Joy in the Terrible Twos

After an exhausting, but joyful week in St. Louis playing with 7 cousins, lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and a fun-loving golden retriever, we were pooped. Not to mention, Marshall, our fiesty almost two year old, is going through a serious testing phase. Hitting kids, throwing things, destroying anything he can get his hands on. We're trying to stay on top of discipline, but it's hard, especially when you're away from home and it's not always easy or convenient to follow through. So after a week of tantrums, kicking, hitting, screaming, whining, climbing out of the pack n play, coming down the stairs by himself, not sleeping or napping well, we were about to tear our hair out. It was a not a fun place to be as a stay at home mom, when I knew what I had to look forward to - a full week with him at home with no Mother's Day Out or planned activities because it was still the holiday season. Ugh. We had a playdate today with a dear friend who is a little bit ahead of me in the parenting stage. She has 5 kids (wow!) ranging around 9, 7, 5, 3, and a newborn. I wasn't sure what I expected when I walked into her home, but I sure didn't expect a joyful, calm atmosphere. But it WAS! She served me coffee, we had a good chat (until my 2 year old started demanding my attention) and she just oozed joy, peace, and contentment in her role as a mom. I was in awe as I looked around her house and saw how orderly everything was. There were 2 bedrooms with 2 kids each, then one for the nursery. All were cutely decorated, but amazingly clean and organized. There was a play area that was filled with fun toys but also orderly. I was in awe. After a good chat on the couch, we went downstairs to the breakfast room and fed all the kids lunch. The girls stopped playing their wedding songs and marrying off their dolls (hilarious!) to join us. They got out a card game that asked good conversation questions like "What qualities do you relate to in your mom and your dad?" I was amazed at how articulate the girls could be. I was amazed that everyone sat there and ate their lunch so calmly. I was amazed at how clean and orderly and efficient her household was. I was amazed at her for having 5 children and being joyful about it. Maybe it's because her girls are the oldest (the two boys are the youngest). But I doubt that's it. Like everyone says, this is a phase. Right now, I'm in a really difficult one with Marshall. I'm exhausted from time outs. I'm exhausted from giving him the talk about consequences, why he's being disciplined and praying for forgiveness with him afterwards. I'm irritated when he keeps testing again and again even after being disciplined. I'm irritated when he kicks me, throws his food on the floor, or hits his sister (which all 3 happen quite often, even with discipline!). I'm flat out irritated and annoyed at him for much of the day. But there are also still sweet times, when I love being with him and love being his mommy. Visiting my friend reminded me that everything is a phase with parenting. Some day, hopefully, I will be sitting down at the breakfast table, enjoying conversation with my children without having to worry about whether they hit each other or throw their food on the floor. Instead, we will probably be dealing with bickering, complaining or arguing. But man, that sure sounds better to me at this point. ha! Lord Jesus, thank you for this Christmas season. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for our sins. During these tough parenting days, I see how irritable I am, how short-tempered I can be, how impatient and frustrated and angry I can get, and I realize that You love us as a parent, but without ever losing your temper. You are patient with us, even when we don't deserve it. You discipline us in love, without getting angry. Thank you for the blessing of children and as challenging and as exhausting it can be, there is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing. Next time Marshall kicks me, I'll have to remind myself of that one...then take him into his room for a little chat. :)

Forgetting the CHRIST in CHRISTmas

Why is it in this season of CHRISTmas that I am the LEAST joyful and the LEAST CHRISTlike??? I relate to Martha, as opposed to Mary, in the story from the gospels, in her rushing about, getting last minute Christmas errands done. That in itself, is not necessarily a bad thing, but my heart attitude is IRRITABLE, ANNOYED and ANGRY. I HATE Christmas shopping. Hello Grinch, I know. I am just not a gifts person to begin with, but I really don't mind buying for birthdays because it is ONE person you can focus on and really think through something they like. But Christmas shopping means buying for TONS of adults and all different aged kids (14, to be exact!)...and honestly, I just don't ever know what to get. So I end up putting it all off until the last minute, then frantically buying some junk that I spend way too much on and don't know if they will even like it or use it. So in the end, I am just frustrated and annoyed. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! It is also always around this time that I stroll past the Salvation Army guy ringing the bell, waiting for a small donation and my two children are melting down, I am TICKED off, and I have to give that guy a big smile and wave, as if to say, "maybe next time I'll throw some money in your bucket!" So after one of those frantic shopping days today (I felt that I needed to buy just one more item for my sisters-in-law because my other present for them wasn't quite good enough), here I was, standing in the check-out line of Macy's, as my 2 year old begins grabbing everything off the rack and my 6 month old starts to scream because it was time to eat. By the time I got home, not only did my kids need time-outs, but so did mommy! I knew that was a sign I needed to spend some serious time in God's word. I came to these verses in 2 Timothy: So, my son, throw yourself into this work for Christ. Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing. Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness-faith, love, peace-joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. (2 Timothy 2:1, 15, 21, 22, 24-26 MSG) Oh Lord, help me, even in this busy Christmas season, to throw myself into this work for Christ (not for myself!). Help me to concentrate on doing my BEST for You, work you won't be ashamed of. Help me to be a BLESSING to my family as we spend time over the holidays. Rather than thinking about myself and worrying about whether my gifts are "good enough", help me to be prayerfully thinking about them and asking them questions, loving them well, listening and encouraging them through my words and actions, mostly, seeking to bring You glory through my interactions and conversations. Help me, especially, with my own children, not to argue with them (have you ever tried to reason with a screaming 2 year old???), but be a gentle listener (empathetic, even when I am disciplining them) and be a mother who KEEPS COOL, working firmly but PATIENTLY with those who refuse to obey (my own children!). Oh Lord Jesus, thank you for the truth of Your word in the midst of a chaotic season and the deep reminder how much we need Jesus!

Loving My Husband Well

I've been challenged lately to think first of my role as wife before mother. For some reason, it comes more natural for me to think of my children before myself. When they're sick, I get up in the middle of the night and tend to their needs, often without much grumbling and complaining. But when my hubby is sick, do I tend to his needs without grumbling or complaining, or do I think to myself "suck it up" and "I'm tired, too, so too bad." I admit, it just doesn't come as naturally to put his needs before my own. But lately, that's exactly what I am learning to do through studying God's word. I believe God calls us as married women and mothers to be WIVES first and mothers second. We are "one flesh" with our husbands and called to love, serve, submit to and respect them. It's easy to love my children, even on a day when I'm tired and irritable. It's not as easy to love my husband well on those days. I've been challenged by the well-known 1 Corinthians 13 text on love in this way: Love is patient. Am I patient when my hubby is driving and allow him to go the way he wants to (even if it might be longer) or do I jump to criticize and direct him? Love is kind. Am I kind to my husband, even when I am tired, irritable, sick, or just having a bad day? Love does not envy. Do I envy his opportunity to go to work all day (even though I know his job is not easy by any means) or am I thankful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and be the primary influence on my kids, with the hopes that they will know Jesus and share his love with others. Love does not boast. Do I boast in my own works when he gets home by telling him what errands I ran for him that day, what chores I did around the house, how hard the meal was that I prepared for him, or do I keep quiet and allow the acts themselves to bless him? Love is not proud. Am I willing to apologize first, even when I feel wronged? Love does not dishonor others. Do I lift up my husband in the eyes of my family, my friends and acquaintances, or do I belittle him with my words? Love is not self-seeking. Do I think of my own needs first and expect him to help with the kids as soon as he gets home from work or do I think of his needs, ask about his day, and seek ways to serve him? Love is not easily angered. Do I jump to anger and defensiveness when my husband offers a suggestion, especially in regards to the kids, or do I respect his opinion and listen without feeling judged? Love keeps no record of wrongs. Do I mentally keep score in my head of all the ways my husband isn't helping out around the house or do I focus on ways to serve him in areas he might not expect and surprise him with random acts of service? Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I deliberately or passively encourage my husband to sin in any area of his life, or do I pray for him, speak scripture to him, and edify him with my words and actions? Love always protects. Do I seek to protect him in the eyes of my family, friends, and even our children, or do I tear him down with my words or actions? Love always trusts. Do I trust him, even when my heart is questionning whether he is doing the right thing, or do I give it to the Lord in prayer and humbly submit as a loving wife and follow his lead? Love always hopes. Am I hopeful in who he is becoming, as a man of God, or do I focus on the sinful aspects and forget that God is doing a good work in him and will perfect it until completion? Love always perserveres. Do I perservere in prayer for him, faithfulness to him, service to him, encouragement to him, and love for him, or am I quick to throw in the towel and not believe that God is doing a great and mighty work in my husband? As I said...1 Corinthians 13 has shed new light on what it means to love my husband well. Thank you, Lord, that your Word is living and active and constantly brings new and wonderful insights to every area of my life!

Extra Grace Required Week

I should've known as soon as I opened my mouth to a good friend and said, "You know, I think my son (who's almost 2) might actually be over the hump of defiance." It was a good week. He'd been super obedient. No fights over toys with his buddies. No tantrums when it was time to come inside. No hitting or tugging on his little sister. A SUPER week! But I'm learning that doesn't mean much in toddler time. Because this week...he has been an all out terror. Grabbing breakable things off the counter, pulling everything out of the pantry, pushing and hitting other kids, and today's latest...as I was frantically trying to get out the door to make it to my Wednesday morning Bible study (how ironic)...he proceeded to dump my freshly made hot cup of coffee onto the living room rug. I just about unleashed on him...then went off to study the Bible with a bunch of godly women. Ha! I'm taken aback by how different this week is from last week. Perhaps he's tired? Not feeling well? Not getting enough attention from me? Who knows. All I know is, this is an extra grace required week. It's hard for me not to get angry at him when he acts like this. It's hard to not take it out on him, either outwardly, by snapping at him, or passive aggressively, by giving him the silent treatment. This comes at an interesting time, when I've been reading through the Sermon on the Mount and see how Jesus challenges the crowd by saying, "You know that the Law says 'Do not murder', but I say, 'If anyone is angry towards his brother, he is committing murder in his heart.'" Do you hear how high of a standard that is? Jesus is saying that not only should we not murder, but that we should not be angry at anyone. And when we are angry towards someone, we are committing murder in our heart against them. Ouch. So basically, I am guilty of committing murder in my heart towards my own son. Yikes. But what a crazy, impossible standard! Who could live up to that? Who doesn't get angry? Even someone like Mother Teresa, as amazing as she was, was surely angry at "her brother" at some point in her life. So even she is guilty of committing murder in her heart? YES! So how can we ever live up to this standard? We CAN'T! And that's exactly the point. It's impossible. That's what Jesus was telling people, especially the Pharisees, the extremely religious ones, who thought they were "good enough" to get to God. He's challenging them to realize that even their best intentions are laced with evil motives. Even when we don't say what we're thinking, we feel things that are not pleasing to God, that are in direct opposition to God. Jesus was showing them (and us!) that it is flat out IMPOSSIBLE to be good enough to earn out way to God. Our hearts are full of malice and evil. Without Jesus, we are not God-honoring. We cannot please God. Only through the blood of Christ, only by His redeeming work on the cross, can we be made righteous and be acceptable to God. Jesus makes us acceptable. Jesus makes us clean. Jesus makes us righteous. So I am reminded this week...as my toddler tests me over and over again and my natural tendency is to react in anger...I will try to remember what Jesus did for me. I will try to remember that He bled and died on the cross, taking my place, being a perfect man and a perfect God, living a perfect life - something that I could never do - to provide a way for me to be in relationship with God, since I could never do it on my own. It is an opportunity to worship, to thank Jesus for saving me from my sin, to thank God for loving me despite of myself, to thank Him for being my Savior and remembering that I am nothing without Him!

The Offense of the Gospel

Still reading Tim Keller's book, "King's Cross" and still can't say it better than him... "The gospel of Jesus Christ is an offense to both religion and irreligion. The moralist says 'the good people are in and the bad people are out - and of course, we're the good ones.' The self-discovery person says, 'oh no, the progressive, open-minded people are in and the judgmental bigots are out - and of course, we're the open-minded ones.' We disdain those religious, moralistic types who look down on others. Do you see the irony, how the way of self-discovery leads to as much superiority and self-righteousness as religion does? The gospel does not say 'the good are in and the bad are out' nor 'the open-minded are in and the judgmental are out.' The gospel says the humble are in and the proud are out. The gospel says the people who know they're NOT better, NOT more open-minded, NOT more moral than anyone else, are in, and the people who think they're on the right side of the divide are in danger. Jesus himself said this to the Pharisees earlier when he told them, 'It is not the healthy who ned a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.' (Mark 2:15-17). Jesus is teaching that he has come to call sinners: those who know they are morally and spiritually unable to save themselves." What good news the gospel is! It's not religion at all (because isn't religion just advice?), but it is truly NEWS, good news, that Jesus died for us to do the work we could never do, live a life we could never live, and die a death we could never die. Hallelujah!

Resting in the Gospel

I can't say it better than Tim Keller, so I will just quote directly from his book, "King's Cross": "Most of us work and work trying to prove ourselves, to convince God, others and ourselves that we're good people. That work is never over unless we rest in the gospel...on the cross Jesus was saying of the work underneath your work - the thing that makes you truly weary, this need to prove yourself because who you are and what you do are never good enough - that it is finished. He has lived the life you should have lived, he has died the death you should have died. If you rely on Jesus's finished work, you know that God is satisfied with you. You can be satisfied with life. Physicians will tell you that it is not merely fitful naps that you need, but deep sleep. You can take all the vacations in the world, but if you don't have the deep rest of the soul, resting in what Jesus did on the cross, you will not truly rest. On the cross Jesus experienced the restlessness of separation from God so that we can have the deep rest of knowing that he loves us and our sins have been forgiven." Lord, help me not to seek the temporary, unfulfilling rest of the world and all that it offers and entices, but may I seek the deeply soul-satisfying rest that Jesus offers, the good news of the gospel, the fact that we could never be good enough, so Jesus took care of it for us on the cross. Let me live in this beautiful truth daily!

Love and Logic

So I'm doing a parenting seminar based on the book "Love and Logic" and really enjoying it. I don't necessarily agree with all of their methodology, but one teaching tool I really like is the idea of using empathy when disciplining children. Instead of reacting in anger or jumping straight to a consequence, try to emphathize with the child by saying something like, "Oh, that's too bad..." or "What a bummer!" or "That's so sad..." when then disobey, then follow up with a consequence. That way, you are showing the child you feel for them and are truly sad that they disobeyed and you have to follow through with a consequence. It takes the pressure off of you being the bad guy and puts the responsibility on them - you are sad that they made that choice and you can feel that sadness with them. I love this idea! A helpful tip for whining or arguing: Love and Logic says to "go brain dead" - don't get mad or frustrated - and make sure that you are not physically displaying this to your child (no furrowing brow, no gritting teeth, no vein popping out in the forehead), but instead, go brain dead by remaining calm, collected and quiet, then respond with one simple phrase like "I love you too much to argue" or "I know" or "Hmmmm...." and continue repeating it when they whine or argue. Don't try to argue back or rationalize with them because usually, they will find a way to push our buttons and win the argument. Just keep repeating the same phrase over and over and make sure you remain calm. Eventually, they will get that you're not going to budge and give in to their whining or arguing. Love having this tool in my toolbox!!! One of my favorite phrases from the seminar was the following: "When we do the right thing with challenging kids, it will almost always look and feel like the wrong thing in the short term." I had no idea how often my child would test my limits and throw tantrums to try to get his way. When he does that, I immediately question myself and ask "Am I doing something wrong?" But I am realizing that when he reacts that way, he is reacting to the limits set and over time....he WILL accept them! One image they gave that stuck in my mind...do you want to be the type of parent who is depositing money in the bank early on, consistently, even when it's painful and inconvenient (discipling and following through consistently) so that you can reap rewards in the future...or do you want to be the type of parent who is swiping the credit card left and right because it feels good (doing whatever makes the child happy and giving in because it's too hard) yet in the end, you will be paying HIGH INTEREST (destructive and disrespectful teenagers). I don't know about you, but I sure want to start sacking away the painful deposits now and disciplining even when it's hard, uncomfortable, and inconvenient so that I can enjoy the rewards of raising a child who is a respectful, obedient person. Go Love and Logic!