my favorite Christmas shows, like the claymation version of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer (I know, I need to enjoy the classics, but I just LOVE the animated claymation movies!).
Yet all of these things only give a hint of why we celebrate this season.
I've begun to realize that the best way I can reflect on the meaning of Christmas is by spending time in God's word. Through meditation, reflection and prayer, I can ask the Lord to remind me of what the precious gift of His Son really means to all of humanity.
Normally, I go to typical Christmas passages, like Isaiah 9:6, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
Or I read the Christmas story from one of the gospels, which begins: "She shall bring forth a son, and thou shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins."
But this year, God led me to less traditional Christmas passages, that didn't focus on HOW Jesus was born, but WHY Jesus was born.
Colossians 1:13 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:21-22 says, "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."
So WHY was Jesus born?
To RESCUE us from the dominion of darkness. To RECONCILE us to God. TO REDEEM us. To FORGIVE us.
WHY was this necessary?
Because we were ALIENATED from God. We were living in the dominion of DARKNESS. We were ENEMIES of God because of our minds and our EVIL behavior.
What do we receive in return for His payment on the cross?
We are HOLY in his sight. WITHOUT blemish. FREE from accusation.
Now THIS is the true reason to celebrate Christmas.
I pray that this Christmas, we would look beyond the gifts, beyond the lights, beyond the decorations and baked goods and parties and shopping and families. I pray that we would reflect on the fact that there is NOTHING greater than celebrating the birth of Our Savior, who came to earth to REDEEM us, to RECONCILE us, and to FORGIVE us, so that we can be presented HOLY, WITHOUT blemish, and FREE from accusation. What a truly wonderful reason to celebrate!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I've Become a Fan of 19 Kids and Counting
So this blog post has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. But since Marshall has been napping well lately, I've had a little more down time (yippee!) and once I finished wrapping presents, baking cookies and decorating the house, for the past few days I've been able to slow down and enjoy a little down time.
During those wonderful quiet moments (I'm trying to cherish them now before Baby 2 comes!!!), one of my favorite things to do (after Bible study, of course!) is to watch one of my favorite shows. Lately I've been into Giada at Home. I am picky about my cooking shows, but there is something so elegant, peaceful and soothing about watching her cook. Her food, her demeanor, her entire presentation is so calming. I'm not much of a cook, preferring to buy pre-ordered and pre-prepackaged Dream Dinners over making my own, but I enjoy learning from her, even if I won't ever put it into practice.
And of course, there are a few trashy reality shows that I enjoy, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Kourtney ROCKS!) and Kendra (I love how she keeps it real!). My hubby just rolls his eyes when he sees me watching those shows. I don't think his Simpsons show is much better. Come on.
But one of my favorite shows, which is a bit more uplifting than my reality junk and even Giada's cooking is 19 Kids and Counting, the story of the Duggar family. I have officially become a fan.
Now, let me just say, like many critics of 19 Kids and Counting (the family gets bashed by the press a LOT!), I had a similar first impression when I started watching the show: they seem like a group of fundamentalist, backwards, homeschooled, unattractive and socially awkward kids with overly protective parents who aren't living in reality. They are very open about being Christians and at first, it made me cringe to think that as a Christian myself, I could be associated with them. But...I kept watching.
The first thing that won me over me was the love, tenderness and laughter shared between the parents, Jim and Michelle. Unlike reality shows I'd watched in the past with multiple kids (like Jon and Kate Plus 8 before they split!), there was no harshness, criticism, back biting or nagging. Instead, they were a team. They encouraged and supported one another. They jumped in where they saw a need and served. There was no complaining, no mean-spirited arguing, no selfishness that is so common in marriage, especially the ones portrayed on TV. And yes, I get that this is reality TV and perhaps they are just "acting." But raising 19 kids under one roof, whether you're surrounded by a team of cameramen or not is gonna bring out the worst in you at some point. And the "worst" in the Duggar family is still so amazingly humble and Christ-like.
More than anything, I see Jesus in every single one of them. I see how precious their family meals are together, how they celebrate each and every birthday like it's the most special day in the world (even though they have 19 to celebrate every year!), I see how the parents set aside 1 on 1 time with each child to make sure they get quality time with mom and dad. I see their family devotional times together, reading the Bible and praying, and it's not a rote, forced and boring thing, but an enjoyable, celebratory time to come together as a family and seek the Lord.
I'm especially amazed by the gentle and quiet spirit of Michelle Duggar, the mom. She's been through a lot. She'd had 19 children by NATURAL childbirth (no Epidural for her...wow!). She had preclempsia with 1 baby, causing her to be bed-ridden at 20 something weeks, with 15 other children to raise. Recently, her 19th baby, Josie, had to be delivered at 25 weeks. She had to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and stay with Josie at the hospital for 7 months while her husband, Jim Bob, took care of the kids back home (after they temporarily stayed in a guest house for a couple of months as a whole family). She had gall stones right AFTER all of the drama with Josie. She even admitted on TV that the pain was worse than labor. WOW! And yet, through all of these trials, I never once saw her get bitter or complain. Sure, it was hard and she wasn't trying to hide her weakness or struggles. But her dependence on the Lord was so steadfast and sure that she wasn't shaken by the challenges that came her way. I SO want that kind of faith and perserverance!
Even the little things, like the strict dress code they enforce (the girls wear long skirts and the boys wear long pants, no shorts or sleevess tops allowed for any of them!) no longer annoy me as much as it did at the beginning. At first, I thought perhaps they were judgmental about it, thinking others who didn't dress like they did were going to hell or something. But they've talked about their views and that's not it at all. It's only that they want to prevent their boys from stumbling and present their girls in a way they believe is God-honoring to their bodies, rather than sex symbols. And while I don't necessarily believe that wearing shorts or sleeveless tops is a bad thing, I can respect them for wanting to encourage purity and beauty, without showing skin. They do the same with TV, movies, magazines, books and the internet. Michelle has said, "We don't want garbage in their mouth, so why put it in their minds?" Kudos to her!
So if you haven't ever watched the show, I encourage you to give it a chance. And don't write them off after just 1 episode. Yes, they're a little socially awkward and not the most attractive or dynamic personalities that you're used to seeing on TV. But it's evident they love each other and they love Jesus. And as a mom, who's about to be expecting her second, it's so encouraging to see how this family does it, with 19 kids, loving each other well, depending on the Lord in all that they do. If Michelle and Jim Bob can raise 19 children, surely I can handle 2! And more than anything, I want others to notice the same thing in our family...Jesus. In our marriage, in our children, in our interactions, in our struggles, in our everyday lives, may Jesus receive praise, glory and honor!
During those wonderful quiet moments (I'm trying to cherish them now before Baby 2 comes!!!), one of my favorite things to do (after Bible study, of course!) is to watch one of my favorite shows. Lately I've been into Giada at Home. I am picky about my cooking shows, but there is something so elegant, peaceful and soothing about watching her cook. Her food, her demeanor, her entire presentation is so calming. I'm not much of a cook, preferring to buy pre-ordered and pre-prepackaged Dream Dinners over making my own, but I enjoy learning from her, even if I won't ever put it into practice.
And of course, there are a few trashy reality shows that I enjoy, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians (Kourtney ROCKS!) and Kendra (I love how she keeps it real!). My hubby just rolls his eyes when he sees me watching those shows. I don't think his Simpsons show is much better. Come on.
But one of my favorite shows, which is a bit more uplifting than my reality junk and even Giada's cooking is 19 Kids and Counting, the story of the Duggar family. I have officially become a fan.
Now, let me just say, like many critics of 19 Kids and Counting (the family gets bashed by the press a LOT!), I had a similar first impression when I started watching the show: they seem like a group of fundamentalist, backwards, homeschooled, unattractive and socially awkward kids with overly protective parents who aren't living in reality. They are very open about being Christians and at first, it made me cringe to think that as a Christian myself, I could be associated with them. But...I kept watching.
The first thing that won me over me was the love, tenderness and laughter shared between the parents, Jim and Michelle. Unlike reality shows I'd watched in the past with multiple kids (like Jon and Kate Plus 8 before they split!), there was no harshness, criticism, back biting or nagging. Instead, they were a team. They encouraged and supported one another. They jumped in where they saw a need and served. There was no complaining, no mean-spirited arguing, no selfishness that is so common in marriage, especially the ones portrayed on TV. And yes, I get that this is reality TV and perhaps they are just "acting." But raising 19 kids under one roof, whether you're surrounded by a team of cameramen or not is gonna bring out the worst in you at some point. And the "worst" in the Duggar family is still so amazingly humble and Christ-like.
More than anything, I see Jesus in every single one of them. I see how precious their family meals are together, how they celebrate each and every birthday like it's the most special day in the world (even though they have 19 to celebrate every year!), I see how the parents set aside 1 on 1 time with each child to make sure they get quality time with mom and dad. I see their family devotional times together, reading the Bible and praying, and it's not a rote, forced and boring thing, but an enjoyable, celebratory time to come together as a family and seek the Lord.
I'm especially amazed by the gentle and quiet spirit of Michelle Duggar, the mom. She's been through a lot. She'd had 19 children by NATURAL childbirth (no Epidural for her...wow!). She had preclempsia with 1 baby, causing her to be bed-ridden at 20 something weeks, with 15 other children to raise. Recently, her 19th baby, Josie, had to be delivered at 25 weeks. She had to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and stay with Josie at the hospital for 7 months while her husband, Jim Bob, took care of the kids back home (after they temporarily stayed in a guest house for a couple of months as a whole family). She had gall stones right AFTER all of the drama with Josie. She even admitted on TV that the pain was worse than labor. WOW! And yet, through all of these trials, I never once saw her get bitter or complain. Sure, it was hard and she wasn't trying to hide her weakness or struggles. But her dependence on the Lord was so steadfast and sure that she wasn't shaken by the challenges that came her way. I SO want that kind of faith and perserverance!
Even the little things, like the strict dress code they enforce (the girls wear long skirts and the boys wear long pants, no shorts or sleevess tops allowed for any of them!) no longer annoy me as much as it did at the beginning. At first, I thought perhaps they were judgmental about it, thinking others who didn't dress like they did were going to hell or something. But they've talked about their views and that's not it at all. It's only that they want to prevent their boys from stumbling and present their girls in a way they believe is God-honoring to their bodies, rather than sex symbols. And while I don't necessarily believe that wearing shorts or sleeveless tops is a bad thing, I can respect them for wanting to encourage purity and beauty, without showing skin. They do the same with TV, movies, magazines, books and the internet. Michelle has said, "We don't want garbage in their mouth, so why put it in their minds?" Kudos to her!
So if you haven't ever watched the show, I encourage you to give it a chance. And don't write them off after just 1 episode. Yes, they're a little socially awkward and not the most attractive or dynamic personalities that you're used to seeing on TV. But it's evident they love each other and they love Jesus. And as a mom, who's about to be expecting her second, it's so encouraging to see how this family does it, with 19 kids, loving each other well, depending on the Lord in all that they do. If Michelle and Jim Bob can raise 19 children, surely I can handle 2! And more than anything, I want others to notice the same thing in our family...Jesus. In our marriage, in our children, in our interactions, in our struggles, in our everyday lives, may Jesus receive praise, glory and honor!
Having 2 under 2...and SO thankful for God's grace!
Thrilled. Excited. Shocked. Nervous. Nauseous. Tired. Cranky. But ultimately, THANKFUL.
Yes, we are pregnant with Baby #2. Yes, that means we'll have 2 under 2. And nope...we didn't waste any time!
My main question is: CAN WE HANDLE THIS??!?!
I'm currently not getting much sleep as it is because our 11 month old likes to wake up at the crack of down every morning (around 5:30!). I'll thank my early rising hubby for passing along that gene (my friends and family know that DEFINITELY didn't come from me, someone who misses her Saturday morning sleep-ins 'til noon!). And when we travel, Marshall still wakes up several times a night. So these days I've been wondering...can I really handle another one!??!
Parents of two or more keep reassuring me that by the time Baby 2 is here, Marshall will be in a more consistent and manageable routine. Please, Lord, let that be the case! Most of y'all know what I'm like with little sleep...BEWARE!
Despite the chaos and sleep challenges that lie ahead...I am SO thankful. Thankful that Marshall gets to have a playmate so close in age. Thankful for the opportunity to learn how to be even LESS selfish with my time and expectations. But thankful, most of all, for this precious life inside me, when a few years ago, we weren't sure if that would ever be a possibility.
It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with Marshall. Like most women who walk down the infertility road, I struggled with a range of emotions. At first, it was no real surprise (since I knew things like hypothyroidism and an erratic cycle meant that pregnancy might be a challenge). As the months went by and friend after friend got pregnant with what seemed to me like such EASE, I began to grieve. That grief, at times, came out as jealousy. Jealousy of others getting what I so desperately wanted. (And just so you know...I wasn't the type who was eager to be a mom. But it was like one day, my internal clock went off and suddenly, I was ready! Then once I realized I might not be able to get pregnant, that made me want it even more. You know, the grass is greener mentality).
On most days, I tried to avoid thinking about it. But it seemed like everywhere I went, there were babies. Babies in strollers, babies in grocery carts, babies in Bjorns, babies in car seats, babies on mom's hip, movie stars having babies, family members having babies, friends having babies, TV commercials with babies. I couldn't get away from it.
I remember one day, I was in an exceptionally irritable mood (I'd like to attribute that to the fertility drugs I was on at the time, but I have a feeling it was just my own darn sinful nature). I felt angry at my body for not being "normal" and not being able to "perform" like every other female (or so it seemed!), so I figured I might as well be useful and do some nice, hard physical labor. In my anger, I went outside, on what was a crisp, fall afternoon, and began raking and bagging leaves. I went at it for atleast 4 hours. By the end, I had raked SEVENTEEN bags of leaves. And by bags, I mean those big, tall, Home Depot kind. So take that, you infertile body, you! Of course, I could barely walk, bend over or sit for the next 4 days. My husband sure didn't mind the yard work help, though!
While it seemed like forever in my mind, it was really only a few months after I started fertility treatments that I learned I was pregnant (I know many women have a MUCH longer road than I did). My first response was to fall down on my knees and thank God. I knew I didn't DESERVE this. I knew He didn't OWE me this. I knew I had been such a brat. Demanding my wants. Telling him MY timeline and what I thought was best for me. Deep down, I had actually feared that because of my "bad behavior" and "bad attitude," He would never let me get pregnant. I thought that until I became more "godly" in the midst of my struggle, He would never grant me my heart's desire.
What a lesson of grace. It was purely by God's love and undeserved mercy that I got pregnant. He saw my yuck. He saw my bratty attitude. He saw my heart. But He didn't turn away from me. He didn't say, "Well, SHE definitely doesn't deserve this." Instead, He chose to lavish me with love and bless me with a precious little boy that I DON'T deserve.
What I learned from that was...I so easily tend to believe that God responds to me based on how good I am. That He loves me based on how well I am DOING. That He will listen to my prayers, He will reward me, and He will bless me, as long as I am being a good person and doing the right things in His eyes. What's so comical about that is that even when I think I'm being a good person, my heart has impure motives. Pride. Judgement. Selfishness. Whatever it is, there is always an impure motive lurking deep within. It's part of being human. No matter how hard we try, we can NEVER really be wholly and purely "good." We can never reach that standard of perfection. We will always fall short, thanks to that darn sinful nature that's been around since The Fall.
But that's what makes GRACE that much more beautiful. Jesus paid the price we could never pay, Jesus died the death we could never die, Jesus forgave us, redeemed us, and brought us back to the fold of God. And that is something we could NEVER earn by our own doing.
So as we experience another season of Christmas and we celebrate the precious, holy birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray that we would be mindful of God's grace in our lives. I pray that you would know the deep, abounding love of our Father, who does not ignore us, who does not withold blessings until we are "good enough" but rather, wants to LAVISH us with love, joy, laughter and blessings because He DELIGHTS in us, because He CHERISHES us, because He LOVES us more deeply than we could ever dare to hope or imagine. And it's not because of anything we deserve or have earned, it's not by our own merit at all, but purely because of His amazing, awe-inspiring, and undeserving grace.
And for me...that grace is what is going to get me through each and every day, as I take care of 2 little ones under 2 come June. woo hoo!
Merry Christmas!
Yes, we are pregnant with Baby #2. Yes, that means we'll have 2 under 2. And nope...we didn't waste any time!
My main question is: CAN WE HANDLE THIS??!?!
I'm currently not getting much sleep as it is because our 11 month old likes to wake up at the crack of down every morning (around 5:30!). I'll thank my early rising hubby for passing along that gene (my friends and family know that DEFINITELY didn't come from me, someone who misses her Saturday morning sleep-ins 'til noon!). And when we travel, Marshall still wakes up several times a night. So these days I've been wondering...can I really handle another one!??!
Parents of two or more keep reassuring me that by the time Baby 2 is here, Marshall will be in a more consistent and manageable routine. Please, Lord, let that be the case! Most of y'all know what I'm like with little sleep...BEWARE!
Despite the chaos and sleep challenges that lie ahead...I am SO thankful. Thankful that Marshall gets to have a playmate so close in age. Thankful for the opportunity to learn how to be even LESS selfish with my time and expectations. But thankful, most of all, for this precious life inside me, when a few years ago, we weren't sure if that would ever be a possibility.
It took us almost 2 years to get pregnant with Marshall. Like most women who walk down the infertility road, I struggled with a range of emotions. At first, it was no real surprise (since I knew things like hypothyroidism and an erratic cycle meant that pregnancy might be a challenge). As the months went by and friend after friend got pregnant with what seemed to me like such EASE, I began to grieve. That grief, at times, came out as jealousy. Jealousy of others getting what I so desperately wanted. (And just so you know...I wasn't the type who was eager to be a mom. But it was like one day, my internal clock went off and suddenly, I was ready! Then once I realized I might not be able to get pregnant, that made me want it even more. You know, the grass is greener mentality).
On most days, I tried to avoid thinking about it. But it seemed like everywhere I went, there were babies. Babies in strollers, babies in grocery carts, babies in Bjorns, babies in car seats, babies on mom's hip, movie stars having babies, family members having babies, friends having babies, TV commercials with babies. I couldn't get away from it.
I remember one day, I was in an exceptionally irritable mood (I'd like to attribute that to the fertility drugs I was on at the time, but I have a feeling it was just my own darn sinful nature). I felt angry at my body for not being "normal" and not being able to "perform" like every other female (or so it seemed!), so I figured I might as well be useful and do some nice, hard physical labor. In my anger, I went outside, on what was a crisp, fall afternoon, and began raking and bagging leaves. I went at it for atleast 4 hours. By the end, I had raked SEVENTEEN bags of leaves. And by bags, I mean those big, tall, Home Depot kind. So take that, you infertile body, you! Of course, I could barely walk, bend over or sit for the next 4 days. My husband sure didn't mind the yard work help, though!
While it seemed like forever in my mind, it was really only a few months after I started fertility treatments that I learned I was pregnant (I know many women have a MUCH longer road than I did). My first response was to fall down on my knees and thank God. I knew I didn't DESERVE this. I knew He didn't OWE me this. I knew I had been such a brat. Demanding my wants. Telling him MY timeline and what I thought was best for me. Deep down, I had actually feared that because of my "bad behavior" and "bad attitude," He would never let me get pregnant. I thought that until I became more "godly" in the midst of my struggle, He would never grant me my heart's desire.
What a lesson of grace. It was purely by God's love and undeserved mercy that I got pregnant. He saw my yuck. He saw my bratty attitude. He saw my heart. But He didn't turn away from me. He didn't say, "Well, SHE definitely doesn't deserve this." Instead, He chose to lavish me with love and bless me with a precious little boy that I DON'T deserve.
What I learned from that was...I so easily tend to believe that God responds to me based on how good I am. That He loves me based on how well I am DOING. That He will listen to my prayers, He will reward me, and He will bless me, as long as I am being a good person and doing the right things in His eyes. What's so comical about that is that even when I think I'm being a good person, my heart has impure motives. Pride. Judgement. Selfishness. Whatever it is, there is always an impure motive lurking deep within. It's part of being human. No matter how hard we try, we can NEVER really be wholly and purely "good." We can never reach that standard of perfection. We will always fall short, thanks to that darn sinful nature that's been around since The Fall.
But that's what makes GRACE that much more beautiful. Jesus paid the price we could never pay, Jesus died the death we could never die, Jesus forgave us, redeemed us, and brought us back to the fold of God. And that is something we could NEVER earn by our own doing.
So as we experience another season of Christmas and we celebrate the precious, holy birth of Jesus Christ, Son of God, I pray that we would be mindful of God's grace in our lives. I pray that you would know the deep, abounding love of our Father, who does not ignore us, who does not withold blessings until we are "good enough" but rather, wants to LAVISH us with love, joy, laughter and blessings because He DELIGHTS in us, because He CHERISHES us, because He LOVES us more deeply than we could ever dare to hope or imagine. And it's not because of anything we deserve or have earned, it's not by our own merit at all, but purely because of His amazing, awe-inspiring, and undeserving grace.
And for me...that grace is what is going to get me through each and every day, as I take care of 2 little ones under 2 come June. woo hoo!
Merry Christmas!
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