When in Love

I'm currently reading a challenging book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It challenges American Christians of being "lukewarm" in their faith, being "cultural" Christians who are unwilling to surrender everything (money, time, goals, work, social circles, expectations, children, etc.) to the will of the Lord. It calls for us to be more than Sunday morning Christians, but to live out the gospel of faith, love and truth 24/7 and be willing to give all of our resources to building the Kingdom of God. It's been a convicting read and good for my soul. One chapter, titled, "Being in Love" has especially challenged me. Chan makes the point that when we're in love, we enjoy just BEING with that person. It doesn't matter what we're doing, where we are or what we want to "get out" of our time together..because we just enjoy knowing that person better and spending time with them. That challenged me on two fronts. I asked myself, "Do I do that with my husband? Do I do that with God?" My husband and I had a nice little get-away this weekend without kids. We went to San Antonio to just have some sweet, quality time together. It was lovely. But I nearly turned one part of the trip into an unncessary fight. We decided to walk to dinner, instead of drive, knowing it would be a long walk (20 minutes or so), but in no rush and wanting to spend time together. My expectation going into the walk was that we would be following the Riverwalk, so it would be beautifully soothing and romantic. His expectation was that we would go the most efficient and quickest way possible, which meant cutting through an industrial section of town that involved passing by buildings covered in graffiti, bars on the windows and high fences with razor-sharp wire. I found myself growing annoyed and critical at his decision and the unromantic atmosphere. But the Lord brought to mind Chan's chapter on what it means to be in love. I thought, here we are, on this get-away weekend together, with no real agenda except to enjoy one another and spend quality time together. Sooo...it doesn't matter WHERE we are or WHAT we're doing. This is the man I love more than anyone on earth and I want to enjoy just BEING with him. So I was able to laugh off the walk and enjoy time with him. (Side note: we did, however, take the scenic route on the Riverwalk on the way back!) The same challenge goes for my relationship with the Lord. How often do I go to God with demands. Prayer requests, issues I'm having with my children, my family, my own sinful tendencies. But how rarely do I just enjoy spending time with Him? Reading His word with the purpose of KNOWING Him better, ENJOYING Him, PRAISING Him for the beautiful, majestic God He is. Even in my quiet times, I often have an agenda, combining Bible study prep, mentoring prep, prayer list additions, etc. I have been challenged, especially during this Easter Lenten season, to just go to Him because I love Him, because I enjoy spending time with Him, because He is majestic and lovely and just and holy and righteous and perfect and He deserves all my praise.

Demons and Pigs

I've been reading through the book of Mark lately (or I should say listening...has anyone else figured out the awesome Bible app? You can choose a translation that has the audio option and it will play the Bible outloud for you! As a mom of 2 little ones who doesn't always have time to read Scripture everyday...yes, I'm guilty...I LOVE LOVE LOVE being able to play the Bible outloud as I cook, shower, get dressed, feed my kiddos, or drive around with them in the car. Try the Bible app (You version) if you haven't yet. Great way to get some Scripture in during a busy day!) Anyways...I digress...this passage from Mark 5 stood out to me today: The demons begged him, "Send us to the pigs so we can live in them." Jesus gave the order. But it was even worse for the pigs than for the man. Crazed, they stampeded over a cliff into the sea and drowned. They came up to Jesus and saw the madman sitting there wearing decent clothes and making sense, no longer a walking madhouse of a man. Those who had seen it told the others what had happened to the demon-possessed man and the pigs. At first they were in awe-and then they were upset, upset over the drowned pigs. They demanded that Jesus leave and not come back. (Mark 5:12, 13, 15-17 MSG) After reading that, I am reminded of the power, ugliness and reality of evil. Satan's ultimate desire is to steal, kill and destroy. When the demons were released, they KILLED the pigs. That is what Satan is aiming for. Our ultimate death and destruction. Ugh. It's easy to forget that evil exists in my daily life. I say this not to make myself fearful, but to be alert, to stand guard, to "put on the armor of God." Evil is real. Satan is real. He desires that we worship ANYTHING but God. Ourselves. Our children. Material things. Success. Sex. Food. Wine. Friends. One of my favorite quotes is "when a good thing becomes a God thing, it is a bad thing." Lord Jesus, open my eyes to the evil around me. I pray for Your protection over my family, my marriage, my friendships, and my own heart. Thank You, Jesus, that You are light and with You there is no darkness. I pray that I and my family would walk in the light, not in the darkness. And as a side note...did you notice how the people who saw Jesus perform this miracle were temporarily in awe, but then upset over the drowned pigs? Even in that case, we can see how their heart was more attached to their business - money-making pigs, than knowing Jesus as Lord of their life. Let my priorities be correctly aligned according to Your will, Lord!

Good morning, moms. I want to pose a question to all of you this morning...is it just me or do you see yourself getting angry more than you ever have with your own kids? I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but at the same time, I'm thinking that surely someone else experiences this? Let me back up and say...80 percent of my day with my precious littles ones is rich, fulfilling and fun. Sometimes mundane, but mostly enjoyable. But there is that other 20 percent when I want to rip out my hair, throw something, or cuss because both kids are whining, fussing, throwing tantrums (my 2 year old, mostly) and I finally snap. I usually try to reign it in and cuss in the other room, but I'm sure Marshall senses my frustration. It's not my most attractive quality, I'll admit. It's making me turn to the Lord more and ask for help. But even that, especially in the moment, is difficult. I've tried to meditate on Scripture such as "lead me to the rock that is higher than I" and "no temptation has seized you except what is common to man" and "anger does not produce the righteousness of God" so that I can quote that in the moment...but it doesn't always help. I even tried to get up earlier yesterday morning - 5:30 am - to be able to have some time in prayer and Scripture before the kids woke up (which is usually 6am!). But they were up by 5:40. Ugh. Basically, I am seeing my sin and the feeling the weight of parenting right now. I still love it. I still know it's what I'm meant to do. But it is hard not to get frustrated and angry in the moment. I had a fun girls' brunch this weekend (dad watched both kiddoes!) and I even asked them - is this normal? Are my expectations too high? Should i just be okay with the tantrums and messy house and whining and not let it get to me? Some of them said yes, some suggested getting more down time, and some encouraged dad to take on more responsibility. But ultimately, whatever the answer is, I know that this phase, as hard as it is and as angry as I can get, is making me turn to the Lord and seek His help. Oh goodness!!! If any of you can relate...I'd love to hear comments!!!

Joy in the Terrible Twos

After an exhausting, but joyful week in St. Louis playing with 7 cousins, lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and a fun-loving golden retriever, we were pooped. Not to mention, Marshall, our fiesty almost two year old, is going through a serious testing phase. Hitting kids, throwing things, destroying anything he can get his hands on. We're trying to stay on top of discipline, but it's hard, especially when you're away from home and it's not always easy or convenient to follow through. So after a week of tantrums, kicking, hitting, screaming, whining, climbing out of the pack n play, coming down the stairs by himself, not sleeping or napping well, we were about to tear our hair out. It was a not a fun place to be as a stay at home mom, when I knew what I had to look forward to - a full week with him at home with no Mother's Day Out or planned activities because it was still the holiday season. Ugh. We had a playdate today with a dear friend who is a little bit ahead of me in the parenting stage. She has 5 kids (wow!) ranging around 9, 7, 5, 3, and a newborn. I wasn't sure what I expected when I walked into her home, but I sure didn't expect a joyful, calm atmosphere. But it WAS! She served me coffee, we had a good chat (until my 2 year old started demanding my attention) and she just oozed joy, peace, and contentment in her role as a mom. I was in awe as I looked around her house and saw how orderly everything was. There were 2 bedrooms with 2 kids each, then one for the nursery. All were cutely decorated, but amazingly clean and organized. There was a play area that was filled with fun toys but also orderly. I was in awe. After a good chat on the couch, we went downstairs to the breakfast room and fed all the kids lunch. The girls stopped playing their wedding songs and marrying off their dolls (hilarious!) to join us. They got out a card game that asked good conversation questions like "What qualities do you relate to in your mom and your dad?" I was amazed at how articulate the girls could be. I was amazed that everyone sat there and ate their lunch so calmly. I was amazed at how clean and orderly and efficient her household was. I was amazed at her for having 5 children and being joyful about it. Maybe it's because her girls are the oldest (the two boys are the youngest). But I doubt that's it. Like everyone says, this is a phase. Right now, I'm in a really difficult one with Marshall. I'm exhausted from time outs. I'm exhausted from giving him the talk about consequences, why he's being disciplined and praying for forgiveness with him afterwards. I'm irritated when he keeps testing again and again even after being disciplined. I'm irritated when he kicks me, throws his food on the floor, or hits his sister (which all 3 happen quite often, even with discipline!). I'm flat out irritated and annoyed at him for much of the day. But there are also still sweet times, when I love being with him and love being his mommy. Visiting my friend reminded me that everything is a phase with parenting. Some day, hopefully, I will be sitting down at the breakfast table, enjoying conversation with my children without having to worry about whether they hit each other or throw their food on the floor. Instead, we will probably be dealing with bickering, complaining or arguing. But man, that sure sounds better to me at this point. ha! Lord Jesus, thank you for this Christmas season. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for our sins. During these tough parenting days, I see how irritable I am, how short-tempered I can be, how impatient and frustrated and angry I can get, and I realize that You love us as a parent, but without ever losing your temper. You are patient with us, even when we don't deserve it. You discipline us in love, without getting angry. Thank you for the blessing of children and as challenging and as exhausting it can be, there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing. Next time Marshall kicks me, I'll have to remind myself of that one...then take him into his room for a little chat. :)

Forgetting the CHRIST in CHRISTmas

Why is it in this season of CHRISTmas that I am the LEAST joyful and the LEAST CHRISTlike??? I relate to Martha, as opposed to Mary, in the story from the gospels, in her rushing about, getting last minute Christmas errands done. That in itself, is not necessarily a bad thing, but my heart attitude is IRRITABLE, ANNOYED and ANGRY. I HATE Christmas shopping. Hello Grinch, I know. I am just not a gifts person to begin with, but I really don't mind buying for birthdays because it is ONE person you can focus on and really think through something they like. But Christmas shopping means buying for TONS of adults and all different aged kids (14, to be exact!)...and honestly, I just don't ever know what to get. So I end up putting it all off until the last minute, then frantically buying some junk that I spend way too much on and don't know if they will even like it or use it. So in the end, I am just frustrated and annoyed. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! It is also always around this time that I stroll past the Salvation Army guy ringing the bell, waiting for a small donation and my two children are melting down, I am TICKED off, and I have to give that guy a big smile and wave, as if to say, "maybe next time I'll throw some money in your bucket!" So after one of those frantic shopping days today (I felt that I needed to buy just one more item for my sisters-in-law because my other present for them wasn't quite good enough), here I was, standing in the check-out line of Macy's, as my 2 year old begins grabbing everything off the rack and my 6 month old starts to scream because it was time to eat. By the time I got home, not only did my kids need time-outs, but so did mommy! I knew that was a sign I needed to spend some serious time in God's word. I came to these verses in 2 Timothy: So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ. Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing. Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness-faith, love, peace-joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. (2 Timothy 2:1, 15, 21, 22, 24-26 MSG) Oh Lord, help me, even in this busy Christmas season, to throw myself into this work for Christ (not for myself!). Help me to concentrate on doing my BEST for You, work you won't be ashamed of. Help me to be a BLESSING to my family as we spend time over the holidays. Rather than thinking about myself and worrying about whether my gifts are "good enough", help me to be prayerfully thinking about them and asking them questions, loving them well, listening and encouraging them through my words and actions, mostly, seeking to bring You glory through my interactions and conversations. Help me, especially, with my own children, not to argue with them (have you ever tried to reason with a screaming 2 year old???), but be a gentle listener (empathetic, even when I am disciplining them) and be a mother who KEEPS COOL, working firmly but PATIENTLY with those who refuse to obey (my own children!). Oh Lord Jesus, thank you for the truth of Your word in the midst of a chaotic season and the deep reminder how much we need Jesus!

Loving My Husband Well

I've been challenged lately to think first of my role as wife before mother. For some reason, it comes more natural for me to think of my children before myself. When they're sick, I get up in the middle of the night and tend to their needs, often without much grumbling and complaining. But when my hubby is sick, do I tend to his needs without grumbling or complaining, or do I think to myself "suck it up" and "I'm tired, too, so too bad." I admit, it just doesn't come as naturally to put his needs before my own. But lately, that's exactly what I am learning to do through studying God's word. I believe God calls us as married women and mothers to be WIVES first and mothers second. We are "one flesh" with our husbands and called to love, serve, submit to and respect them. It's easy to love my children, even on a day when I'm tired and irritable. It's not as easy to love my husband well on those days. I've been challenged by the well-known 1 Corinthians 13 text on love in this way: Love is patient. Am I patient when my hubby is driving and allow him to go the way he wants to (even if it might be longer) or do I jump to criticize and direct him? Love is kind. Am I kind to my husband, even when I am tired, irritable, sick, or just having a bad day? Love does not envy. Do I envy his opportunity to go to work all day (even though I know his job is not easy by any means) or am I thankful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and be the primary influence on my kids, with the hopes that they will know Jesus and share his love with others. Love does not boast. Do I boast in my own works when he gets home by telling him what errands I ran for him that day, what chores I did around the house, how hard the meal was that I prepared for him, or do I keep quiet and allow the acts themselves to bless him? Love is not proud. Am I willing to apologize first, even when I feel wronged? Love does not dishonor others. Do I lift up my husband in the eyes of my family, my friends and acquaintances, or do I belittle him with my words? Love is not self-seeking. Do I think of my own needs first and expect him to help with the kids as soon as he gets home from work or do I think of his needs, ask about his day, and seek ways to serve him? Love is not easily angered. Do I jump to anger and defensiveness when my husband offers a suggestion, especially in regards to the kids, or do I respect his opinion and listen without feeling judged? Love keeps no record of wrongs. Do I mentally keep score in my head of all the ways my husband isn't helping out around the house or do I focus on ways to serve him in areas he might not expect and surprise him with random acts of service? Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I deliberately or passively encourage my husband to sin in any area of his life, or do I pray for him, speak scripture to him, and edify him with my words and actions? Love always protects. Do I seek to protect him in the eyes of my family, friends, and even our children, or do I tear him down with my words or actions? Love always trusts. Do I trust him, even when my heart is questionning whether he is doing the right thing, or do I give it to the Lord in prayer and humbly submit as a loving wife and follow his lead? Love always hopes. Am I hopeful in who he is becoming, as a man of God, or do I focus on the sinful aspects and forget that God is doing a good work in him and will perfect it until completion? Love always perserveres. Do I perservere in prayer for him, faithfulness to him, service to him, encouragement to him, and love for him, or am I quick to throw in the towel and not believe that God is doing a great and mighty work in my husband? As I said...1 Corinthians 13 has shed new light on what it means to love my husband well. Thank you, Lord, that your Word is living and active and constantly brings new and wonderful insights to every area of my life!

Extra Grace Required Week

I should've known as soon as I opened my mouth to a good friend and said, "You know, I think my son (who's almost 2) might actually be over the hump of defiance." It was a good week. He'd been super obedient. No fights over toys with his buddies. No tantrums when it was time to come inside. No hitting or tugging on his little sister. A SUPER week! But I'm learning that doesn't mean much in toddler time. Because this week...he has been an all out terror. Grabbing breakable things off the counter, pulling everything out of the pantry, pushing and hitting other kids, and today's latest...as I was frantically trying to get out the door to make it to my Wednesday morning Bible study (how ironic)...he proceeded to dump my freshly made hot cup of coffee onto the living room rug. I just about unleashed on him...then went off to study the Bible with a bunch of godly women. Ha! I'm taken aback by how different this week is from last week. Perhaps he's tired? Not feeling well? Not getting enough attention from me? Who knows. All I know is, this is an extra grace required week. It's hard for me not to get angry at him when he acts like this. It's hard to not take it out on him, either outwardly, by snapping at him, or passive aggressively, by giving him the silent treatment. This comes at an interesting time, when I've been reading through the Sermon on the Mount and see how Jesus challenges the crowd by saying, "You know that the Law says 'Do not murder', but I say, 'If anyone is angry towards his brother, he is committing murder in his heart.'" Do you hear how high of a standard that is? Jesus is saying that not only should we not murder, but that we should not be angry at anyone. And when we are angry towards someone, we are committing murder in our heart against them. Ouch. So basically, I am guilty of committing murder in my heart towards my own son. Yikes. But what a crazy, impossible standard! Who could live up to that? Who doesn't get angry? Even someone like Mother Teresa, as amazing as she was, was surely angry at "her brother" at some point in her life. So even she is guilty of committing murder in her heart? YES! So how can we ever live up to this standard? We CAN'T! And that's exactly the point. It's impossible. That's what Jesus was telling people, especially the Pharisees, the extremely religious ones, who thought they were "good enough" to get to God. He's challenging them to realize that even their best intentions are laced with evil motives. Even when we don't say what we're thinking, we feel things that are not pleasing to God, that are in direct opposition to God. Jesus was showing them (and us!) that it is flat out IMPOSSIBLE to be good enough to earn out way to God. Our hearts are full of malice and evil. Without Jesus, we are not God-honoring. We cannot please God. Only through the blood of Christ, only by His redeeming work on the cross, can we be made righteous and be acceptable to God. Jesus makes us acceptable. Jesus makes us clean. Jesus makes us righteous. So I am reminded this week...as my toddler tests me over and over again and my natural tendency is to react in anger...I will try to remember what Jesus did for me. I will try to remember that He bled and died on the cross, taking my place, being a perfect man and a perfect God, living a perfect life - something that I could never do - to provide a way for me to be in relationship with God, since I could never do it on my own. It is an opportunity to worship, to thank Jesus for saving me from my sin, to thank God for loving me despite of myself, to thank Him for being my Savior and remembering that I am nothing without Him!